I'm Leaving

I'm leaving on a jet plane! I am going to NH to see my mom and Bob! 

Truly, it is a magical adventure whenever my mom is part of my plans. She still creates magic for me - I have no idea how. 

I hope to see some ocean, maybe hike a little, maybe eat some really great comfort food and sit by the fire. 

Do you know what I hope for the very most, though? A scare-free plane ride. Both ways. 

                                    The beach not too far away from the Boston International Airport - 2007

Copper and Gray

It is here - finally - the day that I leave to go see my mom in NH!

The last time I went to visit my mom by myself  ('07) ended very painfully...she was so disturbed by my apparent lack of presence in my own life that she felt like she needed to set me straight. It was horrific. For us both. It was doubly painful to be served with divorce papers as soon as I got home. Especially because I didn't feel like I could turn to either of my parents for support because I erroneously felt that I had let them down too much already. 



...so glad to have us all in a different space now. 


It will also be a bit challenging to go knowing that the last time I was there was with Darin - taking someone you love home with you gives everything a different flavor when you return by yourself. 

Perhaps that is why he didn't take me to HIS home but very rarely. Maybe. Who knows? I guess it doesn't matter much anymore, huh? 


Anyway. 

Labor Day Weekend! Wowwww...what a great time! The kids and I went and stayed at a lake house with a large family and all of their friends. There was boating and tubing and fire pits and cajun boils and kegs and bonfires and smores and skinny dipping (not by me or mine!) and dancing and laughing and napping in the sun and golf cart racing and midnight walks on the beach ... I could not have dreamed up a better vacation.  


I spent my time hanging with the "Lost Boys of Summer" (so dubbed by me as they were all in their early to mid thirties but were still partying on their parents dime like they were in high school) and thoroughly enjoyed myself - especially because I was the only girl amongst them. They were, every one of them, a gentleman - and exactly what I needed. I came away feeling so full of life and...well...beautiful! I haven't felt beautiful in a very long time. I hadn't even realized it until the void was filled. Filled without even exchanging a single kiss or touch. Amazing. 

I am so thankful to have been able to experience that time, and also to have had my children present - what great memories for all of us. 

How did YOU spend your weekend?

Sellur's Market

I have been doing crazy things to my phone lately. It is almost as if it senses my imbalance and translates all of my negative energy into random internal commands. 

For two weeks I tried unsuccessfully to reach my mother. I was so desperate to talk to her, so needy, and so distraught that my poor little phone freaked out. Twice, instead of calling my mom, it called D's mom! Very awkward...especially when sobbing. Three times it disconnected as soon as someone answered on the other end. One time it just refused to dial the number at all. (Are phones allowed to be that disobedient??) Finally, my mom called ME. 

And as soon as I heard her voice the tears started. 

Now, I don't get to talk to my mother a whole lot - I would like to say that we are the kind of family that calls each other once or twice a day or even a week - but the truth is, we aren't. I have gone for months without talking to my mom or dad. (Determined to change that, by the way...) So I am sure that it was a bit bewildering to have me launch into a full blown sob with sniffles and garbled words. Like a trooper, she listened until I was all done, asked a few pertinent questions, and did the only right thing to do in such a situation: she went online and procured a plane ticket for her crazy daughter to come visit her little piece of heaven in NH. 

I am going to see my mom in early Sept. YAY! :) 


Let's all say it together one. More. Time -  It's going to be okay. 


...right?

Hiding Under the Carpet with My Words

My mom and her husband came to visit me from NH for a week. Yeah - the same mom that gave me the intervention the week before I got served with divorce papers. Same mom. Turns out she loves me. (The ex-husband did not. Who would'a guessed?!)

Anyway - she and Bob stayed with the kids and I, and oh MAN did we ever have fun! Lots of laughing and games and even a really long hike up in Rocky Mountain National Park. Good for the soul, moms are.

But that isn't the only reason why you haven't seen me for awhile. There are a few more, such as the fact that I have been reading so many other people's blogs that there simply isn't time for my own! Besides that, aren't we all getting tired of my "I'm so happy and life is amazing/my heart is broken and life is nothing but mud puddles" circle of life? I wanted to go ride on other people's roller coasters. Oh my heavens, I have learned so much. So much about things that I will never experience - and in most cases, that is just fine. I can do the vicarious experience forever with no qualms.

Why am I writing in my own blog tonight?

Ugh.

Well.

I am avoiding an issue.

I am supposed to be writing an email explaining what exactly happened last Saturday night. It is my homework to sort it out in writing (because he knows I can't talk in words...I have to use my fingers on a keyboard to say what I really mean)and to share with D what my experience was so that he can possibly prevent a rerun.

No, I didn't cause a scene. No, I didn't reproach, whine, wheedle, nag, or punish anyone for anything.

But I did watch him and another girl sharing very intimate moments at a friend's birthday party - strange for two people who were only supposed to know each other through the neighbor. Hands brushing, knees leaning casually on thighs, heads too close and the whispering too soft for birthday party conversation. Lingering eyes on one another as one walked through the door to the adjoining room. All of my alarm bells were clanging - I mistook them for the sound of dangerously accelerating blood pressure in my ears.

