Thunk

Hmmm.

I don't want to talk about my present today. I think I would like to talk about my summer...you missed out on a lot of action while my fingers were on TerriBerriHiatus.

Let's start at the end of June....oh yes, lets! I think I left off at the day of the Flyleaf Concert...which is the last day that I held the OMG camera in my hands.

I got knocked down - the camera is in pieces. And is still in the shop. End of that story.

The show? Ohhh! Sick Puppies is amazing...took my breath away. I have never enjoyed an opening band more than I did them, and thank goodness I did my homework before the show so that I could fully enjoy the fact that they are true to their music no matter where they are performing.

Kill Hannah was also enjoyable, but not as remarkable as their schwag...their t-shirts and merch are really cute.

(Jessa and I at a Flyleaf/Dropping Daylight show - spring 2006)


Flyleaf??? I really enjoyed seeing Lacey and Pat and Sameer...but...oh, I don't know. Maybe I have seen them too many times. Or maybe it was because Jessa wasn't there. Whatever the reason, they did not live up to the standards set previously...by themselves and their opening acts. I hate to say anything bad about them, only because I am so emotionally attached and I would never want them to know that someone is thinking anything but supportive and admiring thoughts.


I took my neighbor boy, Brock, who is about 6'6...and 18, and headed straight for the military. He was a very enjoyable concert buddy - and a great designated driver, too. I would take him with me again anytime, and I certainly hope I get the chance to. He is a great kid.

I ran into so many people at that show (Maria from 30STM Echelon, and Billy from the Hoobastank concert to name a couple) - I had forgotten that other people get as excited about the concert experience as I do. 'Twas nice to share in the adrenaline and enjoyment with people close to my own age...

(Meeting Billy at Hoobastank (Jan 2007) - I liked his shirt. :))


A few days later, I took my babies to the airport and sent them to New Hampshire to stay a month with my mother. And I left directly from there to go to Chicago...

...to be continued.
:)

Wilco - Denver, CO - 9/1

Wilco 020
Originally uploaded by tielji

Yes! You read that right! I went to a Wilco show with my friend Dan. A sold out show, mind you. Now, I attend a lot of sold out shows, but this one was amazing for two reasons.

#1. People were trying to buy tickets on the street for any price. If it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to see why they would do such a thing, I would have sold mine for future rent money. HA!
#2. I have no idea how this happened, but we started three rows of people back... and ended up in the front row. Front freakin' row. Gawd I love the Fillmore...

I kind of do know how it happened: A little blonde thing in the front row had to go potty, so I crowd wrangled for her (not once, but twice) and how did she show her appreciation? By pulling me up to stand beside her. Yay!!

On the other side of me? (not in the front row) A couple who had been married for 17 years. I heard myself mumble that if my husband would have gone to shows with me, we probably would still be together. That was a sad moment.

Behind me? One huge teddy bear of a man who put me in front of him so I could actually see. I didn't notice his smaller-in-stature boyfriend on the other side of him 'til later!

I should add a third reason to why this show was so amazing...

#3. Holy cats, Wilco is soooo amazing! Six guys making every song a huge jam session. A story...poetry in sound...complete with the thrilling of the heart. These guys are true craftsmen, and I get now the huge following.

...the three encores did so much to embed them into my eternal admiration as well. Four songs each encore...who does that anymore??! Loved it.

And oh, it was so nice to have this break from real life.

Today I am packing. Again. And I told my parents. Check and check.

Ironic divorce statement of the day: (by my wonderful, sweet, soon to be ex husband) So...I guess you won't be moving out until you have the money to do it, huh?

I tried to explain the best I could that, really, it is not reasonable to think that you can come home one day and say "I want a divorce" and the other person not only says "okay!" but then finds a place to live for free and extremely conveniently.

I don't think he understood me. We speak different languages now.

Maybe we always did.

Dear Diary...

I am experiencing the oddest of emotions. I don't mind it...except for... it is so difficult to decipher what is reality and what is just feelings.

One thing do know for sure: my life is about to change drastically. All of the emotional upheaval, whether or not I have chosen to fully delve into it and experience it or push it away to deal with at another time, has created some sort of transformation. Had I paid more attention, I would have some sort of idea what I have transformed into!

The overwhelming need to race around, see everyone, be everywhere, don't-miss-a-moment-of-activity has lessened tremendously. I don't feel like I will die if I stand still anymore. But the clean up of the chaos I have wreaked on my world is extensive. I am not talking about this divorce - yes, it is painful, but I think it is so necessary. I shudder to think what state of self destruction I would be in if we were still trying to keep this dead horse running. I am talking about the things and people that I have neglected while running at breakneck speed. So much to clean up. Ugh.


And I am feeling fear again...not sure if that is bad or good. Fear used to rule me. If I had been born in a tribe setting, I would be the one who harassed the local shaman constantly for different incantations or prophecy. Then - something happened, and I no longer felt fear...of any sort. I became bullet proof in my own head. Nothing bad could happen, and I could take any chance I fancied...

...it just occurred to me that what I just described is what 17 year olds feel. Bullet proof...indestructible...like they will live forever. Perhaps I needed to go back to an adolescent state and go through the whole "coming into adulthood" again...this time the right way? Hmmm. Interesting concept. My body even did the whole puberty stint in January. Wow.

And now I am to be separated from my childhood lover, and will have to learn how to have an adult relationship - with another adult. At 37. Just 20 years behind, I am. Ha!

I think my head is going to explode...

Detour

You know, I come here a lot. I have more drafts saved than actual entries it seems...

...so many raw little bits of half baked thoughts. Of hopes that are irrational and rationale that is nothing more than just hope.

And I guess that is okay.

Time for me to make this official - to say it out loud so that the universe hears it and starts to help me put things on a good and correct path:

in 71 days I will be single. I will no longer be Mrs. Jerry. I will be divorced. A single, middle-aged mother of three. I have lost the battle to save this marriage.

And that is okay, too.

Please don't ask me why...but as soon as my brain accepted that this time it is for real, and not just another huge attention seeking stunt complete with traditional emotional manipulation for flavor, my whole chemistry changed.

I don't feel flighty anymore...nor do I feel crazy. I don't feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a box. I do feel hopeful, and much lighter...so much lighter. I have no idea what that says about me. Not as a wife, not as a mother, and certainly not as a person. Have I been fighting all this time to be miserable? Pouring good emotion after bad emotion....like trying to restore a home that needs to be condemned and razed.

I am so proud of him. SO proud. He did would I could never do...and he took my wrath, my emotional violence like a champ. He did not waver. Even now, while everything is even and level and in some ways, a bit sweet - he remains resolute. There are times that I panic and think he will change his mind, because then I will be the one who has to make this happen! But so far, so good.

The thing that hurts the most? I know that I have lost all value to him in the present. But I am devastated that I may have destroyed any value I had to him in the past. I just want to be remembered fondly.

Funny...the things that stand out in my mind as the most important...

...that is me...always focusing on the wrong point. Perhaps I am only distracting myself for self preservation's sake.

Let's get this show on the road.

Milestones

I was able to see so many of my old crew the last couple of weeks. Between graduations and bachelorette parties and weddings, I swear, it was like things had never changed. But they have. Two of my friends got married, two graduated, one moved across the country, and three more are getting ready to do the same.

The part that makes me sad? These are the last of my "kids"...I am not raising a new generation of Kenny's Girls. My Mama T status does not extend to the hospital - nor will any of my new staff be growing and launching into varied careers with unlimited status. My new staff is already doing what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. Except for my Starbucks girls, of course - this is the only time you will hear me say, "Thank Gawd for the Coffee Corner!".

Tonight is a meet 'n greet and concert with Flyleaf/Sick Puppy/Resident Hero and Kill Hannah - I am so excited! I am going to try and get the OMG camera in...wish me luck. I wish Jessa was here. I have never gone to a Flyleaf show without her.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

Fighting for the Surface

I am drowning.

Not in anything tangible. Not in anything reasonable. Not in anything I can be rescued from. Not in anything I can give a name to. Not in anything I can rail and curse at. Not in anything I can describe and therefore diagnose. Not in anything that my loved ones can shake their heads and say "Ahhh...yes..." to. Not in anything that I saw coming. Not in anything I can see going.

I am just drowning.

Flying Under the Radar

I am a little confused. I spent this weekend with MyGuy - the whole weekend. And nothing bad happened. What an extraordinary experience!

He did such an excellent job being my running buddy. Friday he made me dinner and watched a movie with me because I got home from work too late to do anything else of fun value. Saturday he threw me up on the bike and we went riding all over the countryside - and even to a little get together of my old crew. And then he brought me home and fed me beer. That was nice. Sunday, Mothers Day, was filled with flowers and gifts and family - probably the best Mothers Day that I have ever celebrated.

I think the biggest reason why I am confused is that I had given up on this relationship being fun or fulfilling, and my heart thought it knew what it wanted. Only - I got a taste of the other that I thought I wanted - and it did not bring me the joy or satisfaction that I imagined it would. And it certainly wouldn't bring me the safety (as boring as that is) that I am blessed with.

Which brings about the question: Why can't I make my spirit calm down and enjoy what I have for a more extended bout? Hmmm.

Going to see Rocco De Luca and the Burden tonight at the Ogden - I am so excited! They will be playing with Keane (whom I don't care about) and a local Denver band will be opening. I am pretty sure it will be the Concert Camera that is flying tonight - the Ogden won't let me have fun there with the OMG Camera. And since it is a weeknight, I will NOT be traveling HWY 85 after midnight. Three speeding tickets in one year would definitely do some damage to my ratings.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

C is for Control. Issues.

It was never a serious contemplation on my part, just a family joke. Mom has control issues, hahaha...humor her and she will be fine! Yeah- well I guess the joke is on me - and really not all that funny.

It all started becoming glaringly apparent last night at my daughter's award ceremony. A fantastic accomplishment on her part for sure, but for some reason I could not get into the happy, proud mommy mood. The child's phone was blinging with text messages even after I told her to turn it off, and when she was speaking to her friends and their parents her voice was two pitches higher than normal and two levels louder, and her diction sounded something very akin to baby talk - something that occurs when she spends too much time with other giggly teenage girls. Not only that, but she had settled the top half of her torso back so that it looked like she was leading her whole body with her pelvis - I know it is because she is a foot taller than her friends, but it drives me nuts, and normally she is proud to be as tall as she is. Needless to say, I came off mean, frumpy and grumpy as I tried to modify all of these things at once. Mean mommy.

Then there was my husband who was driving me NUTS! As we stood in line for afterprogramcookies he lost his mind and said to me,"If you love me you will just grab me one." WHAT?! If I love you? For some reason that really struck me as odd and manipulative. And then he did this move that raises my blood pressure - this move consists of him turning his head to the side and winking at me while baring his teeth in what is supposed to be a coercive smile while he gives me a sarcastic thumbs up. When he does that I want to smack him. Hard. Right in the head. And then rip that thumb off.

It ruined my whole night. I could not enjoy either one of them because their actions were so irritating and I couldn't make them STOP! I did, however, enjoy my boys - I can still control them it seems.

I am off to find out what psychological indicators belong to the mean, controlling mommy. When I look at this logically I understand that I will be perfectly happy when my happiness is not affected by other people's actions.

Or hand motions.

Growing Pains

my friend cpababe from the Q and I


I am not a fan of growing. I am not a fan of change. I would prefer that everything remain the same once I get all of the details nailed down just where I want them. I arrange everything to suit me - really, I do. It is the most selfish thing ever. And then people move around. Situations are fluid. Things change. Time marches on. UGH.

Although I am always on the lookout for painful change and it doesn't (always) take me by surprise, it doesn't hurt any less when it comes around.

Don't get me wrong - there are changes that are miraculous and life altering in a good way! Even those good ones I seem to resist. That would be a great behavior to disect and diagnose, don't you think?

I am setting some goals today. I am taking some time to identify those things in my life that I want to expound upon and nurture. I am setting up some sort of a road map.

...and I will have to provide alternative routes for these times when everything goes differently than how I expect.

Because, yes, you know you were thinking it - change is inevitable.

The Last Party

You all know my little running buddy - the girl who goes to shows and on road trips and random shopping forays with me just because I needed to get out of the house, who gets piercings and tatoos (okay - she didn't get a tatoo) with me just because I was feeling antsy, who can drink me under the table but takes turns with me so that one of us is always sober and able to take care of the other? Yeah, well, that girl is having a milestone today.

She is graduating from college. She is amazing. I can hardly remember what it felt like to have my whole adult life ahead of me...and here she goes into it with everything already set. Schools brawling over her to come teach there, contracts and incentive packages, the passion to make it all worth something in the end - and her general fantastic self, to boot. I am very proud.

And a little sad. She is growing up, and I am regressing - and I think we just passed each other.

I love you, Nela Girl. Congratulations!!!

Small Child Chattering

Concert season is winding up again...not that there weren't any great ones this winter. One really fun one was Agent Sparks/Halifax/Hoobastank. (the pic is Halifax - I love that picture!) Nights like that - the friendship, the atmosphere, the ambiance and crazy circumstances - are difficult to top or even come close to recreating. But I am going to give it my very best shot in the next couple of months! HA!

As I was going through my email this morning, I was listening to my children interact with each other. "I love my teacher," the middlest son tells the youngest. "Your teacher is a camel," the youngest tells the middlest. Which makes the middlest cry. And then come running to me. "IS your teacher a camel?" I ask the child. "No...." he sobs. "Then don't WORRY about what your brother says!" I wisely intone. And then shoot the youngest a dirty look while adding, "Don't call your brother's teacher a camel."

Nobody told me I would be saying things like this when I was 37. I think I should have had some sort of warning. Or training. Or pharmaceuticals.

Have a great day all!
;)t

Roller Coasters Also Go Up

Good Tuesday Morning, all! 'Tis gonna be a great day...I can feel it.

Which is a strange and unfamiliar feeling. My last few months have consisted of doom and gloom and blackness. Why is that, do you think? I wonder if I am just predisposed to going through periods of darkness...and I am wondering if maybe EVERYone does the same thing, and it is just fine? Wouldn't that be crazy? To go through my entire life trying to stop a cycle that is the norm, thinking that there must be something terribly wrong with me?

Well, whatever. I am not going to waste the good part of the roller coaster trying to figure out the bad part.

Tomorrow I celebrate 100 days smokefree. In Q-Speak, this makes me an Elder. I cannot describe how excited I am about this milestone. It is a lot of fun to celebrate these days with my pals from the Qnet- a bunch of us met in Denver on Saturday, went to the Rockies Game and bar hopping afterwards. Kind of makes it hard to celebrate the next milestone even bigger when we have that much fun...but yeah, okay, I will try. :)

Have a great day, all...
;)t

Please pass the soap

terri took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Well, I took it again. And as ever, it has me pegged.

By the way, folks, I am not creating anything on any level of my life. I can't even write checks right now. (that was a joke) Mostly, I am just trying to get through the next few minutes without screwing up myself or anyone else.

9 weeks no smokes - I know, huh? It hasn't been hard, but it has to get better than it is right now.

Spring...come bring those rains that cause everything to grow and turn green...rain on my heart and wash away all of the grey and yucky of the past year. I want to be clean.

I guess that is it in a nutshell. I want to be clean.

These are a few of my favorite things...

(what it looks like when you are in the way on stage)

I felt Spring in the air today, and it made me want to Spring Clean! No, I didn't actually DO anything of that nature, but I did scrub a few things down. And while I did my scrubbing, I got out some of my old stuff...when did Bush become old stuff? Isn't that sad? And then I played some Korn. Who had to be monitored for volume whenever I heard my kids scampering near...

We are trying to do more family things here in the H home...we have gone out for Sunday dinner three Sundays in a row! The best part is: There have been no Cold Wars or Fire of Hell Battles during our outings. It is a small victory to report back to the marriage counselor.

Yeah...still going to the marriage counselor. She likes me. But I think she likes Jerry more. I can't fault her on her good taste, but I would like to have her in MY corner. Now you can see the kind of reasoning that landed me in marriage counseling to begin with.


Just got me some tix for Rocco de Lucca and the Burden on March 17th. I found them just before Christmas and have been wallering in their music ever since. You must go check 'em out.

Then come the Decemberists! Yeah...check them out, too.

LOL

Q is for Quit

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

The Terri's New Groove

So...I turned 37 last Friday. It definitely wasn't a graceful maturation on any level - physically, emotionally, or physically. In fact, I had just gotten used to being 36. I was finally learning to embrace myself and all of the changes that middle age has brought me. But there was NO room for 37.

In order to break my fall a bit, my friends and I made some plans. Some good plans. But you know how it is with plans. Yeah - they fell through at the last minute. So being me, I made more plans...it was my birthday, dammit!

