9.01.2007

Dear Diary...


I am experiencing the oddest of emotions. I don't mind it...except for... it is so difficult to decipher what is reality and what is just feelings.

One thing do know for sure: my life is about to change drastically. All of the emotional upheaval, whether or not I have chosen to fully delve into it and experience it or push it away to deal with at another time, has created some sort of transformation. Had I paid more attention, I would have some sort of idea what I have transformed into!

The overwhelming need to race around, see everyone, be everywhere, don't-miss-a-moment-of-activity has lessened tremendously. I don't feel like I will die if I stand still anymore. But the clean up of the chaos I have wreaked on my world is extensive. I am not talking about this divorce - yes, it is painful, but I think it is so necessary. I shudder to think what state of self destruction I would be in if we were still trying to keep this dead horse running. I am talking about the things and people that I have neglected while running at breakneck speed. So much to clean up. Ugh.


And I am feeling fear again...not sure if that is bad or good. Fear used to rule me. If I had been born in a tribe setting, I would be the one who harassed the local shaman constantly for different incantations or prophecy. Then - something happened, and I no longer felt fear...of any sort. I became bullet proof in my own head. Nothing bad could happen, and I could take any chance I fancied...

...it just occurred to me that what I just described is what 17 year olds feel. