Which way to Santa's House?

(cheers-ing our friend Jojo1962 from Quitnet over the phone)

One of the coolest things about my previous two years was quitting smoking. That in itself is quite the journey and mind trip. Besides better health and smelling sweeter, I also made the very best of internet friends.

The coolest part of internet friends? Meeting them in person and knowing them better than I know some family members.

Holidays are weird for me this year...meaning: I have no idea what I am doing. That was me in the picture up top on Thanksgiving - doing shots with my internet buddy Courtne. In Nebraska. That's right...I drove to NE so that I would not have to be alone.

I am a little worried about where I am going to end up on Christmas! HA! (Lock your doors, friends. )

(State Patrol in NE...not nearly as receptive to having their pic taken. Had to do it INSIDE the car.)

Don't speed in NE.

Have a great day!

It is Finished...

...and besides the excruciating pain that shot through my heart when my ex-husband erroneously stated our date of marriage, and also my middle son's birthday - it was just fine! Fifteen minutes. In and out. Here you are married, and now you aren't! Slick, ah?

The director of my department went with me. She ordered me to find someone to go with me (Yes! Like homework!) and then when I could not round anyone up, she canceled a four hour department seminar so that she herself could go sit in an empty courtroom with Jerry and I and his lawyer and the judge for 15 minutes. And she cried.
And cried.
And sniffled.
It was very sweet.

Sweet but scary because...

When will I cry?

Will I?

Am I dead inside now? Or is there nothing to cry about?

Not that I want to cry. I just want to have assurance that my current emotions are genuine.

My current emotions are... happyrelievedfreeexhiliratedsadlonelyangryecstaticcurious.

...Yeah. :)

Better Left Behind Closed Doors

I am a mess. A freakin' mess.

Friday I will sign papers that end the last 22 years of my life.

I will be a single mother of three children. One of them a teenager.

I have had to start worrying about utilities and credit card bills instead of road trips and drink money. The kind of worry that makes you vomit when you think about amounts due and due dates. Makes me feel like I have wasted the past two decades only to start again at less than ground zero.

WTF?!

Want to know what is the worst part of all of this? Watching my youngest child disintegrate into a rageful puddle of violence and irrational behavior. Right now he is sobbing in his bed because he lost at UNO and I wouldn't let him trounce his older brother into oblivion for winning. He is so angry and thinks the world is against him...I don't want this for my baby.

I didn't want this for any of my children. I want them to be able to to experience normal emotional growth, and deal with normal childhood worries. Not this all pervasive fear and anger.

This is why I don't believe in divorce.

I don't think I believe in marriage now, either.

Sorry, Mom. I will be drinking myself to sleep tonight.

...how proud you must be.

Last Call - and other Bothersome Phrases

(the last enjoyable day of terri and Jerry - and of Nela and Howie too, come to think of it. Hmmm.)

So, the union between T & J has almost wound down to it's final death throes. Please read no disrespect when I say that I always thought this process would kill me, and yet I have found that my experience has been one of the opposite - it has brought me back to life. I hope it has done the same for him. He deserves good things, too.

I have found that almost every one of my core relationships has changed based on my marital status, though. And that really bothers me. It originated with my MOM of all people when I was out in NH this summer. (I know that I haven't written about that particular experience- but someday I will. It is still too hurtful right now to put into actual words...I can't even talk to HER about it. Actually, I can't even talk to HER. I want to. But I can't. I will though.) My dad was next...but he is getting better. Even my old neighbors have no idea what to say to me, and I end up comforting THEM and telling them that everything will be okay! Friends that we have had all along are just so awkward in expressing their emotions...some won't even attempt to speak to either one of us.

I hope I will never do that to a friend. Especially during a process as extremely important as divorce.

On a different and much more interesting note: I am dating. I know I will be tsked and should not even broach this subject for another 11 days. But I can't help it. I am so intrigued by why anyone would ever NOT just date for the rest of their lives! (Security and finances aside, of course.) The one discussion that I am dreading and never thought I would have with anyone? Birth control. Oh my holy hell...how do we expect teenagers to arrange for such things when I, a 37 year old worldly woman, am breaking out in hives just THINKING about having a talk regarding methods, beliefs, STD's, etc...?? Criminy.

And yet - it must be done. When the time is right, of course. In 11 days. Or so.
:)t

Yes, I am home on Saturday Night. (Wanna make something of it?)

I am settled in...dishes are washed and put in the cabinet, carpets are steam cleaned, and the dressers are full of clean clothes. I will get to have the children every other week - starting tomorrow.

I am a bit nervous about this...their routines will be much different. We will need to get up at different times, and take alternate routes to get everyone to school and work on time. Also, I know that my ability to keep a normal schedule is going to be under scrutiny - and I resent that.

I must say, for the most part, Jerry and I have been able to keep it friendly. We have had to attend many functions together, and it has gone well. However - just when I think we could be close friends - he will do something that just makes me despise him all over again. I think god allows him to do that so that I won't forget why this divorce is okay with me.

I love my new house...I don't like the lack of money. It will take a bit to stabilize and change over the different bills to respective names. Until that happens, I will not be living large. I won't even be living medium size. In fact, the two weeks the children are not here I expect to be eating hospital food for every meal. Or Kenny's food. Whatever. Discounted/Free Food is what I am referring to.

I took the camera for a walk today. It was our first date together since it came home. I was so happy on the way back that a couple of stray tears of gratefullness rolled down my face. Those moments are the ones I try to write on my heart.

I do seem to have more good moments like that than bad ones. But the bad moments are very intense. Very black. Very lonely. Very hopeless. I understand these get less and less as time goes by...and I know that I don't want to skip any steps in healing. I will not come back and repeat any of these lessons. I just won't.

...all in all, things are progressing nicely. For now. That is all I can ask for!

I hope things are good for you as well...
;)t

Honey, I gotsta go...

Today is moving day.

Well...really, it is the beginning of moving days.

This will take awhile.

I have never been happier in my life.


AND- my camera is ready to be picked up.


Who knew that what I thought would be the end of my world is only the beginning?

YAY!

In the Rearview Mirror...

(apropos of nothing...Jessa's bachelorette party)

I swear to you that sometimes I do not know what I am feeling until I sift through my words like an archaeologist, looking for little pieces bones. Brings to mind Peter Gabriel's' Digging in the Dirt...
(Digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt...)

I was walking away from the computer after my last entry, shaking my head and marveling at how little detail I provided and how emotionless I sounded. But there really were so many emotions about that night!!

Number one: ohhhh ...my camera. My beloved camera. An extension of my heart! I heard the shattering before I could stop my fall. And there was nothing I could do. I got stepped on, too, but I didn't care at that point. I know that nobody died...but still. My camera was in pieces. And so was my mind.

In fact, the state of my camera is a great metaphor for the state of my being...ha!

I had bailed out of work early that night, withdrew funds from my account that I couldn't afford, drove way too fast down to Denver, fought with Jerry on the phone because he didn't want me to go, threw a temper tantrum when I figured out that the Gothic Theatre is NOT on Colfax, and generally bullied my way through the "getting there" experience. You would think that I could listen to the universe's signals to slow down and just let things happen the way they are supposed to...but no. I had to push things through and make it go like I thought it should be.

Although we did make it in time for the Meet & Greet with the bands, and even got to see the acts warm up...I was truly feeling the cost of all of my actions up to that point.

When I did finally get knocked down in the crowd, I actually felt like I deserved it. Not just for that night. But for all of the nights leading up to that. All the adolescent acting out that I was doing and the lives that I was wreaking havoc on.

I felt like I was finally paying a price with something I held dear.

...and because I felt like I deserved to lose something precious, I didn't take my camera to the shop for almost another three weeks.

Self-flogging. Self-loathing.


...you would think with the emotional price I paid and the pain of repentance, that I would change my ways. But, oh no.

The summer was just beginning.

Thunk

Hmmm.