My friends, F.D.P., were playing down at the Rio Grande so a coworker and I decided to go down and check it out. One birthday shot down, one margarita started, chips and salsa being munched, a steady stream of people I know coming in the door...oh how exciting!!

And that is where it all falls apart.

Someone slipped something into my drink.

I have spent the last week trying to figure out what all I did, said, and who I may have fallen into/puked on/cried at...my imagination has run wild. I could have talked to my coworker who took me and brought me home to my bewildered husband, but I have been too ashamed.

I do have record of most of the night on camera. Gawd, I love my camera.

Last night, I finally asked my friend to come look through the pics with me and to help me figure out a time line because I just have to know what happened.

Turns out, although I have no memory of any of it, we actually all had a pretty good time. The only really embarrassing thing I did in public was fall face first into the band...and they love me, so they weren't mad. I spent the rest of the night going from table to table, talking to my friends, taking pics, dancing, and then at some point I told Whitney that I was going to be ill - which I was. In private. And she took me home.

I wish I would have known that...I wish people didn't put things in other peoples drinks...I wish that I hadn't spent the last week feeling ashamed for something that somebody else did to ME!

We are having a re-birthday weekend this weekend. 37 may have been dreaded, and it may have started out awful...but it is MY 37, and I intend to make it the very best 37 that ever was.

Cobwebs and Dust Bunnies

Please forgive me while I get everything up and running again...I have been away a long time, and things have gotten a little dusty here! Plus I wrecked a few things in my haste to "leave it all behind".

As soon as I get organized and put back together, we will sit down and have a looooong chat. Because I have much to say. Imagine that. :)

And so a new day begins...

I am a firm believer in recreations, revamping, renewing, and a brand new day for everyone. I also believe that when we have fully processed things from our past we should no longer hold those issues close to us - get rid of them. FGS, don't FORGET them, because then we will be forced to repeat the experience.

I loved having you all in my life...you brought me only the greatest of everything. Thank you for your opinions, your advice, and your sharing of common goals and dreams.

I am sure that I will "run into" many of you again another day - but for today, I got's to go!

Much love,

terri

Hooba-who?

So, one of the fantastically fun things I did in my incommunicado state is go to a Hoobastank concert with a coworker.

(this is Halifax in the pic with me...doesn't it look like he is gonna step on my head?)

Agent Sparks played first - a high energy co-ed band, with such great synergy that we were sure the lead singer and guitarist were either married or in love. I offended the drummer by telling him later that he reminded me of Jared Leto. "Because I am short and have dark hair?", he mumbled. Believe me - I understand. At least his band played AND sang all of their own music and did not even once expect the audience to do their vocals for them.

Next up was Halifax - and oh, you must go check them out. I was so proud of the show they put on...it is very difficult to entertain at the Bluebird Theatre on nights that they have the 21 and younger crowd in the balcony. That is their main demographics, fgs! What they end up with is a balcony of crazed fans and then the older crowd up next to the stage. Hence all of the elbow room during the opening band performances. The lead at one point was bemoaning the fact that he could not crowd surf without the minors on the floor to catch him - which I was quick to interject that of course he could jump! I was there to catch him...and while we both knew that I couldn't, he acted like it could be a very real possibility. Then I spent the rest of their set afraid that he was going to jump and I was going to drop him on his head.

(they stood right here while I forced my stupid little concert cam to finally get a shot...)

We had met up with two girls earlier in the night who were Hoobastank guests. They had the swag and the wristbands to prove it. Whitney and I fell right into the lap of good fortune by being nice to them...the rest of the night was a swirl of meeting band members of all three bands and getting VIP passes to hang. Hoobastank put on an amazing show...they hit every single power note, chord and beat - so enjoyable. So much energy and talent. And of course they played the obligatory "The Reason" to the delight of our two new friends. Unfortunately, one of them had gotten so blasted on white zin (who in the h*ll drinks white zin at a show??!!) that I basically carried her like a mannequin for the remainder of the meet and greets backstage. As soon as we talked to everyone we wanted to, I did a very shameful thing. I left drunkard sitting on a chair and out the door we went. I know, I know...you don't have to say a word.

(Hoobastank lead - how can they possibly be so young?)

We continued our night looking for something to eat - after all kitchens in Denver were safely closed of course! Just when we had finally given up, the bodyguard at the last bar/diner we stopped at offered to run and get us food from 7-11. Not only did we dine on the greatest nachos ever known to man, but they also bought our drinks.

( I am not trashed - I just take bad pics sometimes. Really bad.)

The night was perfect...THAT is what a show night is supposed to look like, 30STM!

Time Keeps on Ticking...

Bloggity bloggity blogblogblog...yes, I guess I do need my blog. Sad, isn't it, the ties that bind?:)

I want to start off by saying that, yes, I have been depressed. Not so much that I needed to be admitted anywhere, but enough that it showed up finally in my body. And it is going to be okay - I am going to be a big girl about things and face whatever comes head on.

When my breasts started to grow to monstrous (for me) proportions and then hurt so bad that I couldn't bear to wear anything but tank tops in the 20 degree weather we are having, I started to wonder if there was a problem. Pretty quick on the uptake, huh? When BigJer found a large lump in my left breast, I decided that I had breast cancer. I decided how I would handle chemo and radiation, picked out my fantasy wig, and even had a double mastectomy with total silicone replacements all planned out to a "t". Somewhere along this mind-screw, I decided that I was going to do everything that I have been denying myself but really, really wanted to do before I die.

I planned a road trip. A great big wonderful long road trip. I even cleaned off my credit card. I mapped it out - complete with mileage and google maps. Good thing that I didn't start calling people and letting them know that I was on my way - because I got really sick. Lack of being able to sleep, pain radiating from my gawdawfulhuge breasts, and a temperature flat kicked me on my butt. Although I had an appointment to see my doc at the end of the week for a much needed (ya think?!) check up, I decided to call again to try and schedule an earlier meeting.

