1.10.2007

Time Keeps on Ticking...


Bloggity bloggity blogblogblog...yes, I guess I do need my blog. Sad, isn't it, the ties that bind?:)

I want to start off by saying that, yes, I have been depressed. Not so much that I needed to be admitted anywhere, but enough that it showed up finally in my body. And it is going to be okay - I am going to be a big girl about things and face whatever comes head on.

When my breasts started to grow to monstrous (for me) proportions and then hurt so bad that I couldn't bear to wear anything but tank tops in the 20 degree weather we are having, I started to wonder if there was a problem. Pretty quick on the uptake, huh? When BigJer found a large lump in my left breast, I decided that I had breast cancer. I decided how I would handle chemo and radiation, picked out my fantasy wig, and even had a double mastectomy with total silicone replacements all planned out to a "t". Somewhere along this mind-screw, I decided that I was going to do everything that I have been denying myself but really, really wanted to do before I die.

I planned a road trip. A great big wonderful long road trip. I even cleaned off my credit card. I mapped it out - complete with mileage and google maps. Good thing that I didn't start calling people and letting them know that I was on my way - because I got really sick. Lack of being able to sleep, pain radiating from my gawdawfulhuge breasts, and a temperature flat kicked me on my butt. Although I had an appointment to see my doc at the end of the week for a much needed (ya think?!) check up, I decided to call again to try and schedule an earlier meeting.

Guess what? I am not pregnant. (You all know you were thinking it...and that's okay. So was my doctor.) Know what else? Not really all that crazy either. Turns out I am severely hormonally imbalanced. Yep - going through puberty again in a sense. And you know what else? I have probably been unbalanced for, oh, probably a year and a half now. And my doctor thinks it has been brought about by my stress level. Hmmm.

Puts everything in a neat little box with a ribbon, doesn't it? NOT crazy. Depressed, yes...but with a reason. That is very freeing to me.

So, I put away the credit and gas card, filed away my maps, canceled my imaginary long blonde rock star wig and my imaginary brave smile that I was to wear while battling through chemo. Instead, I will start on progesterone tomorrow. And I will have a mammogram, and perhaps even a nutritional evaluation to make sure that I am doing kind things for me other than racing to and from every show I can get tickets to. And I will cut down on coffee, even if it means that I won't be able to work with the camera until the wee hours of the night.


And I will still do a few things that I want to make sure and get done before I die, because there is no time like the present.

I have missed you! Hope your holiday season was wonderful!
:)t
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