I don't want to talk about my present today. I think I would like to talk about my summer...you missed out on a lot of action while my fingers were on TerriBerriHiatus.

Let's start at the end of June....oh yes, lets! I think I left off at the day of the Flyleaf Concert...which is the last day that I held the OMG camera in my hands.

I got knocked down - the camera is in pieces. And is still in the shop. End of that story.

The show? Ohhh! Sick Puppies is amazing...took my breath away. I have never enjoyed an opening band more than I did them, and thank goodness I did my homework before the show so that I could fully enjoy the fact that they are true to their music no matter where they are performing.

Kill Hannah was also enjoyable, but not as remarkable as their schwag...their t-shirts and merch are really cute.

(Jessa and I at a Flyleaf/Dropping Daylight show - spring 2006)


Flyleaf??? I really enjoyed seeing Lacey and Pat and Sameer...but...oh, I don't know. Maybe I have seen them too many times. Or maybe it was because Jessa wasn't there. Whatever the reason, they did not live up to the standards set previously...by themselves and their opening acts. I hate to say anything bad about them, only because I am so emotionally attached and I would never want them to know that someone is thinking anything but supportive and admiring thoughts.


I took my neighbor boy, Brock, who is about 6'6...and 18, and headed straight for the military. He was a very enjoyable concert buddy - and a great designated driver, too. I would take him with me again anytime, and I certainly hope I get the chance to. He is a great kid.

I ran into so many people at that show (Maria from 30STM Echelon, and Billy from the Hoobastank concert to name a couple) - I had forgotten that other people get as excited about the concert experience as I do. 'Twas nice to share in the adrenaline and enjoyment with people close to my own age...

(Meeting Billy at Hoobastank (Jan 2007) - I liked his shirt. :))


A few days later, I took my babies to the airport and sent them to New Hampshire to stay a month with my mother. And I left directly from there to go to Chicago...

...to be continued.
:)

Wilco - Denver, CO - 9/1

Wilco 020
Originally uploaded by tielji

Yes! You read that right! I went to a Wilco show with my friend Dan. A sold out show, mind you. Now, I attend a lot of sold out shows, but this one was amazing for two reasons.

#1. People were trying to buy tickets on the street for any price. If it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to see why they would do such a thing, I would have sold mine for future rent money. HA!
#2. I have no idea how this happened, but we started three rows of people back... and ended up in the front row. Front freakin' row. Gawd I love the Fillmore...

I kind of do know how it happened: A little blonde thing in the front row had to go potty, so I crowd wrangled for her (not once, but twice) and how did she show her appreciation? By pulling me up to stand beside her. Yay!!

On the other side of me? (not in the front row) A couple who had been married for 17 years. I heard myself mumble that if my husband would have gone to shows with me, we probably would still be together. That was a sad moment.

Behind me? One huge teddy bear of a man who put me in front of him so I could actually see. I didn't notice his smaller-in-stature boyfriend on the other side of him 'til later!

I should add a third reason to why this show was so amazing...

#3. Holy cats, Wilco is soooo amazing! Six guys making every song a huge jam session. A story...poetry in sound...complete with the thrilling of the heart. These guys are true craftsmen, and I get now the huge following.

...the three encores did so much to embed them into my eternal admiration as well. Four songs each encore...who does that anymore??! Loved it.

And oh, it was so nice to have this break from real life.

Today I am packing. Again. And I told my parents. Check and check.

Ironic divorce statement of the day: (by my wonderful, sweet, soon to be ex husband) So...I guess you won't be moving out until you have the money to do it, huh?

I tried to explain the best I could that, really, it is not reasonable to think that you can come home one day and say "I want a divorce" and the other person not only says "okay!" but then finds a place to live for free and extremely conveniently.

I don't think he understood me. We speak different languages now.

Maybe we always did.

Dear Diary...

I am experiencing the oddest of emotions. I don't mind it...except for... it is so difficult to decipher what is reality and what is just feelings.

One thing do know for sure: my life is about to change drastically. All of the emotional upheaval, whether or not I have chosen to fully delve into it and experience it or push it away to deal with at another time, has created some sort of transformation. Had I paid more attention, I would have some sort of idea what I have transformed into!