It reminded me of the final days of my marriage - watching another scene much the same, only with my husband and a friend. So uncomfortable. So awkward. I wanted to crawl under the carpet, behind a door, or anywhere that would keep them from seeing my face heat up and my eyes blinking back the tears of shame and betrayal. I felt like I should remove myself from the room - as if I were an intruder on an intimate moment between rightful lovers.

Which is what I did.

In both cases.

Which went unnoticed in both cases.

However, this time, in the very wee hours of the morning, I was discovered sorting it out with my face in the pillow and my arms wrapped around my middle so as to not to make a sound.

I didn't tell him anything of what I had seen. I couldn't. The words would not appear.

Mercifully, he allowed me to be silent while he held me close and dried my face with his hands. He murmured soothing sounds over and through the roaring in my ears...and I let him lull me to sleep.

We didn't speak of it again - and I thought the matter was dropped, and I also assumed that he would prefer it that way! Until I got the email this morning from him asking for an explanation for the tears. He said that he knew I communicated best with my writing. That he had waited until I could write from the comfort and safety of my own home. And that he knew we could untangle this mess, just like we had untangled all the others ... through prose and carefully metered dialogue.

But I can't. I can't say the words, I can't write the words, I can't even mouth the words!

I am running away. I have been given the opportunity to have the correct response to a painful situation, and I am going to mess it up this time, too.


I wonder how long he will wait for me to answer...

Last Call - and other Bothersome Phrases

(the last enjoyable day of terri and Jerry - and of Nela and Howie too, come to think of it. Hmmm.)

So, the union between T & J has almost wound down to it's final death throes. Please read no disrespect when I say that I always thought this process would kill me, and yet I have found that my experience has been one of the opposite - it has brought me back to life. I hope it has done the same for him. He deserves good things, too.

I have found that almost every one of my core relationships has changed based on my marital status, though. And that really bothers me. It originated with my MOM of all people when I was out in NH this summer. (I know that I haven't written about that particular experience- but someday I will. It is still too hurtful right now to put into actual words...I can't even talk to HER about it. Actually, I can't even talk to HER. I want to. But I can't. I will though.) My dad was next...but he is getting better. Even my old neighbors have no idea what to say to me, and I end up comforting THEM and telling them that everything will be okay! Friends that we have had all along are just so awkward in expressing their emotions...some won't even attempt to speak to either one of us.

I hope I will never do that to a friend. Especially during a process as extremely important as divorce.

On a different and much more interesting note: I am dating. I know I will be tsked and should not even broach this subject for another 11 days. But I can't help it. I am so intrigued by why anyone would ever NOT just date for the rest of their lives! (Security and finances aside, of course.) The one discussion that I am dreading and never thought I would have with anyone? Birth control. Oh my holy hell...how do we expect teenagers to arrange for such things when I, a 37 year old worldly woman, am breaking out in hives just THINKING about having a talk regarding methods, beliefs, STD's, etc...?? Criminy.

And yet - it must be done. When the time is right, of course. In 11 days. Or so.
:)t

OOOoooops. *sigh*

First off, I would just like to say that my world has gone batty. Bonkers. Crazy. Freakin' unbelievable. Although I am very happy to have the children in school, the amount of stress incurred by trying to meet buses, sign all paperwork, remember what time each child is doing what, and making sure each child actually has shoes on before leaving the house is making my head throb. I have a job, fgs! How do other mommies DO this?! I believe I will have another glass of wine before continuing...

Okay. Better now.

Lake Winnipocket (sp?)

Here is the lake I float around on when visiting mom. Just hours of me and the fish and the sun...it really is heaven.

Thursday of my vacation started out just that way - floating. First on my back for an hour or so, and then I layed on my belly. Had to take off the sunglasses so that I could lay comfortably, of course. There really aren't very many places to put your glasses when you are out in the middle of a lake on an airraft, so I put them next to my head where they were sure to be safe. Only I didn't make allowances for a rapid movement of my arm to shoo away the dragonfly that had landed on my leg...yeah...the glasses went to the bottom of the lake. And they were my favorite, too. I was ohsosad...

When I finally came in from all the floating and sighing and whimpering, I was surprised to hear that I was going to Town for a random errand - an errand that was sure to take me near a Target. (Don't all errands take you to or near a Target Store?) After a long and wind-y drive through the forests, we emerged in some sort of shopping center that indeed have the store I needed the most. And a Circuit City. Which is apparently where my mom's errand was to be completed. That lady marched right in the door, straight to the camera section, and very cooly announced, "I will take a Nikon D70, please."

Whaaa? Knowing that she already had that model, I was confused and fascinated by her indulgence.

"We don't actually have that model, ma'am. The D80 has arrived, and we are all out of the one you are referring to. And the D80 is on sale! One thousand dollars...same price as the D70..." and that is where my comprehension level failed me.

One thousand dollars? Fgs.

"No thank you," mom replied, "I want a D70. Will you please check with your other stores to make sure there isn't one in inventory?" While one clerk complied with her wishes, the other tried to sell her a D50! (Silly boy. They don't know my mom.)

