A Spring Lament

It's that season-in-between-seasons here in Colorado. Not Winter anymore and not really Spring yet - but almost. It still gets below freezing at night and can snow any given afternoon if there are enough clouds. Even if the forecast says 61 degrees.

We are past the Spring Equinox, and that should mean something!

All it really means to me is that I wore the wrong thing to work again today.

More Bread Crumbs

I did a search on my email to see if I could find the name of the Chicago suburb we stayed at when we had our Quitnet International 3D. It was just a piece of trivia that I thought would be an easy find.

I didn't find it. The year was 2007 and there were a whole lot of other emails that year, too. The email listing the itinerary with the town name is a literal needle in the haystack.

What I did find, however, read like an archaeological dig. What a year that was. Who in the world was I, even? I can feel myself slipping back in to that whirlpool of confusion and excitement ...and fear.  Like I have stumbled upon a portal of the Time Between Times. I followed breadcrumb trails through my blog, through my instant messages - even through picture archives I had forgotten about.

Shaking off the swirling emotions is proving difficult. But is that even what I want to do? Maybe my ruminations are designed for a purpose.

One thing that I know for sure: I feel the loss of you keenly. I miss my support system, my tribe of vagabonds and artists and writers and musicians. I wish there was a way to tell some of you that.

More of the Same

Goodness!

It's been awhile. Too long, really. I am always thinking about the words in my head that want to find their way to paper (you know what I mean), but have been too ...I don't know. Stubborn? Prideful? Petulant? Lazy?? However you want to describe it, I have been too much of it to open this blog back up.

But here I am.

Today I said something really awful to a friend. It was the very worst kind of awful - the kind that leaves marks and hangs in the air with all of it's poison relentlessly oozing. Ugh.

I asked him why the terrible people in our world couldn't be the ones offing themselves instead of the talented, beautiful and beloved.

It was supposed to be a harmless musing out loud. It was not harmless.

I am glad that my friend knows my heart and can forgive my outrageousness (that isn't a word, by the way - but it should be).

How you like them apples?

My biggest struggle in trying to live my life as a self-actualized human being/Wonder Woman is knowing what to do with those who don't like me.

Honestly, in 2007 I was pretty sure I had this licked. "I am not everyone's cuppa tea - I get that. And that is okay", I would say. And I would truly be fine with it.

But now - not so much. I have a totally new world of people to interact with, and a totally new set of personalities to adapt to. I walk in on a future relative saying something mean about me and I shrink. I shrivel! I run away. The neighbor is snotty and disdainful one day, but friendly and engaging the next? I spend hours in turmoil trying to figure out how to increase the friendly, engaging minutes while erasing whatever I did to cause the snotty, disdainful ones. I have wasted so much time dissecting interactions between people in my past, my present and my future, all to determine how to make things better. How to make things right for these people who don't seem to like me.

I need to write it on my heart: I am not everyone's cuppa tea. I am me. And I am just fine! I don't like everyone and not everyone has to like me. That is okay.

I hereby resolve to be myself and pretend that I haven't heard or seen anything from anyone that would indicate that they think I am anything less than wonderful. And I will be much happier, I am sure. And if they are much happier as a result, that will just be bonus.

right on time

right on time, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

As Easter is rapidly approaching, I have found myself dissecting my faith.

Age and maturity (?) have brought me perspective on which issues really need to be "worked out in fear and trembling", and which ones can be fodder for theological debate but are not worth my time laboring over the validity of.

Going to mass with D has been so good for this heart that KNOWS the liturgy - but after a lifetime of indoctrination, just couldn't open up enough to embrace and believe.

It's so ironic to have been raised in a spirit-filled, nondenominational charismatic church with a rock band for a worship team, three services a week, plus Christian School Monday through Friday - and here in a staid, symbol-laden Mass is where I finally meet my God.

Go figure.

I hope this Easter season has blessed you as much as it has me.

If you remember correctly, BF and I gave up alcohol for Lent. I am telling you right now - I have never been so excited for Easter Sunday in my life! I am planning to have Screwdrivers with my breakfast. Not kidding you. Or maybe Bloody Mary's first thing after midnight.

Come on over. I promise not to try and convert you whilst I pour mixed drinks with reckless abandon.

Sunshine-y Moment

Lil H's
Originally uploaded by tielji

There are moments in time where everything lines up just right.

Perfectly.

Beautifully.

Tonight is one of those nights.

Yes, I have bills due. Yes, I have homework due and a quiz to take that I have no chance of passing (stupid college algebra - HATE it!). Yes, I miss my kids. Yes, I still am working life out day-to-day.

But guess what? I will always have a bill or two due...that's the way it is. And I love the fact that I get to do homework! How awesome is it that I am back in school?! And my kids come home on Sunday - lots of mommies don't get to say such a wonderful thing. And working life out in a day-to-day fashion keeps me humble and grateful.

...and now I am going to go crawl into a bed next to my sweetheart - I am a very blessed girl.

Tell me - what was the very best thing about your week? :)

Signs of Life

I am here! I am alive! I am happy and healthy and blah, blah, blah...

I was looking through my past blogging history and noting my ups and downs...particularly those times when I hermitize and/or start a whole new blog. It's as if I can't even bother to try to find the words that describe where I am or who I am at that moment, so I will either ditch and burn or hide and watch.

Anyway. There isn't any ditching and burning today, and I have been hiding and watching for so long that my default blog setting doesn't even go to my own blog anymore. HA!

I am getting ready to take my beloved children to D's house to have a fish fry with his beloved children. And I don't like fish fry's. But I do like D. And our children.

...I am taking mustard. And a camera.

State of the Terri Address

I really only have four "State of Being" status'.

Sure, there are variations of them, strange combinations to be sure, and even some hybrids. Those of you who know me will have experienced some if not all of these personality facets at one time or another. I have identified them as follows:

1- Magnanimous, nurturing, generous and wise.
2- Peevish, selfish, narrow minded and suspicious.
3- Hopelessly optimistic, in tune with the flow of consciousness, effervescent and childlike.
4- Fearful, jaded, sharp tongued and cynical.

Perhaps those four could be combined into two? I don't know. I DO know that I experience the more pleasant parts of me more frequently. I wonder if others would say the same.

Right now I am feeling rebellious (which personality does THAT fit into??)...like I have been held down too long and am aching to break free. But free of what?

I have ceremoniously destroyed all influences (except for my boss, obviously) that have had any power over how I conduct my life. I didn't do that on purpose, mind you. But now I alone am the only restriction to buck against!

I don't mind feeling rebellious or adventurous or like breaking free - I only mind the clean up after I have gone on my little indulgent spree. The price can be too high.

I am going to try and morph into the wisemagnaminousgenerousnurturer before morning.

Well, isn't this a fine howdy-do?

Fourteen posts (approximately), 15 months (or so), thousands of miles on my car (on average), and exactly ONE (selfmade) rollercoaster later:

I am ready to move on to something else now. This whole grownup dating thing got boring real fast.

Let's go do something different. Like what, I don't know yet. But we can figure something out. It has to be fun, and it has to make us feel alive, and it has to be inexpensive. For a little while, anyway. And it can't be illegal.

Who's in??

Hope is a cute pair of shoes

Photo courtesy of PostSecrets 1-4-09

This year is going to be amazing. I can feel it in my tummy! I know that the economy is bad, and I know that the politics are jacked, and I know that Yellowstone is probably going to blow up in the next few months and wipe us all of the face of the earth. But - there is something else, too.

Hope. HOPE! It's all bubbling around in me...in my head, my heart, and yes, even my tummy. Hope for better relationships with my mom and my dad and their families. Hope for a more stable relationship with my ex husband and his crazy, cannibalistic freak show of a clan. Hope for growth and exploration with my children. Hope for solidification and stability in my friendships.

And hope for finally being where I am supposed to be. And hope for being loved like I have always needed to be loved. And hope for growing into my own skin and becoming who I was intended to be.

This year is going to be amazing.

:)

Wise and Unwise Why's

PostSecrets fascinate me. I read them every chance I get. They are addicting! No, I haven't done one myself...mostly because I am not nearly as creative as those tormented (or delighted!)souls.

I found my own PostSecret at Target. I was in one of my hibernation spells - you know, where I don't answer the phone or the door or my email - but I needed to get some inserts for my little planner, so venture out I did.