The overwhelming need to race around, see everyone, be everywhere, don't-miss-a-moment-of-activity has lessened tremendously. I don't feel like I will die if I stand still anymore. But the clean up of the chaos I have wreaked on my world is extensive. I am not talking about this divorce - yes, it is painful, but I think it is so necessary. I shudder to think what state of self destruction I would be in if we were still trying to keep this dead horse running. I am talking about the things and people that I have neglected while running at breakneck speed. So much to clean up. Ugh.


And I am feeling fear again...not sure if that is bad or good. Fear used to rule me. If I had been born in a tribe setting, I would be the one who harassed the local shaman constantly for different incantations or prophecy. Then - something happened, and I no longer felt fear...of any sort. I became bullet proof in my own head. Nothing bad could happen, and I could take any chance I fancied...

...it just occurred to me that what I just described is what 17 year olds feel. Bullet proof...indestructible...like they will live forever. Perhaps I needed to go back to an adolescent state and go through the whole "coming into adulthood" again...this time the right way? Hmmm. Interesting concept. My body even did the whole puberty stint in January. Wow.

And now I am to be separated from my childhood lover, and will have to learn how to have an adult relationship - with another adult. At 37. Just 20 years behind, I am. Ha!

I think my head is going to explode...

Detour

You know, I come here a lot. I have more drafts saved than actual entries it seems...

...so many raw little bits of half baked thoughts. Of hopes that are irrational and rationale that is nothing more than just hope.

And I guess that is okay.

Time for me to make this official - to say it out loud so that the universe hears it and starts to help me put things on a good and correct path:

in 71 days I will be single. I will no longer be Mrs. Jerry. I will be divorced. A single, middle-aged mother of three. I have lost the battle to save this marriage.

And that is okay, too.

Please don't ask me why...but as soon as my brain accepted that this time it is for real, and not just another huge attention seeking stunt complete with traditional emotional manipulation for flavor, my whole chemistry changed.

I don't feel flighty anymore...nor do I feel crazy. I don't feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a box. I do feel hopeful, and much lighter...so much lighter. I have no idea what that says about me. Not as a wife, not as a mother, and certainly not as a person. Have I been fighting all this time to be miserable? Pouring good emotion after bad emotion....like trying to restore a home that needs to be condemned and razed.

I am so proud of him. SO proud. He did would I could never do...and he took my wrath, my emotional violence like a champ. He did not waver. Even now, while everything is even and level and in some ways, a bit sweet - he remains resolute. There are times that I panic and think he will change his mind, because then I will be the one who has to make this happen! But so far, so good.

The thing that hurts the most? I know that I have lost all value to him in the present. But I am devastated that I may have destroyed any value I had to him in the past. I just want to be remembered fondly.

Funny...the things that stand out in my mind as the most important...

...that is me...always focusing on the wrong point. Perhaps I am only distracting myself for self preservation's sake.

Let's get this show on the road.

Milestones

I was able to see so many of my old crew the last couple of weeks. Between graduations and bachelorette parties and weddings, I swear, it was like things had never changed. But they have. Two of my friends got married, two graduated, one moved across the country, and three more are getting ready to do the same.

The part that makes me sad? These are the last of my "kids"...I am not raising a new generation of Kenny's Girls. My Mama T status does not extend to the hospital - nor will any of my new staff be growing and launching into varied careers with unlimited status. My new staff is already doing what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. Except for my Starbucks girls, of course - this is the only time you will hear me say, "Thank Gawd for the Coffee Corner!".

Tonight is a meet 'n greet and concert with Flyleaf/Sick Puppy/Resident Hero and Kill Hannah - I am so excited! I am going to try and get the OMG camera in...wish me luck. I wish Jessa was here. I have never gone to a Flyleaf show without her.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

Fighting for the Surface

I am drowning.