Guess what? I am not pregnant. (You all know you were thinking it...and that's okay. So was my doctor.) Know what else? Not really all that crazy either. Turns out I am severely hormonally imbalanced. Yep - going through puberty again in a sense. And you know what else? I have probably been unbalanced for, oh, probably a year and a half now. And my doctor thinks it has been brought about by my stress level. Hmmm.

Puts everything in a neat little box with a ribbon, doesn't it? NOT crazy. Depressed, yes...but with a reason. That is very freeing to me.

So, I put away the credit and gas card, filed away my maps, canceled my imaginary long blonde rock star wig and my imaginary brave smile that I was to wear while battling through chemo. Instead, I will start on progesterone tomorrow. And I will have a mammogram, and perhaps even a nutritional evaluation to make sure that I am doing kind things for me other than racing to and from every show I can get tickets to. And I will cut down on coffee, even if it means that I won't be able to work with the camera until the wee hours of the night.


And I will still do a few things that I want to make sure and get done before I die, because there is no time like the present.

I have missed you! Hope your holiday season was wonderful!
:)t

There she goes...there she goes again...

I have some good news: I am not crazy anymore. Or at least my moments of clarity are lasting much longer.

I have some bad news: I am very depressed. And all of my monkey-like pressing of the levers is not bringing me joy or relief like it used to.

I have this overwhelming urge to dump everything in my life and start all over. A new creation.

I think I will wait this urge out just a bit longer.

Perhaps it is just more crazy in disguise.

Seafoods & Serenades

(my office's inaugural girls' night out)

So, it's Saturday. Saturday. Saturday the 16th. Should I not be jumping up and down with anticipation to go see Dropping Daylight and Monty are I tonight?! Oh yes, I should be. But I am not. They are stuck in Utah...stupid snowstorm. And I am here...stuck in G-Town. The injustice is excruciating. And also? They won't be back this way until February! What?!

Whatever.

Taylor's birthday was awesome - thank you for asking. For some reason she thinks that Red Lobster is a great place to go for a celebration, and it is very difficult to convince her that being in the center of this land mass we call home means that all seafood eaten here must have been frozen at some point. We went to Red Lobster anyway...and had a great time, even with less-than-fresh seafood. It wasn't the service or the atmosphere, and definitely not the food that made it great, rather it was the table next to us.

As we were ordering our dinner Jeremy announced to the server that it was his sister's birthday. Two minutes later, we have a large black man at the head of our table telling us that he has a predicament that he needs our help with. Apparently, he was told by his girlfriend that he could either come sing a song to Taylor or be stuck with the household dishes for one whole week. He begged Taylor to let him serenade her...to which she delightedly agreed. Happy Birthday never sounded sweeter, and the accompanying slight hand movements reminded me of Luther Vandross. So lovely...

When he was done I turned to thank the girlfriend for the wonderful gift, placing my hand on her shoulder to let her know that I was right behind her. The face that turned around to greet mine wore the scariest grin I have ever seen. Teeth missing, blotchy face sores and black spots on her remaining fangs were all I could see of her as I stumbled through my thanks. Wow.

That's when one of her two disheveled children jumped out of his seat to run and put his head between Jer and I's shoulders to add a loud and off key "Chachacha - Charmin ULTRA" to end his future father's song.

If that wasn't enough, the other child wearing pants that had no remaining zipper and a ratty sweatshirt came running alongside the table to say (and I swear to god he said this): "Look what I can do!" and then promptly knocked himself in the forehead with his knee.

I wasn't sure what we were all feeling after their performances. Of course we laughed at their antics...and then we talked about how nice they were for sharing their talents with us. And then we talked about how blessed we are and how it would be so nice to reach out to other families like that one had us. And then we discussed how grateful we are for our health and our nice clothes and great home and awesome family.

They gave a gift to all of us on Taylor's Birthday just by not being afraid to interact with other human beings. By being themselves. By not being ashamed of all of the things working against them...and by celebrating all of the things working for them.

I have so much to learn.

Releasing of Fingers...

Oh...wow...I had no idea it had been so long since I blogged. I can't even begin to explain why. It has almost been like a phobia - a blogaversion. Is there such a thing? I would come to the computer, start to sit down, and literally my body would make a left turn and I would exit the office out the other door.

Then I would think later about all of the things I wanted to say...and yet, I could not get the words to come through my fingers. Whatever blockage was there, this morning it seems to be gone.

My photo shoot last weekend was so much fun, and the band reports that they really like them. They also asked if I would be available for future concert dates and some promotional studio shots. I can't begin to tell you how good that makes my little heart feel.

Tonight I am attending a release party for Dave Beegle - and although I have been asked to work, I have no idea what that means. Is that camera work? Is it merch booth work? Is it taking out the trash after everyone has left?

You know what? I don't care. I am just so honored to be invited. I might want to tell them, though, that I don't do windows.

Tomorrow is my daughters 14th birthday. Has it really been 14 years since my gorgeous, taller-than-me, smarter-than-I-ever-hoped-to-be, most-creative-child-on-the-face-of-the-planet was born? Feels like it was yesterday...

She worked a catering with me last night. Like all mothers, I worried about her work ethic and her ability to be a team player, and her ability to put her heart and soul into everything she does even if it is something not so enjoyable. I will never worry about that again. She worked just as hard as I did and fit in with my crew like she had always been part of us. Amazing. I am so very proud of her.

The only moment that gave me pause? When the DJ came out and she knew every word to that stupid SexyBack song. That's okay...she was a little horrified when I knew where the double-up-UH-UH in Baby Got Back came in. We did the Electric Slide together in the kitchen. I have a feeling her college graduation party will be a scene to end all scenes.


