Bye Little Birdie

Jeremy is a senior this year. I have already grown and graduated a senior child (she graduated from both high school AND college), but this time seems to be different. I am not sure if it's because my daughter insisted on doing everything herself and making sure that I didn't stick my nose in her business, or if it's because I actually understand now what it means for a child to graduate and go on about their life without you. 

I am panicking a little. It's not that I don't want them to have their own lives...it's that I don't want them to have their own lives without me. And yes, I have already inquired: Jeremy will NOT let me attend college with him next year. 

Bummer. Maybe the youngest will.  

Take a Seat

Take a Seat, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I know, I know. It's been awhile.

I have missed you, too.

But here's the thing - my world is warping and exploding and shrinking and growing and just generally becoming unmanageable.

Why the unnecessary dramatic language, you wonder?

My daughter is graduating from high school in less than two weeks. And then she is off to college.

I can't even write about it without welling up with tears. It's not that I don't want her to blossom and grow and flourish and fly - I just want her to do it here with me! And that isn't fair. I know that I am supposed to be thrilled that she is wanting to explore the world and investigate every aspect of how she will relate to our society as a whole and healthy, productive, giving, nurturing and loving human being...and most parts of me are so very thrilled, I swear. This is a beautiful culmination of every maternal duty I was charged with when she was born!

But the part of me that isn't thrilled is plain heartbroken. I didn't expect to feel this way. I am mourning already and so afraid of just how bad this mourning can get.

She was the very first human that I ever loved with every fiber of my being.

And while I will let her go with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, and I will be her biggest supporter in creating a future that has nothing to do with mommy's wants, opinions, rules, hangups and/or feelings - it will be somewhat of a facade. A farce, if you will.

Because, really, if you could see into my heart you would see me throwing myself on the floor and begging her to stay.

Just stay a bit longer with me, my little TaylorBooBerry.

Eaten Up

ICU, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I am a jealous person by nature. And I came by it honestly.

My mother is jealous of time spent with others (her own words), and it is her clarity on the issue that allows me to understand where my own thoughts torment me.

I am jealous of others' affection. I crave the status of favorite in everyone's heart - no matter the position. Favorite friend, favorite daughter, favorite parent, favorite student, favorite woman in bf's life, favorite employee, ad nauseum. I crave this status as favorite even when I don't deserve it. And even when it wouldn't make sense.

Over time, I have learned to control how I act on these feelings - I am fairly good at using logic to diffuse my bratty, fit-throwing two year old before I cause too much damage.

However, every once in awhile, that poisonous green fog envelops me in a way that I get disoriented. Especially when it comes to my kids.

I want for my children to have the healthiest relationship possible with both of their parents. I still believe that their dad is a fantastic father, and I also feel that we have both chosen romantic partners that care about our children.

But I want to be their FAVORITE.

Grilled

Grilled
Originally uploaded by tielji

Happy New Year, Friends. May 2011 bring you much joy, peace and blessings.


Tomorrow my kids go back to school. Tonight - after being on Christmas Vacation for the past...what? Three and a half weeks? ... my youngest son announces at the dinner table that he has 11 pages of homework due in the morning.

Eleven. Pages.

I know what you are thinking - surely since he is only in fourth grade, these are eleven worksheets with minimal effort required, right?

Uh-uh. Nope. Eleven pages of long division/cross-multiplication and graphing - with some word problems interspersed for maximum anxiety.

Because I want to be a good mommy (or at least appear to be a good mommy a few minutes of every day because I am sure that will add up over time to having a few years of appearing to be a good mommy) I sat with him at the kitchen table, with water glasses, a calculator (to check our answers only), and two pencils at the ready.

Things went just fine for the first 4 pages. The kid has long division down. No worries.

The fifth page? Cross-multiplying. The kid does NOT have this down. And the longer I tried to explain why the method he was using was wrong (as evidenced by the very wrong answers he was coming up with!!) the more he insisted that his teacher taught him how to do it just. that. way., and now I was trying to confuse him and get him in trouble with his teacher.

As he ultimately melted down into a puddle of anger, raging about how his teacher must have lied to him if he was wrong because she told him he did it right, *screambawlsniffwhine* I totally got why parents talk about struggling to help their kids with homework. I always thought it was because we just aren't as smart as we once were, and these kids are kicking our arses with the math and sciences they do these days!

I don't think that is the reason anymore. Well, maybe sometimes. But mostly - I think we don't want to help because it is just one more opportunity to have a power struggle. To have a fight with our loved ones. One more arena where parents get to reap what they sowed when they were being helped by their own parents way back in the day. One more place to battle and say things that we don't necessarily mean (WHY can't you just GET this? If you will just LISTEN to me instead of playing DUMB ....no honey, I don't think you are dumb. That is NOT what I said. No it isn't. NO it ISN'T. Fine! You think you know so much??! Time for you to go to bed! You can take this up with your TEACHER in the MORNING - and then you can tell me TOMORROW NIGHT how smart you are!! ....Love you, honey....sweet dreams....*sniff* ...you okay? I do love you...*sigh*) and one more opportunity to regret another parental transgression.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go work on seven more pages of math homework before I go to bed. Night, all.