Not in anything tangible. Not in anything reasonable. Not in anything I can be rescued from. Not in anything I can give a name to. Not in anything I can rail and curse at. Not in anything I can describe and therefore diagnose. Not in anything that my loved ones can shake their heads and say "Ahhh...yes..." to. Not in anything that I saw coming. Not in anything I can see going.

I am just drowning.

Flying Under the Radar

I am a little confused. I spent this weekend with MyGuy - the whole weekend. And nothing bad happened. What an extraordinary experience!

He did such an excellent job being my running buddy. Friday he made me dinner and watched a movie with me because I got home from work too late to do anything else of fun value. Saturday he threw me up on the bike and we went riding all over the countryside - and even to a little get together of my old crew. And then he brought me home and fed me beer. That was nice. Sunday, Mothers Day, was filled with flowers and gifts and family - probably the best Mothers Day that I have ever celebrated.

I think the biggest reason why I am confused is that I had given up on this relationship being fun or fulfilling, and my heart thought it knew what it wanted. Only - I got a taste of the other that I thought I wanted - and it did not bring me the joy or satisfaction that I imagined it would. And it certainly wouldn't bring me the safety (as boring as that is) that I am blessed with.

Which brings about the question: Why can't I make my spirit calm down and enjoy what I have for a more extended bout? Hmmm.

Going to see Rocco De Luca and the Burden tonight at the Ogden - I am so excited! They will be playing with Keane (whom I don't care about) and a local Denver band will be opening. I am pretty sure it will be the Concert Camera that is flying tonight - the Ogden won't let me have fun there with the OMG Camera. And since it is a weeknight, I will NOT be traveling HWY 85 after midnight. Three speeding tickets in one year would definitely do some damage to my ratings.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

C is for Control. Issues.

It was never a serious contemplation on my part, just a family joke. Mom has control issues, hahaha...humor her and she will be fine! Yeah- well I guess the joke is on me - and really not all that funny.

It all started becoming glaringly apparent last night at my daughter's award ceremony. A fantastic accomplishment on her part for sure, but for some reason I could not get into the happy, proud mommy mood. The child's phone was blinging with text messages even after I told her to turn it off, and when she was speaking to her friends and their parents her voice was two pitches higher than normal and two levels louder, and her diction sounded something very akin to baby talk - something that occurs when she spends too much time with other giggly teenage girls. Not only that, but she had settled the top half of her torso back so that it looked like she was leading her whole body with her pelvis - I know it is because she is a foot taller than her friends, but it drives me nuts, and normally she is proud to be as tall as she is. Needless to say, I came off mean, frumpy and grumpy as I tried to modify all of these things at once. Mean mommy.

Then there was my husband who was driving me NUTS! As we stood in line for afterprogramcookies he lost his mind and said to me,"If you love me you will just grab me one." WHAT?! If I love you? For some reason that really struck me as odd and manipulative. And then he did this move that raises my blood pressure - this move consists of him turning his head to the side and winking at me while baring his teeth in what is supposed to be a coercive smile while he gives me a sarcastic thumbs up. When he does that I want to smack him. Hard. Right in the head. And then rip that thumb off.

It ruined my whole night. I could not enjoy either one of them because their actions were so irritating and I couldn't make them STOP! I did, however, enjoy my boys - I can still control them it seems.

I am off to find out what psychological indicators belong to the mean, controlling mommy. When I look at this logically I understand that I will be perfectly happy when my happiness is not affected by other people's actions.

Or hand motions.

Growing Pains

my friend cpababe from the Q and I


I am not a fan of growing. I am not a fan of change. I would prefer that everything remain the same once I get all of the details nailed down just where I want them. I arrange everything to suit me - really, I do. It is the most selfish thing ever. And then people move around. Situations are fluid. Things change. Time marches on. UGH.

Although I am always on the lookout for painful change and it doesn't (always) take me by surprise, it doesn't hurt any less when it comes around.

Don't get me wrong - there are changes that are miraculous and life altering in a good way! Even those good ones I seem to resist. That would be a great behavior to disect and diagnose, don't you think?

