You know, I come here a lot. I have more drafts saved than actual entries it seems...
...so many raw little bits of half baked thoughts. Of hopes that are irrational and rationale that is nothing more than just hope.
And I guess that is okay.
Time for me to make this official - to say it out loud so that the universe hears it and starts to help me put things on a good and correct path:
in 71 days I will be single. I will no longer be Mrs. Jerry. I will be divorced. A single, middle-aged mother of three. I have lost the battle to save this marriage.
And that is okay, too.
Please don't ask me why...but as soon as my brain accepted that this time it is for real, and not just another huge attention seeking stunt complete with traditional emotional manipulation for flavor, my whole chemistry changed.
I don't feel flighty anymore...nor do I feel crazy. I don't feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a box. I do feel hopeful, and much lighter...so much lighter. I have no idea what that says about me. Not as a wife, not as a mother, and certainly not as a person. Have I been fighting all this time to be miserable? Pouring good emotion after bad emotion....like trying to restore a home that needs to be condemned and razed.
I am so proud of him. SO proud. He did would I could never do...and he took my wrath, my emotional violence like a champ. He did not waver. Even now, while everything is even and level and in some ways, a bit sweet - he remains resolute. There are times that I panic and think he will change his mind, because then I will be the one who has to make this happen! But so far, so good.
The thing that hurts the most? I know that I have lost all value to him in the present. But I am devastated that I may have destroyed any value I had to him in the past. I just want to be remembered fondly.
Funny...the things that stand out in my mind as the most important...
...that is me...always focusing on the wrong point. Perhaps I am only distracting myself for self preservation's sake.
Let's get this show on the road.