:)t

Little girls, Little girls

My daughter is a senior this year. I am not sure what to do with that. It's a fact that my head refuses to recognize because in my eyes - she is still my baby!

So beautiful. So smart. So amazing. I am proud beyond measure.

She doesn't like me to speak of it, but it was just two and a half years ago that she was txting her dad from Disneyland, telling him that she was going to f'n kill me. ( I actually forgot about this - she reminded me, all the while asking me to forget about it. Crazy kid.)

Her heart is so very pure...so kind. God blessed/cursed her with a ministry to strays. Not animals - people. Stray people flock to her just to be near.

I know exactly how they feel.

Mercurial

 Do you ever feel like one of those roulette wheels? Like someone just grabbed hold of a peg on your emotions and gave a hard spin?

I went to bed last night in a very resolute mood - a wise, no nonsense, almost hardened spirit in me for sure. I woke up with the desire to bring sacredness in to our home throughout our day. I have since digressed into a bit of chaos and muddled thoughts, tinged with a bit of panic.

I am committed to using the practice of mindfulness to be aware of where I am and how my thought life is affecting my actions and the persona that I am portraying. But, good grief - who knew how much I think?? And who knew how much of those thoughts are just me translating others' actions, writing stories about who they are in relation to me? It is a bit exhausting to say the least!

In other news - I get to have "super week" (dubbed so by my youngest because it is one week plus an extra three days) with my kids. It is also the first week of school. Seeing how I missed it last year because it wasn't MY week, I am thrilled and feeling doubly blessed because it is Taylor's senior year. What a huge milestone.

I am so excited in fact that I am trading my Pool Time for more School Supply and Clothes Shopping. Now, that's a big deal!

Before I go, I want to ask you one thing: How do YOU bring sacredness into your everyday activities? What is one way you perform ritual in honoring yourself and your home?

One Week Long

We had some exciting new changes in our house this week. Taylor got her permit & a grown up bank account of her very own. She also is working as a hostess at my place, so I have had the privilege of seeing her many, many times even during the week that they weren't "mine". 

...and it appears that, as of tonight, I will have them ALL of the time. Things broke bad at their dad's house - really bad. His reaction? He packed them up and brought them to my house. And dumped them with all of their belongings on my front lawn. My kids look like little refugees with their confused faces and tear stains down their cheeks.

Fortunately for us all, I was in town. And sober. 

So here we all are - broken and sad and clinging to each other, mourning the way things used to be. 

I know that they need me to be very strong and be their safe place to land (and I will be!), but honestly, I am a wreck. I tried very hard this week to play and keep my mind off of missing D - but there just isn't enough alcohol in the world to make the pain stop. And the only way that I can keep my anxiety level at a manageable state is to call him and hear his voice (I am still working in his office, so there is a reason most of the time), but I can't keep doing that forever.  

I know that broken hearts heal and that we will both be just fine, but my body doesn't seem to understand that. And my brain is making up all sorts of fantastic stories about what he is doing now and who he is doing it with, blahblahblah.  And boy am I creative. Ugh. 


I think the most amazing thing is that I am a completely different person than I was one week and one day ago. 


God, please make week 2 turn me into a princess again, and send some extra magic for my children. 

They are also different people than they were a week ago...

Happiness is a Flotation Device

The Egger Fence
Originally uploaded by tielji

I have had a pool for the kids (I don't know why we call it Mommy's Pool) every summer since 2001. It's a ritual. Gathering up the kids for the Pool Gathering Expedition, hoping we aren't too late in the season to get the one we like the best (the kind that you just put water in and it rises by itself, but it's big enough to float two rafts in at the same time), reminding each other what toys we need to replace from last year, and of course, getting ice cream on the way home - it's the way we signify that summer is here.

The last couple of years were pretty rough on my Pool Time. (That's the time between 11 and 1 when I just float around and around and around on my green raft, doing nothing but listening to the neighborhood and daydreaming.) I was able to fit in a few weekend days...but not more than that. Workworkwork kept getting in the way. The kids enjoyed it, though, because mommy couldn't hog the water and ruin Pool Games.

This year it is a much different scenario. I work when it's NOT Pool Time. I tell you, it makes all the difference in being a Happy Terri...and not. Ha!

The only people not as happy as Happy Terri during Pool Time is, of course, the kids.

But, they are bigger than me this year and for some reason making me share. Boo.

Life's like a ...

...jumprope! Ha. You thought I was gonna pull a gump on ya and say box of chocolates, huh? Well, I didn't. So there.

This more modern phrase of describing life's inherent qualities comes from the new album by Blue October - who Taylor and I had the pleasure of seeing in concert earlier this month. Blue October, not the album. Although, we did buy the album. But not until after the concert.

Anyway! Criminy.

It has been quite the week around here...what with the seven year old and nine year old melting down into puddles of rage and hatred aimed at mommy, and the death of my skeeter cat(who my ex got custody of - before she died, not after), my mind surely has had to work extra hard to think only about myself.