I am setting some goals today. I am taking some time to identify those things in my life that I want to expound upon and nurture. I am setting up some sort of a road map.

...and I will have to provide alternative routes for these times when everything goes differently than how I expect.

Because, yes, you know you were thinking it - change is inevitable.

The Last Party

You all know my little running buddy - the girl who goes to shows and on road trips and random shopping forays with me just because I needed to get out of the house, who gets piercings and tatoos (okay - she didn't get a tatoo) with me just because I was feeling antsy, who can drink me under the table but takes turns with me so that one of us is always sober and able to take care of the other? Yeah, well, that girl is having a milestone today.

She is graduating from college. She is amazing. I can hardly remember what it felt like to have my whole adult life ahead of me...and here she goes into it with everything already set. Schools brawling over her to come teach there, contracts and incentive packages, the passion to make it all worth something in the end - and her general fantastic self, to boot. I am very proud.

And a little sad. She is growing up, and I am regressing - and I think we just passed each other.

I love you, Nela Girl. Congratulations!!!

Small Child Chattering

Concert season is winding up again...not that there weren't any great ones this winter. One really fun one was Agent Sparks/Halifax/Hoobastank. (the pic is Halifax - I love that picture!) Nights like that - the friendship, the atmosphere, the ambiance and crazy circumstances - are difficult to top or even come close to recreating. But I am going to give it my very best shot in the next couple of months! HA!

As I was going through my email this morning, I was listening to my children interact with each other. "I love my teacher," the middlest son tells the youngest. "Your teacher is a camel," the youngest tells the middlest. Which makes the middlest cry. And then come running to me. "IS your teacher a camel?" I ask the child. "No...." he sobs. "Then don't WORRY about what your brother says!" I wisely intone. And then shoot the youngest a dirty look while adding, "Don't call your brother's teacher a camel."

Nobody told me I would be saying things like this when I was 37. I think I should have had some sort of warning. Or training. Or pharmaceuticals.

Have a great day all!
;)t

Roller Coasters Also Go Up

Good Tuesday Morning, all! 'Tis gonna be a great day...I can feel it.

Which is a strange and unfamiliar feeling. My last few months have consisted of doom and gloom and blackness. Why is that, do you think? I wonder if I am just predisposed to going through periods of darkness...and I am wondering if maybe EVERYone does the same thing, and it is just fine? Wouldn't that be crazy? To go through my entire life trying to stop a cycle that is the norm, thinking that there must be something terribly wrong with me?

Well, whatever. I am not going to waste the good part of the roller coaster trying to figure out the bad part.

Tomorrow I celebrate 100 days smokefree. In Q-Speak, this makes me an Elder. I cannot describe how excited I am about this milestone. It is a lot of fun to celebrate these days with my pals from the Qnet- a bunch of us met in Denver on Saturday, went to the Rockies Game and bar hopping afterwards. Kind of makes it hard to celebrate the next milestone even bigger when we have that much fun...but yeah, okay, I will try. :)

Have a great day, all...
;)t

Please pass the soap

terri took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Well, I took it again. And as ever, it has me pegged.

By the way, folks, I am not creating anything on any level of my life. I can't even write checks right now. (that was a joke) Mostly, I am just trying to get through the next few minutes without screwing up myself or anyone else.

9 weeks no smokes - I know, huh? It hasn't been hard, but it has to get better than it is right now.

Spring...come bring those rains that cause everything to grow and turn green...rain on my heart and wash away all of the grey and yucky of the past year. I want to be clean.

I guess that is it in a nutshell. I want to be clean.

These are a few of my favorite things...

(what it looks like when you are in the way on stage)

I felt Spring in the air today, and it made me want to Spring Clean! No, I didn't actually DO anything of that nature, but I did scrub a few things down. And while I did my scrubbing, I got out some of my old stuff...when did Bush become old stuff? Isn't that sad? And then I played some Korn. Who had to be monitored for volume whenever I heard my kids scampering near...

We are trying to do more family things here in the H home...we have gone out for Sunday dinner three Sundays in a row! The best part is: There have been no Cold Wars or Fire of Hell Battles during our outings. It is a small victory to report back to the marriage counselor.