I am hoping that today is wonderful for all of you...it is such a crazy time of year, and it seems to go so fast. Please enjoy the Christmas Time Warp - it will be the doldrums of January before we know it.
;)t

Let the Hollydaze begin!

I took my camera on a date this weekend.

Yeah, we walked around some parks together, we talked to other human/camera couples going by, and we gazed into the lakes and watched the birds...all the while being very in tune with each other.

We even went shopping for more toys for the camera - and if I stop dropping it, I bet those toys will fit just right! I love my camera. Too much. And I am fine with that.

I spent the rest of the weekend working on the 'puter - and OH that was wonderful. I am sure it was startling to some of you though, to have your emails answered and returned almost before you hit send. I was most efficient.

One of the cool things that happened this weekend: A local band has asked me to come shoot their show next weekend. Now, I have done this before obviously, but always for me alone. I am feeling pressure about doing it for someone else. What if they don't like my style? What if I forget my battery? What if I drop the camera? What if I get drunk and crawl on stage WITH them? And those are just my irrational worries. I can't even begin to list the worries that make sense...

I am thinking that this Christmas season we are going to practice forgiveness where it is not justified. We are going to extend love where love is not deserved (I use that term too loosely in this sentence, I know). And let it begin with me - like this : Jerry hung Christmas Lights today - the H Home will look pretty snazzy this year. In response, I am gonna wear some some new items tonight that will help speed along the trimming of MY tree.

And the camera will just have to hang on the doorknob in its case for THIS date.


;)t

I Have a Dream...

Okay...I HAD a dream. And it woke me up, too. I woke up shaking with fear that I had finally given in to the dark side of me and was going to do the Big Beautiful Nasty with a man that was NOT my husband.

It wasn't a sexual dream. I knew the man in real life...he was someone I enjoyed kissing a million years ago before saying "I Do".

I ran into him in my dream at some random house where I was to celebrate Thanksgiving. I intended to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him on the cheek, but the closest I got was him putting his hands on my hips and leaning down to brush his lips against my ear. I think he said something, but as I placed my hands on his hips in return - I knew it was all over, and all I can remember was the roaring in my ears of my face flushing. I was going to give this man everything I am. Body, heart and soul.

And then I woke up.

And I realized that I am so f*cking starved for physical and emotional contact...I actually think my skin is crying out LOUD to be touched.

There was a study that came out recently that women who have an active and vital sex life are much more attention getting and attractive to other humans - something about the pheromones they give off.

I am disappearing.

F*ck.

Happy Thanksgiving to all...

(my dad)

Well. 'Tis Thanksgiving 2006...and I am thankful for many things.

I just wish I was better at holidays. Not for my little family, but for my extended family and my parents.

Dad and Mel invited us to dinner - and we declined. He is very hurt, as is his wife. It is difficult to explain to them how my babies and husband just wanted to make and have dinner all by ourselves this year. So I didn't. I just said we had other plans. And I have heard nothing from him since. I guess I could call him, but I get physically ill when I hear the symptoms of Eeyore Syndrome coming through my dad's strong voice. I am wrong and I know it, but there is nothing I can do to change my attitude.

Speaking of feeling sorry for one's self, I had quite the moment this morning. Jerry and Taylor were busy in the kitchen cooking and having a really great time together - all the while shouting out things for me to add to the shopping list they had prepared for me. Now, I didn't mind going shopping, but for some reason I felt very left out of the holiday proceedings today. Like I didn't belong. Like I had been replaced as the alpha female in my home...

Weird, huh? I am over it now.

Tuesday night, my husband finally came down with the dreaded flu that my children have been spreading (literally) all over my house. Except for it hit him so freakin' hard that I had to take him to the ER. I tried EVERYthing to get his fever down...but after he puked his Tylenol up for the third time and was still shivering with 9 blankets on, I cried Uncle. Placing the obligatory call to the on-call doctor, I was traumatized to hear that he could be going septic after his knee surgery. He could be rendered immobile and his organs might start shutting down if I did not hurry him down to the hospital. You can bet that I hurried...as much as you can hurry while you are dragging a 6'4 man to the car.

We spent all night at the ER, pumping him up with fluids and getting his nausea under control. Turns out he was not going septic after all. And you know what? As much hatred as I had felt for him earlier in the night when he was telling me that he was going to leave me as soon as he could, I felt very tender and loving towards him when I thought he was going to die. What exactly does that say about me? Hmmm.

I haven't asked him now that he is feeling better if he has decided to stay. And I don't really care. There will be plenty of time in the future for him to clarify his intentions.

By the way, I pulled the cable from upstairs THROUGH the wall and floor and hooked my puter up. It looks mighty ghetto right now, but it is just temporary. I swear it is.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

;)t

Incommunicado

I really didn't fall off the face of the earth. I just have no computer at home right now...

I moved the boys into seperate rooms to cut down on the brawling, and moved my office into their OLD room. Pretty cool right? Yeah, except for the fact that I have no DSL OR dial up in their old room. No computer. And my husband of the recently surgeried-on-knee folk is dragging his feet to rewire for me. And why would he hurry? I am so accesible when I am not online! (Not agreeable - accesible.)

Oral surgery for Jeremy went well, and Taylor and Jory have almost fully recovered from the flu. Jerry is - well, hyped up on some pretty great drugs. To say the least. I really don't like it...I can't wait till he doesn't need them anymore. But I am glad he isn't in too much pain.

I am blogging from work...that makes me giggle!

BTW, 30 Seconds to Mars blew. After four times seeing them - they just suck. And I got a speeding ticket. That will be the last time I go to see them. But don't you worry, I did just secure tix for Dropping Daylight in December. YES!

