Take a Seat

Take a Seat, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I know, I know. It's been awhile.

I have missed you, too.

But here's the thing - my world is warping and exploding and shrinking and growing and just generally becoming unmanageable.

Why the unnecessary dramatic language, you wonder?

My daughter is graduating from high school in less than two weeks. And then she is off to college.

I can't even write about it without welling up with tears. It's not that I don't want her to blossom and grow and flourish and fly - I just want her to do it here with me! And that isn't fair. I know that I am supposed to be thrilled that she is wanting to explore the world and investigate every aspect of how she will relate to our society as a whole and healthy, productive, giving, nurturing and loving human being...and most parts of me are so very thrilled, I swear. This is a beautiful culmination of every maternal duty I was charged with when she was born!

But the part of me that isn't thrilled is plain heartbroken. I didn't expect to feel this way. I am mourning already and so afraid of just how bad this mourning can get.

She was the very first human that I ever loved with every fiber of my being.

And while I will let her go with as much grace and dignity as I can muster, and I will be her biggest supporter in creating a future that has nothing to do with mommy's wants, opinions, rules, hangups and/or feelings - it will be somewhat of a facade. A farce, if you will.

Because, really, if you could see into my heart you would see me throwing myself on the floor and begging her to stay.

Just stay a bit longer with me, my little TaylorBooBerry.

Make Mine Medium Rare...

(one of those sweet moments when the boys are working together...the older boy was showing the younger one how to fly a paper airplane. Isn't that some rite of passage?)

So - the week. The week is over, and now we have to start a new one. I don't think I am ready yet. Recovering from doing all of that yucky, stressful paperwork and telling my boss that he owed thousands of dollars more than he expected took quite the toll on me. For four days or so, I tried in vain to get my back to loosen up - to no avail. At one point I thought I had lung cancer...but no. I don't. But I am scared of these damn smokes again - so THAT's a positive thing!

Got to check out a new group last night, a really, really GOOD group. I love bands that are just starting out because they work so hard to make the audience happy. I love watching them try new things to see what kind of response they will get. It is the epitome of being an artist - expressing oneself authentically, and measuring the effect that it has on other people. Bonus was that the lead guitarist and vocalist is a new chef in the kitchen. I have such a new found respect for him - he never once led me to believe that he is as talented as it turns out he is. THAT is modesty, my friends.

We have made a new deal in our house:
Jerry is in charge of all of the cooking, and I will do all of the cleaning up. I LOVE this deal.

Except, I don't want to do the cleaning either.

Have a good Sunday, all!

So Far Away...

Yeah, I know. My blogging ain't what it used to be.

Truly it isn't a lack of things to say - I have just been actually doing other things! Hard to imagine me doing other things, huh?

About the template - omg you have to help me find one that I like. I tweaked and screwed and messed around with everything that BlogSpot has - I hate them all. I want something new. Original. TerriBerriStyle. Help me! ;)

Our anniversary was spectacular. AMAzing even. For all that J put me through during the week, he made up for it fifty times over with the day I got to spend with him. We rode the bike to a neighboring town and went to an indie music producer's new warehouse - a grand opening with a keg of 90 Schilling and live music! Does life get any better? Yes, apparently it does. We then went to hear Drug Under do a set - remember that name. They are going to be huge. (Have I been wrong yet?!) The best part was that J had a good time. He interacted with everyone, enjoyed the music, let me drink myself silly with no derisive looks, bundled me back on the bike and brought me back to my children. Who had the house "clean" and the leaves in the yard "picked up". And had made us the most beautiful cards...the kind you NEVER throw away. No matter what.

It was a magical day, like none that I have ever experienced before.

I spent the rest of my free time working with my camera - so much to see, so little time. I have some great shots of the bands - but yeah. I cannot upload them. The batteries went dead. I was not expecting that at all. I thought my camera had committed suicide.

And guess what? I got all of that horrible paperwork finished. My shoulders have no idea what to do with themselves now that they are not weighed down with impossible tasks.