As I looked for just the right paper product for my life changing (HA!) organizer, I came across the most extraordinary thing smack dab in the middle of a notepad on the shelf. I don't even know what made me flip through it!:


I do know this, though - it changed my whole night. It still affects me when I look at it now! Who wrote this? Was she (I am assuming the gender of the author and I know that is wrong. Sorry.) cheated on? Did her man (or woman - not assuming here) leave her for someone they knew? Or someone she trusted? Or someone the cheatee considered "less than"?

Perhaps the "her" in question got the job (or just the recognition) that the writer coveted. Or perhaps something unfathomable happened to the "her" and the question is aimed at God.

I am stunned by all of the perhaps's that these two words create.

And I am stunned by the answer that keeps sing-songing in my brain: Why NOT her?

Highway Grand Opening

Part of my misery is my own damn fault. Funny how that works, and even funnier how hard it is to admit it, ah? Anyway!

Bah.

Three or four years ago when things in my mind were starting to muck up, and things in my household were becoming crystal clear for the dysfunction they were, I filled my life up with people that I only communicated with electronically. At first it was people from my Quit.net, and then it started to include people I met blogging, and then after my divorce it became people I met on dating sites who although I didn't get to date them (D asked for exclusivity immediately -flattering, but detrimental to the cause of seeing what all is out there...), I still had much communication through email and/or texting.

That all came to a grinding halt in the early fall when D expressed his displeasure with all of my random iPeople. So I cut off communication with them all. All of my flirty friends that made me laugh and giggle and blush, all of my intuitive friends that gave me great advice and stayed ever available for my sporadic need for repartee, even my concert buddy who still to this day does not know why he went to so many concerts by himself this year - I stopped "talking" to them all. And focused all of my attention on my relationship with D.

And there is where at least two of my four wheels start to come off the track. It seems that I am a high contact person who has an incredible need for near-constant socialization. Can one man - one amazing man, albeit - carry that humongous burden? Could he ever hope to get lucky at the art of keeping me even-keeled? No. No. He hasn't a snowball's chance in hell of meeting those particular needs of mine.

And so. Is it really fair? Is it fair that I put so much pressure on him to do the impossible? Would it be a blessing of immeasurable value and an enormous relief to have that responsibility and source of brain damage, that everpresent millstone around his neck removed?

Why, yes. I do believe I agree with you. I think I am reopening the terriberrisuperinformationhighway. I need those connections. They are a lifeline of sorts. And I miss them terribly.

There. You had no idea I was such an excellent giver and problem solver, did you? :)

Driving Ms.Terri

I am still racing to Littleton and back when I don't have the kids. It's 180 miles round trip. It's 25,000 miles on my car in the last year and one month.
Is it worth it? Yeah...it is. Does he come see me? Sometimes - but not very often...he has a different parenting schedule than I do, so it is a much more difficult practice for him. Do I resent that? Yeah, I guess I do sometimes!
It is hard to be a single mother of three with all of the same bills I had when I was married, paying gas prices per gallon that rival the price of a gallon of Orange Juice, and working a full time plus a part time job AND commuting three hours a day. It gets old.
But he does little things that make it feel better. One Saturday before I woke up, he took my car down and had it detailed. Sometimes when we are using my vehicle he will just randomly pull into a gas station and fill it up to the tiptop. And clean my windows. He lets me use his VIP service package - and has even footed the bill for my maintenance visits.
Now there is another sweet little thing to add to his pro list - he ordered me a transponder for the toll road. Yep. I have my very own transponder that will assist me in my racing endeavors...it will save me about an hour round trip.
I know. My idea of romantic is skewed. Whatever.
I am happy.
:)

Grading Metaphorical Dives

Criminy. It is my pattern. It is how I roll.

I get to running so fast, so beautifully, just screeeeeamin' right along - and then I trip. And land flat on my face.

It is getting harder to pick myself up these days...partly because I only have myself to fight, so I can't use my ex as motivation for locomotion. HA! He was really good for that, wasn't he?

Does everyone have to give themselves pep talks? Is this normal? Do YOU have to tell yourself you are alright? That things will work out just the way they are supposed to?

I won't be musing anymore tonight, don't worry.

But I will tell you one thing: there is someone out there who is as big of a fan of me as I have to pretend to be of myself. And he will be so proud of me. And proud to be with me.

...I gotta wipe the mud outa my eyes from my latest digger so I can see him.