Have a great week all!~ Talk to you when I can...
;)t

Beegle Noise

(click to enlarge - please)

Last weekend Niel and I got to go see an amazing man and his amazing men play an amazing show. Remember the guy who owns the production company that is going to let me organize his warehouse and perhaps get all of his MySpace pages sorted out? Yeah. His brother is Dave Beegle, one of the most talented guitarists in the world. I feel pretty silly because I hadn't heard much about him until this new phase in my employment happened. But you can bet that I will know all about him pretty soon, 'cause that's just how I roll. Obsessively. (HA! - I wish I was kidding...this dog with a bone thing is exhausting!)

The only bad part of the show? The one and a half bottles of REALLY good wine that I drank with my boss. I was up on a chair shooting pics at one time, and the only way I know that for myself is from the pics of the drummer - poor guy. He must have been frightened by me. Then, I decided to sit on the floor. As evidenced by all of the shots being angled up. At least there is a record of events...

Wednesday is a new 30 Seconds to Mars show...and I am still trying to figure out if I am going to try to take THE camera, or just settle for the concert cam. If I remember correctly, I think I had a hard time getting even the little one into the Filmore last time they were here. I think they should publish a list on the web: which bands are so sissy that they confiscate your camera, and which ones are confident enough in their photogenicness to allow me to experience it. Yeah...a list.

Took my Jeremy to the dentist today, and oh! My poor little man. He has to have a tooth extracted on Wednesday - apparently it is an extra. How in the world do you get extra teeth? I am playing it cool...telling him that he must be destined to grow very big if his body decided to grow extra teeth for all the chewing of food he will have to do. He giggles. That's good - because I sure am cringing on the inside for him - tooth extraction?! ugh.



Things seem to be happening so fast and furious...my little mind doesn't seem to be able to keep up, what with being chemically deprived and all. But I am still enjoying myself for the most part.

Anyone have extra Alice in Chains tix for the 20th?
;)t

Now What?!

I am so tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. No, I haven't any crisis to blame it on, and no, I haven't been staying out all night. I am just tired!

And there are so many weird things happening around me.

Like this:
My cell phone shows that I called my friend Jo at 12:38 in the morning. I had been asleep since 9:00.
My employee badge was missing this morning...I finally found it under my office chair, 20 minutes after I was supposed to be at work.
Things are missing from my desk.
Music has been removed from my computer.
I am so friggin' tired.
Several CD's of mine have been swapped and switched around into the wrong cases - and it isn't the children doing it.
I feel like I have entered into some silly twilight zone - not dangerous, not weird - just ridiculously silly strange zone.

But - I am not smoking.

That is pretty strange, too.
;)t

Middle of the Night Ramblings

...I did indeed Ramble tonight. With WhiteWater Ramble, that is...

I won a spot on tonight's guest list which, of course, made me a bit giddy. However, when we got there, there were seven- count 'em, seven other people there. It wasn't till later that we found out that four of them were part of the band WWR was opening for.

Tuesday night in Colorado. Go figure.

I learned several things tonight.

• I don't like bluegrass. I like JAMgrass - I definitely do not like bluegrass.
  
• One good thing about not smoking is that you have your windows closed when you are driving through quiet neighborhoods at 1 AM singing at the top of your lungs.
• Duncan Sheik is still the sh*t. So is Billy Squier.
  
• Thrash music in the middle of the night is scary.
• Cops no longer have to show their lights when they are hiding in the median.
• Seal makes me miss my gramma...and also makes me feel like she is still here.
• Breakfast is best between midnight and 1AM.
• I am too old to do these late nights more than once a week. Maybe once every two weeks.

I appologize to those bloggers I love that I have not visited in awhile. I think about you all the time - I just keep running out of time to actually communicate ...

I am doing exactly the same thing to my loved ones in real life, too.

Gonna go buy me some balance tomorrow. Know where some is on sale?
;)t

POTUS is IN the House - (no pictures please)

You are NOT going to believe what I got to do today. I got to see the President of the United States of America.

That's right - I was rubbing elbows with Secret Service. I was selling hot coffee and bottled water and fruit to Members of Congress. I was fetching Mountain Dew for PAC members, and popping popcorn for Pollsters and National News Crews.

I enjoyed watching all of our local Police Force and Fire Fighters and Paramedics act like they were somehow granted Secret Service Status because they were in charge of herding the locals around. I wanted to remind them that after the President left they would have to deal with all of the locals they had ticked off while they played bigshots for a few hours.

I loved watching CBS setting up their site to broadcast from, the newscasters looking around in amazement at the primitiveness of their current location. Okay. I didn't love that. I was embarrased.

Although I am not proud of Dubya - in fact, I am rather ashamed that I ever trusted him with my vote, it was amazing to see the sociological experiment of a political rally. I had goosebumps and a lump in my throat when his helicopter landed...and the hair on my arms stood on end when he walked into the arena. The whole event of his arrival was so well timed and choreographed...very moving. I wonder how I would have felt if he was someone I still respected?

Did I get pictures, you ask? Well. Funny story. I HAD the camera...got it through security just fine, didn't drop it even once, and located a secure and lockable cabinet to keep it in while we worked. When the time came to take pictures of the crowd gathering and the local politicians doing their stumping, I was able to find the very best spot in the facility. Cool, huh?

Yeah. If I had remembered to get the battery off the charger and place it in the camera before I left the house, THAT would have been very cool.

Oh well. Next time.
;)

Tricksy Treats, Eggings, Leggings, and Musicians

...So this is what it looks like to go Trick or Treating with the big kids. HA!