Yeah...still going to the marriage counselor. She likes me. But I think she likes Jerry more. I can't fault her on her good taste, but I would like to have her in MY corner. Now you can see the kind of reasoning that landed me in marriage counseling to begin with.


Just got me some tix for Rocco de Lucca and the Burden on March 17th. I found them just before Christmas and have been wallering in their music ever since. You must go check 'em out.

Then come the Decemberists! Yeah...check them out, too.

LOL

Q is for Quit

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

The Terri's New Groove

So...I turned 37 last Friday. It definitely wasn't a graceful maturation on any level - physically, emotionally, or physically. In fact, I had just gotten used to being 36. I was finally learning to embrace myself and all of the changes that middle age has brought me. But there was NO room for 37.

In order to break my fall a bit, my friends and I made some plans. Some good plans. But you know how it is with plans. Yeah - they fell through at the last minute. So being me, I made more plans...it was my birthday, dammit!

My friends, F.D.P., were playing down at the Rio Grande so a coworker and I decided to go down and check it out. One birthday shot down, one margarita started, chips and salsa being munched, a steady stream of people I know coming in the door...oh how exciting!!

And that is where it all falls apart.

Someone slipped something into my drink.

I have spent the last week trying to figure out what all I did, said, and who I may have fallen into/puked on/cried at...my imagination has run wild. I could have talked to my coworker who took me and brought me home to my bewildered husband, but I have been too ashamed.

I do have record of most of the night on camera. Gawd, I love my camera.

Last night, I finally asked my friend to come look through the pics with me and to help me figure out a time line because I just have to know what happened.

Turns out, although I have no memory of any of it, we actually all had a pretty good time. The only really embarrassing thing I did in public was fall face first into the band...and they love me, so they weren't mad. I spent the rest of the night going from table to table, talking to my friends, taking pics, dancing, and then at some point I told Whitney that I was going to be ill - which I was. In private. And she took me home.

I wish I would have known that...I wish people didn't put things in other peoples drinks...I wish that I hadn't spent the last week feeling ashamed for something that somebody else did to ME!

We are having a re-birthday weekend this weekend. 37 may have been dreaded, and it may have started out awful...but it is MY 37, and I intend to make it the very best 37 that ever was.

Cobwebs and Dust Bunnies

Please forgive me while I get everything up and running again...I have been away a long time, and things have gotten a little dusty here! Plus I wrecked a few things in my haste to "leave it all behind".

As soon as I get organized and put back together, we will sit down and have a looooong chat. Because I have much to say. Imagine that. :)

And so a new day begins...

I am a firm believer in recreations, revamping, renewing, and a brand new day for everyone. I also believe that when we have fully processed things from our past we should no longer hold those issues close to us - get rid of them. FGS, don't FORGET them, because then we will be forced to repeat the experience.

I loved having you all in my life...you brought me only the greatest of everything. Thank you for your opinions, your advice, and your sharing of common goals and dreams.

I am sure that I will "run into" many of you again another day - but for today, I got's to go!

Much love,

terri

Hooba-who?

So, one of the fantastically fun things I did in my incommunicado state is go to a Hoobastank concert with a coworker.

(this is Halifax in the pic with me...doesn't it look like he is gonna step on my head?)

Agent Sparks played first - a high energy co-ed band, with such great synergy that we were sure the lead singer and guitarist were either married or in love. I offended the drummer by telling him later that he reminded me of Jared Leto. "Because I am short and have dark hair?", he mumbled. Believe me - I understand. At least his band played AND sang all of their own music and did not even once expect the audience to do their vocals for them.

Next up was Halifax - and oh, you must go check them out. I was so proud of the show they put on...it is very difficult to entertain at the Bluebird Theatre on nights that they have the 21 and younger crowd in the balcony. That is their main demographics, fgs! What they end up with is a balcony of crazed fans and then the older crowd up next to the stage. Hence all of the elbow room during the opening band performances. The lead at one point was bemoaning the fact that he could not crowd surf without the minors on the floor to catch him - which I was quick to interject that of course he could jump! I was there to catch him...and while we both knew that I couldn't, he acted like it could be a very real possibility. Then I spent the rest of their set afraid that he was going to jump and I was going to drop him on his head.