After finding out that the inventory was indeed depleted, my mother marched me across the street to a mall and repeated the same routine at a camera shop. And, to her glee, they did indeed have the D70.

Which it turns out - she was buying for me.

Can you believe this? For me. ME! Ohmygawd...me...

Everyone in the shop was so excited for me, and made a giant show of the "taking ownership of the new camera" ritual. The salesgirl put on the strap, placed it around my neck, and wished us good and happy picture taking - the perfect culmination to an amazing surprise.

Walking outside with my $1000.00 camera was like entering the world anew - so many pics to take, so little time! Only... as I took my first step into the parking lot my beautiful, amazing, fantastic camera fell right off my neck. Dropped- and shattered on the asphalt with a sickenly metallic sound. Broke. Done. Irretrievable. Complete devestation. Scr*w me in the head - I just broke the camera my mother bought me and I have had it less than 20 minutes...

Mumbling and sighing incoherently, I was led/pushed back into the mall - back into the store where my fantastic adventure had begun only moments before. Only to be ended by this senseless tragedy. "Oh no!", the salesperson said, "What HAPPENED?". I was apparently unintelligeble at this point, but somehow the tragedy was explained sufficiently enough for her to say - much to my amazement - "Oh, honey. Let me get you a new one. That was completely my fault because I put the strap on wrong, I bet." Whaaaa?


That camera store gave me a brand new camera, no questions asked, no paperwork involved, no exchanged exasperated looks...a brand new camera. With the strap on correctly.

And then I went and got new sunglasses.

WOOHOOO! Thanks mom! ;)

The Ocean, She Rules Me...

Still talking about vacation here, folks. I am all about living in the moment, but oh-so-very-cool events must be documented thoroughly. And we have only covered the Airport, Security, FBI/CIA/whoever they were, and Airplanes. We must move on quickly before I forget the exact details and start making up my own eclectic timeline.

Our plane landed in Boston, MA on Tuesday morning. That is the last thing I know about Tuesday. I slept. All. Freaking. Day. And night. Aaaargh!

Now WEDnesday - that was a great day! Wednesday is the day that my beloved step-father Bob drove me to Manchester, NH to meet my internet friend Terri2005 from the Quitnet. I have corresponded with her daily for almost a year and a half either by Email, Qmail or txt mssge. I have even seen pics of her and her family on the blog scene - but meeting in person was aMAZing!
She and Kathie were delightful company, and we shared a great lunch giggling and talking random things...I adore her. Terri is much littler than I imagined - shorter than ME, anyway. Her personality online is very expansive and gregarious so I really expected to meet someone about 6 foot tall. So much wonderfulness in a petite little person...how great is it to actually meet someone for the first time who lives clear across the country and feel like you have known them your whole life?! Unbelievable...

Mom & Bob met us after lunch and then began the traditional trek to the ocean. I am partial to Rye Beach - have to go there every time we get back East. So magical...so mystical...I have a reverent awe of that spot in the vast world. I actually cried the first time I arrived there - sobbed even. The children frolicked and the adults walked the beach, just soaking in the sun, the wildlife, and the soul altering sound of the waves. I listened with great interest to Mom and Bob discuss the feasibility of purchasing a house in the vicinity. If anyone could make that happen, it would be my mother! And I think I would move right in. Even if it meant living in the closet...

* I am trying to post a pic of the babies and I playing in the waves right now...BlogSpot isn't letting me. I swear there are no thongs. Whatever.*

I love watching the children trying to absorb the greatness of the Ocean, drinking in their fascination with the beach sand, sea shells, and the various live treasures that they insisted I hold on to for them. Do they feel the same spiritual connection I do? Do they hear the same timeless sounds that echo in my ears for days after visiting? Does their heart pound when they smell the lush green and clear blue air? (Don't ask me how air has color. It just does.)

After a nice dinner at Ray's Lobster Station, our dreams were full of rolling waves and gently rocking boats...Good Lord, I can't wait to get there again.

...Leaving On A Jet Plane...

I took this picture at Rye Beach in New Hampshire. It was my first visit there - 2003. When I leave it hanging on my desk I suffer from tremendous wanderlust...
The kids and I are going back East tomorrow night for a week. I am overwhelmingly excited, not only to see the sights again, but to hang with my mom and to experience the world through her magical eyes. Even the color of things are different when I am with her.
Right now, I am trying to wrap things up in a manner that completes the minimal amount of what needs to be done. I think this is the first time I have failed miserably in completing a monumental task - one that I had started anyway. It will still be here when I get home. Ugh. Not going to think about that right now...
I think I already left the state, with or without a jetplane!

My mum is the greatest. No, I swear! Having E enter our lives at such a pivotal moment has not shaken her one bit. In this age of MySpace and blogging, my mom calmly sits on the lake in her boat with her laptop reading up on not only MY ramblings, but also the wild life of a 16 yr old girl - and never once judges or critics. I am very proud that E will be able to integrate peacefully into my existing family. It is quite the matriarchy with us - the women determine how things will proceed. E will be accepted with open arms into a family that has loved her from the moment she was born. How lucky are E & I?!