Had so much fun that night. I took the boys around the neighborhood and let them revel in our fellow blockster's attention, and grab at all that candy that I hide every year as SOON as we walk back in the door.

But I am not gonna lie - I was secretly glad that it was below freezing that night, because I desperately wanted to get on the road to Fort Collins, and "real cold" meant the boys would want to go home sooner. Neil and I had tix to see Motorhome, Shanti Groove and White Water Ramble PLUS, we had the naughtiest costumes I have ever dared to try on much less wear in public AND the show started at 8:00.

I got dressed, did my makeup, had Jer check me out for good measure, called Niel to let her know I was on my way - and made sure I had plenty of gas for the occasion. The camera plus tripod was tucked in the back for safe keeping.

What I didn't have was a charged up cell phone, so I decided to charge it in the car. One hard braking at a changing light and my phone went shooting off the seat onto the floorboard. Being resourceful, I hauled it back up by the cord, slid it into my lap, and prepared to call home to report my excellent travel skills as I was several minutes ahead of expected arrival.

Only - the antenna of the phone had somehow speared through a few of the holes in my fishnet stockings. I couldn't get the phone off of my lap. Finding myself unable to drive while I unsuccesfully tried to free my phone, I pulled into a parking lot of a large electronics facility. I unscrewed the antenna, twirled it around to loosen it up (that tightened the knots, by the way),tried to slide the knots OVER the antenna,
and fussed and fidgeted my way into a general hissy fit.

That is when security pulled in behind me. No - he didn't help me. No - he didn't laugh at me. Just before he got out of his car I PULLED the antenna THROUGH my stockings, ripping the threads and leaving a nice hole right on the front of my leg.
Crying a little and trying to smile, I waved at him and drove on my way.

Try telling your friends you are late for a party because you got your phone stuck in your fishnet stockings. There is something unbelievable about that. Oh well.

Downtown Fort Collins is a hoot - hippies, college students, yuppies, guppies and bums all in one little microcosm of the universe. Strangely, hoodlums are also attracted to downtown...and one egged me as his car sped by. I know he was aiming for my car, but I walked right into it. Fortunately for me, it bounced off my biker jacket and splatted on the street. That was pretty cool. Cool and random. Whatever.

The concert was GREAT! Motorhome was a pretty crazy, yet enjoyable jam band. Shanti Groove was exceptionally entertaining that night - and of course WhiteWater Ramble made every single soul in the place dance like idiots. Yes. Even me.

The only uncool part? Waiting in line for 20 minutes a pop just to get a drink. I drank beer so that I could stay relatively sober and not blow my quit (which I haven't yet - going on 13 days), but those silly bartenders would serve every guy around me and ignore Niel and I just because we were girls and potentially lower tippers than the men. (OBviously, they didn't know how very well we tip. And yet that night, I became a very low tipper.) Some slimeball snaked his way in beside me JUST as one of the wenches was coming to get my drink order - and so I started making a scene about how "HEY! This guy is CUTTING! CUTTTTTING!!!" I sounded like I was two years old.

I am ashamed of that moment. And noone really cared about that guy cutting except for me. Ugh.

But - I did not try to fight him OR knock him down. I am making progress.



(that is my friend and Niel's Man Howie standing on his bass while playing - he amazes me...)

Smashing Pumpkins and Cameras

Happy Halloween, all.

Not crazy about this holiday, but my kids are, so...I try to be as cheerful about it as possible.

It takes an extra effort to be cheerful these days, too. I am on day 10 of not smoking. It hasn't been horrible at all. But my mood has definitely suffered. I know it will get better once my brain and my body start getting used to the whole thing.

Someone stole my baby's pumpkin over night and smashed it at the end of our driveway. Right now I am waiting for him to get up so I can break the news gently...he is going to cry, and I hate that. Who would do that to a five year old? Poor little guy. Jerry is giving him his...but you and I both know it won't be the same.

The camera: totally fixed. I took it into the camera store...they confirmed the devastation, and sympathized with me. Then - they gave me a whole new lens.

I felt like I had won the lotto. But that camera is going to be the death of me! A very good lesson in why we are not supposed to love material things as much as I love THAT thing.

Have a great day, all!

Bullets for Pondering

I am going to bulletize this because I am in the middle of scrubbing toilets, cleaning up messes from my 7 year old who ate too much candy at the neighbor's house, and putting away laundry.

Here are some things I want you to write on your heart:

• When going to a different city to meet up with a group of people you only know a couple of, you should know the address of where you are going. And google a map of it, too.
• When going to a different city to meet up with a group of people - no matter how many you know already, you should make sure to have plenty of gas in your tank.
• When you are only seven days into quitting smoking, you should not fight with your spouse about going to a different city to meet up with a group of people you only know a couple of.
• When going to the bathroom, don't hang your camera on the hook of the bathroom stall. It will fall. And break.
• When going out, don't leave your children with the responsible people across the street. They will take your sweet, unsugared babies to Halloween Parties and screw them all up on candy.
  
• Don't make funny sounds while cleaning up after your sugarcracked out babies - it only makes them make more messes.
• And above all, don't get angry and say things to your spouse and co-parent that you can never take back.
  

This concludes my bulletizing. I hope you will be able to apply at least one thing to your own life, or my whole experience has been a waste...;)

ofgs...

Why? Why am I selfish? Why am I not a good wife/mommy etc. just because I don't want to die a slow, rotting death in this house? Why am I irresponsible because I want to LIVE? Why am I shortchanging my children when I participate in group activities and enjoy social events? Why am I acting like I am single if I go out for drinks and dancing with my girlfriends?

I get that he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything and could be perfectly happy sitting in his easy chair drinking beer and watching netflix movies. I even can still love him.

Why? Why don't I get the same allowance?!

I am sick of this.