As I speak, I cannot express to you how happy I am on this Monday night. I will not be unreasonable and expect things to be this good forever, but I will enjoy the way it feels right now.

*sidenote: The warehouse owner and music producer is going to let me work for free in his shop - in exchange for CD's and entrance to shows - can you believe my luck?!

Ride, Baby, Ride...

(My dearest friend Niel getting her first motorcycle ride. Please ignore the trashy neighbors across the street. I am trying to as well.)

This new motorcycle? HOT! I cannot get enough of it.

One really neat thing...you can't stay angry at a man that you have your arms wrapped around and your nose nuzzled in his neck.

J-man has been doing something new and wonderful - having me call before I am ready to come home from work. He then drives up on the big, black beast and whisks me away in quite a romantic (yet somehow yummy/dirty) way.

Tonight we went to the grocery store on the way home, and I had this really wonderful feeling that I am going to be just fine with us growing old together. It will be just the two of us at some point...going where we want to, doing what we want to, and enjoying the company.

And yeah - the groceries fit in the saddle bags. You would not believe the acts of contrition I performed in order to have my previous gaffe (about them looking like oldmansaddlebags) erased from memory. It was a challenge though - perhaps tomorrow I can come up with another offensive thing to say that will require massive creativity on my part to receive forgiveness.
LOL
;)t

Karma and Effect

my children and my little sister at Lost River, NH. They all look so deceptively harmless and sweet. Whatever.

I have too much to say, I think. My brain is a little whirl-y this morning. Could one whole pot of coffee be too much coffee?

The children:
My oldest wants me to start treating her like a teenager...little does she know that I already am. I owe her $875 for babysitting this summer, and she wants me to buy her a laptop in lieu of cash. Fine - I can do that. But she wants to keep it in her room, and she wants to have access to the Internet whenever she wants, wherever she wants to go and I just can't allow that yet. Why not? 'Cause I am an adult and I know what kind of trouble I have gotten myself into - how in the world can I let my baby run rampantly and unaware through the web? The worst part is that I can't even tell her how and why I know personally that unlimited access is bad for her...so I used the whole "I had a friend once who..." example.

The boys needed to clean their room yesterday - no small task for sure. Only, they took hours and hours and all they accomplished was making the mess worse. So, being the hardcore mommy that I am, I sacked everything that was on the floor and took it away. My middle child LOST his mind - and kicked me! "Oh mom, I am so sorry!" he cried with a scared and pitiful look on his face, "I have terrible anger management!". Where does a six year old learn that term? I was so stunned by the kick (and taken aback by the big words from the small mouth) that I numbly continued to sack the toys...and then that child kicked me three more times! Whaaa? I have no experience in how to deal with physical violence. How do you react to such a thing? Quietly, I marched him up the stairs to turn him over to his father...who was just as dumbfounded. "I know what I would do if you were an adult," he growled softly, "But, you are six."

What do we do? He is grounded of course...but is this just an indication of things to come? Is my sweet, passionate, sensitive little man going to be a brawler? Or worse, a child who expresses his rage by taking a gun to school and participating in a Columbine Massacre? And why doesn't he know not to kick his mom? Why doesn't he know not to hurt girls in ANY way? Who's fault is this? How do we fix this?

Ugh.

In other news:
The J-Man & I went to a UNC football game yesterday - we took the motorcycle 'cause we are amazingly cool like that.

Overheard as we dismounted the loud, huge beast: "Wow. I didn't know it was parent's weekend!"

HAHA!

Cough Hack Snort Sniffle Whine

Ugh...the kiddo's are sick today. My middle child has a fever of 102.5 - has been running it since yesterday. Although he went to the school nurse twice, they were not able to get ahold of me and so the poor baby spent the afternoon sleeping in her office. That makes me feel like such a bad mommy. My youngest has a cough that sounds like a seal - it is his normal cough for a simple cold, but it raises quite the alarm with school districts as it sounds like whooping cough.

So I called in to work today so I could stay home and take care of them. THAT makes me feel like a bad employee...