But life is getting smoother. Easier. More full of pleasantries than dark moments.

On the current upswing that I am finally getting to experience (I think my ups and downs might be chartable)I am writing down a few goals that although seem unachievable in my current state, it won't be harmful to believe and make strides towards making them accomplishments.

Pondering #1: Am I experiencing a midlife crisis?

I don't know.

I don't feel like finding a twenty year old to use and abuse for my own sexual gratification (29, maybe...well, anywhere from 29 to 49...but I digress) and I thought that was supposed to be the major indicator of said crisis. I don't feel like a boob job and a convertible will be the answer to my maladies. New car, new job, bigger house, jewelry - none of those things will complete me!

I am attending a convention next weekend - a life coaching seminar, if you will. I am intrigued and excited. I am also skeptical and apprehensive. I am a preacher's daughter, remember? And I have partaken in many a church camp and revival...I know all of the buzz words and the vocal triggers for amping emotions to riotous highs. But I am also of the mind that I will not reject something out of hand just because I have preconceived notions of how it will NOT meet me where I am.

One of my new goals (and something that I already have experienced but have cast by the wayside in the last emotion-ridden year) is to expect and accept those impossible things, those gifts, those miracles that we are all offered but have difficulty accepting.

I am expecting only good things. This will mean constant vigil on my dreary, negative, fear-numbed thought process.

See? I have doubt already that I can maintain that vigil! But I will overcome. Right now.

...all smiles...
;)t

Sing - Along with Simba and Rafiki

How many of you have watched Lion King? How many of you have watched it so many times that you can recite large portions of it without cognizance? How many of you can watch the opening scene without tearing up or developing goose flesh? Yeah...I still get all choked up, even as I recite the script with Pumba. Who knew these characters would leave such an indelible impression on us?

The Circle of Life. What a great theme song. Got it stuck in my head RIGHT NOW.

Guess why?

NOT because I just got done watching The Lion King.

But because Elizabeth is coming to stay with me in two days. The Circle of Life. I gave her to her parents 18 years ago...and now they are giving her back to me.

You would think that this Circle would feel much wider and bigger - 18 years is a long time! It's an entire childhood, even!

But to me? This circle feels like a noose. In my vision for what the day looks like when I finally get to meet my daughter again, I am so much farther ahead than where I am today. I am going to have to concede to reality, though.

My only goal at this point is to make her feel loved and comfortable - and to keep my insecurities in check.

My need to make her proud of me is by far second to her need of me being proud of her.

Better Left Behind Closed Doors

I am a mess. A freakin' mess.

Friday I will sign papers that end the last 22 years of my life.

I will be a single mother of three children. One of them a teenager.

I have had to start worrying about utilities and credit card bills instead of road trips and drink money. The kind of worry that makes you vomit when you think about amounts due and due dates. Makes me feel like I have wasted the past two decades only to start again at less than ground zero.

WTF?!

Want to know what is the worst part of all of this? Watching my youngest child disintegrate into a rageful puddle of violence and irrational behavior. Right now he is sobbing in his bed because he lost at UNO and I wouldn't let him trounce his older brother into oblivion for winning. He is so angry and thinks the world is against him...I don't want this for my baby.

I didn't want this for any of my children. I want them to be able to to experience normal emotional growth, and deal with normal childhood worries. Not this all pervasive fear and anger.

This is why I don't believe in divorce.

I don't think I believe in marriage now, either.

Sorry, Mom. I will be drinking myself to sleep tonight.

...how proud you must be.

Yes, I am home on Saturday Night. (Wanna make something of it?)

I am settled in...dishes are washed and put in the cabinet, carpets are steam cleaned, and the dressers are full of clean clothes. I will get to have the children every other week - starting tomorrow.

I am a bit nervous about this...their routines will be much different. We will need to get up at different times, and take alternate routes to get everyone to school and work on time. Also, I know that my ability to keep a normal schedule is going to be under scrutiny - and I resent that.

I must say, for the most part, Jerry and I have been able to keep it friendly. We have had to attend many functions together, and it has gone well. However - just when I think we could be close friends - he will do something that just makes me despise him all over again. I think god allows him to do that so that I won't forget why this divorce is okay with me.

I love my new house...I don't like the lack of money. It will take a bit to stabilize and change over the different bills to respective names. Until that happens, I will not be living large. I won't even be living medium size. In fact, the two weeks the children are not here I expect to be eating hospital food for every meal. Or Kenny's food. Whatever. Discounted/Free Food is what I am referring to.

I took the camera for a walk today. It was our first date together since it came home. I was so happy on the way back that a couple of stray tears of gratefullness rolled down my face. Those moments are the ones I try to write on my heart.

I do seem to have more good moments like that than bad ones. But the bad moments are very intense. Very black. Very lonely. Very hopeless. I understand these get less and less as time goes by...and I know that I don't want to skip any steps in healing. I will not come back and repeat any of these lessons. I just won't.

...all in all, things are progressing nicely. For now. That is all I can ask for!

I hope things are good for you as well...
;)t