It is Finished...

...and besides the excruciating pain that shot through my heart when my ex-husband erroneously stated our date of marriage, and also my middle son's birthday - it was just fine! Fifteen minutes. In and out. Here you are married, and now you aren't! Slick, ah?

The director of my department went with me. She ordered me to find someone to go with me (Yes! Like homework!) and then when I could not round anyone up, she canceled a four hour department seminar so that she herself could go sit in an empty courtroom with Jerry and I and his lawyer and the judge for 15 minutes. And she cried.
And cried.
And sniffled.
It was very sweet.

Sweet but scary because...

When will I cry?

Will I?

Am I dead inside now? Or is there nothing to cry about?

Not that I want to cry. I just want to have assurance that my current emotions are genuine.

My current emotions are... happyrelievedfreeexhiliratedsadlonelyangryecstaticcurious.

...Yeah. :)

Honey, I gotsta go...

Today is moving day.

Well...really, it is the beginning of moving days.

This will take awhile.

I have never been happier in my life.


AND- my camera is ready to be picked up.


Who knew that what I thought would be the end of my world is only the beginning?

YAY!

Roller Coasters Also Go Up

Good Tuesday Morning, all! 'Tis gonna be a great day...I can feel it.

Which is a strange and unfamiliar feeling. My last few months have consisted of doom and gloom and blackness. Why is that, do you think? I wonder if I am just predisposed to going through periods of darkness...and I am wondering if maybe EVERYone does the same thing, and it is just fine? Wouldn't that be crazy? To go through my entire life trying to stop a cycle that is the norm, thinking that there must be something terribly wrong with me?

Well, whatever. I am not going to waste the good part of the roller coaster trying to figure out the bad part.

Tomorrow I celebrate 100 days smokefree. In Q-Speak, this makes me an Elder. I cannot describe how excited I am about this milestone. It is a lot of fun to celebrate these days with my pals from the Qnet- a bunch of us met in Denver on Saturday, went to the Rockies Game and bar hopping afterwards. Kind of makes it hard to celebrate the next milestone even bigger when we have that much fun...but yeah, okay, I will try. :)

Have a great day, all...
;)t

Let the Hollydaze begin!

I took my camera on a date this weekend.

Yeah, we walked around some parks together, we talked to other human/camera couples going by, and we gazed into the lakes and watched the birds...all the while being very in tune with each other.

We even went shopping for more toys for the camera - and if I stop dropping it, I bet those toys will fit just right! I love my camera. Too much. And I am fine with that.

I spent the rest of the weekend working on the 'puter - and OH that was wonderful. I am sure it was startling to some of you though, to have your emails answered and returned almost before you hit send. I was most efficient.

One of the cool things that happened this weekend: A local band has asked me to come shoot their show next weekend. Now, I have done this before obviously, but always for me alone. I am feeling pressure about doing it for someone else. What if they don't like my style? What if I forget my battery? What if I drop the camera? What if I get drunk and crawl on stage WITH them? And those are just my irrational worries. I can't even begin to list the worries that make sense...

I am thinking that this Christmas season we are going to practice forgiveness where it is not justified. We are going to extend love where love is not deserved (I use that term too loosely in this sentence, I know). And let it begin with me - like this : Jerry hung Christmas Lights today - the H Home will look pretty snazzy this year. In response, I am gonna wear some some new items tonight that will help speed along the trimming of MY tree.

And the camera will just have to hang on the doorknob in its case for THIS date.


;)t

I Remember Everything...

I want to say something beautiful and honoring on this 5th anniversary of 9-11.

But the words that come through my fingers will never be able to express the emotions I feel regarding the day that America was attacked by pure evil and hatred.

So, I will send my thoughts and prayers to those of you who lost family members and personal friends.

And I will be proud to be an American.

When The World Falls Away

(I was playing with my settings, trying to get the water to look more solid. It deprived the rocks and greenery of sharp lines (see blurry), but I love the varied shades of green and brown so much that I am KEEPing it.

...I want to sit right here on a rock for the rest of my life.

Of course, I don't want the seasons to change or for me to get hungry.

There are lots of things wrong with getting to do WHATEVER it is that I want for the rest of my life.

But it doesn't make me stop wanting the good things to keep going on and on and on...