I never was very sympathetic when my staff would call in to say they were home with sick babies. Remembering all the times I rolled my eyes while talking to them on the phone makes me feel like a bad employer and friend...

I am angry at the J-Man because he flat out refused to be the one to stay home. Some important project with a deadline, blahblahblah. I am frustrated with my extended family who tells me to "just call if you ever need me!" 'cause that apparently has stipulations. My anger and frustration with other people just because I am the one to stay home to care for my family makes me feel like a bad PERSON.

So, lets recap. One kid with a high fever, one with a scary sounding cough, and me with a case of the bad's. This is going to be a great day.

Black Hole Sun, Won't You Come

Tonight I got to talk to TWO of my closest friends in the whole d*mn world. I am funny that way - my dearest friends are people who you can not speak with for days/weeks/months and yet pick up exactly where you left off, and not feel guilty for not communicating enough. I can't do the whole "best friend" thing. Can't even call anyone my "best friend" - it makes me feel obligated and I end up hating them. Not something I like about myself, but it is better to recognize the truth rather than try to change to be someone I am not.

You all know Niel - she's my girl. An old soul who teaches me history and compassion for humanity, yet goes to loudsmashingmoshingfreakshows of concerts with me just 'cause she loves me that much. She doesn't even know the music - just goes because I want to. When she calls to tell me about her day or just to get some Mama T Time she has a way of making me feel like ... like I am needed. Fun. Wise. Loved. Important. Like I still exist...even though I have been gone from my Kenny's Staff for over 8 months now. I am a better wife, mother, friend and employee because I have a Niel in my life.

My other friend Kelli started out as my daycare provider when Taylor was a baby. When Taylor began pre-school, we continued our friendship over the phone. I kid you not, I have seen her maybe 10 times in the last 10 years...and still, I need her so. (Sad part is that she lives 12 miles away...count 'em...12, and I never see her.) Hours upon hours have been spent discussing hopes and dreams and frustrations with husbands (J-Man still calls Kelli when things need translation...she speaks his language and can talk him down from the roof, and likewise, I understand her Guy better than she does.) children, careers, religion, money, past lives and all of their victories and shaming moments, personal and social psychology. We truly have an amazing repertoire - nothing is off limits.

Except me being this crazy.

How can she be older than I am and not understand this ...place...that I am in? How can she not feel the pressure, the growling need, the gnawing to LIVE...to keep moving, to make a difference in our lifetime? What are the words I can use to describe the desperation I feel? She tries to make sense of me, but cannot grasp the concept that I feel like everyone around me is fading away in front of the TV or dying, drowning in their apathy towards life - and taking me with them!

I am at a loss for words. Perhaps it is a word choice itself that is causing the inability to find commiseration.

Or perhaps I am crazy in an original, new and undocumented way.

Nah. ;)

OOOoooops. *sigh*

First off, I would just like to say that my world has gone batty. Bonkers. Crazy. Freakin' unbelievable. Although I am very happy to have the children in school, the amount of stress incurred by trying to meet buses, sign all paperwork, remember what time each child is doing what, and making sure each child actually has shoes on before leaving the house is making my head throb. I have a job, fgs! How do other mommies DO this?! I believe I will have another glass of wine before continuing...

Okay. Better now.

Lake Winnipocket (sp?)

Here is the lake I float around on when visiting mom. Just hours of me and the fish and the sun...it really is heaven.

Thursday of my vacation started out just that way - floating. First on my back for an hour or so, and then I layed on my belly. Had to take off the sunglasses so that I could lay comfortably, of course. There really aren't very many places to put your glasses when you are out in the middle of a lake on an airraft, so I put them next to my head where they were sure to be safe. Only I didn't make allowances for a rapid movement of my arm to shoo away the dragonfly that had landed on my leg...yeah...the glasses went to the bottom of the lake. And they were my favorite, too. I was ohsosad...

