Time Keeps on Ticking...

Bloggity bloggity blogblogblog...yes, I guess I do need my blog. Sad, isn't it, the ties that bind?:)

I want to start off by saying that, yes, I have been depressed. Not so much that I needed to be admitted anywhere, but enough that it showed up finally in my body. And it is going to be okay - I am going to be a big girl about things and face whatever comes head on.

When my breasts started to grow to monstrous (for me) proportions and then hurt so bad that I couldn't bear to wear anything but tank tops in the 20 degree weather we are having, I started to wonder if there was a problem. Pretty quick on the uptake, huh? When BigJer found a large lump in my left breast, I decided that I had breast cancer. I decided how I would handle chemo and radiation, picked out my fantasy wig, and even had a double mastectomy with total silicone replacements all planned out to a "t". Somewhere along this mind-screw, I decided that I was going to do everything that I have been denying myself but really, really wanted to do before I die.

I planned a road trip. A great big wonderful long road trip. I even cleaned off my credit card. I mapped it out - complete with mileage and google maps. Good thing that I didn't start calling people and letting them know that I was on my way - because I got really sick. Lack of being able to sleep, pain radiating from my gawdawfulhuge breasts, and a temperature flat kicked me on my butt. Although I had an appointment to see my doc at the end of the week for a much needed (ya think?!) check up, I decided to call again to try and schedule an earlier meeting.

Guess what? I am not pregnant. (You all know you were thinking it...and that's okay. So was my doctor.) Know what else? Not really all that crazy either. Turns out I am severely hormonally imbalanced. Yep - going through puberty again in a sense. And you know what else? I have probably been unbalanced for, oh, probably a year and a half now. And my doctor thinks it has been brought about by my stress level. Hmmm.

Puts everything in a neat little box with a ribbon, doesn't it? NOT crazy. Depressed, yes...but with a reason. That is very freeing to me.

So, I put away the credit and gas card, filed away my maps, canceled my imaginary long blonde rock star wig and my imaginary brave smile that I was to wear while battling through chemo. Instead, I will start on progesterone tomorrow. And I will have a mammogram, and perhaps even a nutritional evaluation to make sure that I am doing kind things for me other than racing to and from every show I can get tickets to. And I will cut down on coffee, even if it means that I won't be able to work with the camera until the wee hours of the night.

And I will still do a few things that I want to make sure and get done before I die, because there is no time like the present.

I have missed you! Hope your holiday season was wonderful!


Mike said...

You're not crazy?!?! Crap, what does that make me?

Good to see you back on the web though and I hope you feel better soon T.

Jim said...

I want to see the comet but the sky has been snowing for days.

Thank you for being the comet that shines through the clouds. I'll be watching with amazed eyes...

Rebecca said...

Yay!!! I am so glad to see you back again. Seriously! And hey, I am hormonally challenged too. Its funny how much emotional upheaval a few little hormones can cause, isn't it? Crazy stuff....I'm just glad you're back.

Jeff said...

I suppose you and your ginormous breasts must be relieved to put a name to everything odd!

I don't really know much about hormone supplements, except that they do tend to level out the peaks and valleys! Sounds like you've got a good grip on all things healthy, hold on tight!

(I guess the J-man might just be feeling a little relieved as well!)

Welcome back! Great to see you!

Anonymous said...

your mom misses you bunches 1

terri said...

Mike: how neat to see you! All is well? Do you know that it is SO much colder here than it is where you are? Is 50 miles supposed to make that much difference?!

Jim: Awww, Jim. I sure do like you.

Beautiful Becca: So the hormonal thing is manageable? I might need to hit you up for info and experience driven advice...:)

Jeff: So good to see you AND to be back. And yes, the J-man has definite emotions about all of this. Many more than I expected. I almost feel worse for him than me...
And you can bet I have a strangle hold on hanging tight!:)

Mom: I miss you bunches, too. Wish you were here...

Becky said...

So am I!! NO KIDDING.... I get to play with the nuvaring and Premarin! This is just creepy.

I had to buy new bras..... you will never guess what size!

CausedByKarma said...

fuckin hormones eh? they'll trick ya every time. but I'd try the blonde wig just the same ;)
Welcome back!