(they stood right here while I forced my stupid little concert cam to finally get a shot...)

We had met up with two girls earlier in the night who were Hoobastank guests. They had the swag and the wristbands to prove it. Whitney and I fell right into the lap of good fortune by being nice to them...the rest of the night was a swirl of meeting band members of all three bands and getting VIP passes to hang. Hoobastank put on an amazing show...they hit every single power note, chord and beat - so enjoyable. So much energy and talent. And of course they played the obligatory "The Reason" to the delight of our two new friends. Unfortunately, one of them had gotten so blasted on white zin (who in the h*ll drinks white zin at a show??!!) that I basically carried her like a mannequin for the remainder of the meet and greets backstage. As soon as we talked to everyone we wanted to, I did a very shameful thing. I left drunkard sitting on a chair and out the door we went. I know, I know...you don't have to say a word.

(Hoobastank lead - how can they possibly be so young?)

We continued our night looking for something to eat - after all kitchens in Denver were safely closed of course! Just when we had finally given up, the bodyguard at the last bar/diner we stopped at offered to run and get us food from 7-11. Not only did we dine on the greatest nachos ever known to man, but they also bought our drinks.

( I am not trashed - I just take bad pics sometimes. Really bad.)

The night was perfect...THAT is what a show night is supposed to look like, 30STM!

Time Keeps on Ticking...

Bloggity bloggity blogblogblog...yes, I guess I do need my blog. Sad, isn't it, the ties that bind?:)

I want to start off by saying that, yes, I have been depressed. Not so much that I needed to be admitted anywhere, but enough that it showed up finally in my body. And it is going to be okay - I am going to be a big girl about things and face whatever comes head on.

When my breasts started to grow to monstrous (for me) proportions and then hurt so bad that I couldn't bear to wear anything but tank tops in the 20 degree weather we are having, I started to wonder if there was a problem. Pretty quick on the uptake, huh? When BigJer found a large lump in my left breast, I decided that I had breast cancer. I decided how I would handle chemo and radiation, picked out my fantasy wig, and even had a double mastectomy with total silicone replacements all planned out to a "t". Somewhere along this mind-screw, I decided that I was going to do everything that I have been denying myself but really, really wanted to do before I die.

I planned a road trip. A great big wonderful long road trip. I even cleaned off my credit card. I mapped it out - complete with mileage and google maps. Good thing that I didn't start calling people and letting them know that I was on my way - because I got really sick. Lack of being able to sleep, pain radiating from my gawdawfulhuge breasts, and a temperature flat kicked me on my butt. Although I had an appointment to see my doc at the end of the week for a much needed (ya think?!) check up, I decided to call again to try and schedule an earlier meeting.

Guess what? I am not pregnant. (You all know you were thinking it...and that's okay. So was my doctor.) Know what else? Not really all that crazy either. Turns out I am severely hormonally imbalanced. Yep - going through puberty again in a sense. And you know what else? I have probably been unbalanced for, oh, probably a year and a half now. And my doctor thinks it has been brought about by my stress level. Hmmm.

Puts everything in a neat little box with a ribbon, doesn't it? NOT crazy. Depressed, yes...but with a reason. That is very freeing to me.

So, I put away the credit and gas card, filed away my maps, canceled my imaginary long blonde rock star wig and my imaginary brave smile that I was to wear while battling through chemo. Instead, I will start on progesterone tomorrow. And I will have a mammogram, and perhaps even a nutritional evaluation to make sure that I am doing kind things for me other than racing to and from every show I can get tickets to. And I will cut down on coffee, even if it means that I won't be able to work with the camera until the wee hours of the night.


And I will still do a few things that I want to make sure and get done before I die, because there is no time like the present.

I have missed you! Hope your holiday season was wonderful!
:)t