When I finally came in from all the floating and sighing and whimpering, I was surprised to hear that I was going to Town for a random errand - an errand that was sure to take me near a Target. (Don't all errands take you to or near a Target Store?) After a long and wind-y drive through the forests, we emerged in some sort of shopping center that indeed have the store I needed the most. And a Circuit City. Which is apparently where my mom's errand was to be completed. That lady marched right in the door, straight to the camera section, and very cooly announced, "I will take a Nikon D70, please."

Whaaa? Knowing that she already had that model, I was confused and fascinated by her indulgence.

"We don't actually have that model, ma'am. The D80 has arrived, and we are all out of the one you are referring to. And the D80 is on sale! One thousand dollars...same price as the D70..." and that is where my comprehension level failed me.

One thousand dollars? Fgs.

"No thank you," mom replied, "I want a D70. Will you please check with your other stores to make sure there isn't one in inventory?" While one clerk complied with her wishes, the other tried to sell her a D50! (Silly boy. They don't know my mom.)

After finding out that the inventory was indeed depleted, my mother marched me across the street to a mall and repeated the same routine at a camera shop. And, to her glee, they did indeed have the D70.

Which it turns out - she was buying for me.

Can you believe this? For me. ME! Ohmygawd...me...

Everyone in the shop was so excited for me, and made a giant show of the "taking ownership of the new camera" ritual. The salesgirl put on the strap, placed it around my neck, and wished us good and happy picture taking - the perfect culmination to an amazing surprise.

Walking outside with my $1000.00 camera was like entering the world anew - so many pics to take, so little time! Only... as I took my first step into the parking lot my beautiful, amazing, fantastic camera fell right off my neck. Dropped- and shattered on the asphalt with a sickenly metallic sound. Broke. Done. Irretrievable. Complete devestation. Scr*w me in the head - I just broke the camera my mother bought me and I have had it less than 20 minutes...

Mumbling and sighing incoherently, I was led/pushed back into the mall - back into the store where my fantastic adventure had begun only moments before. Only to be ended by this senseless tragedy. "Oh no!", the salesperson said, "What HAPPENED?". I was apparently unintelligeble at this point, but somehow the tragedy was explained sufficiently enough for her to say - much to my amazement - "Oh, honey. Let me get you a new one. That was completely my fault because I put the strap on wrong, I bet." Whaaaa?


That camera store gave me a brand new camera, no questions asked, no paperwork involved, no exchanged exasperated looks...a brand new camera. With the strap on correctly.

And then I went and got new sunglasses.

WOOHOOO! Thanks mom! ;)

I Will Get To It Tomorrow, I Promise

Look what I found! A whole bunch of CD's that I would put off listening to that deal with procrastination! The answer would surely lie here, folks...for only $550 (or so). Putting things off seems to be an expensive problem.


I am procrastinating, for sure. So many things to do...things I don't wanna do...laundry, yardwork, paperwork, dishes, etc. So what have I accomplished? I have pinpointed everywhere that Dropping Daylight will be playing with Mercy Fall in a 500 mile radius in the next two months (nowhere I can go...). I have mapped out meeting places in NH for me and a 2D friend from the Quitnet - I now know that HWY 93 goes through Concord, and that Manchester is a long way away from anywhere I know anything about. I also checked the future temperature for the beach, inland and generally all of New England so that I know what to pack. IF I ever start packing. I went to see a band I have never heard of just because we were on the VIP list and did not have to pay $20 ea. to get in. (We left after two songs. Too hot, too smelly, too many people who believe in pungent armpit hair and dredlocks and entire wardrobes of hemp, and who needed to stand really close together to get the full experience...ewww. Turns out it was a Grateful Dead cover band. Good stuff for sure, but omg...the funk of humanity was horrendous.)

Here are the things I need to get accomplished in the next 48 hours.

• Clean my house
• do that stupid paperwork
• Pack- four people, eight days
• Work a catering for a wedding tonight
• Finish up School Clothes Shopping
• Groceries
• Bank
• Sleep?

It isn't so much about what needs to be done, as how it speaks to my propensity for leaving everything to the very last minute. It drives me crazy...
Wish me luck. Gonna go start something...;)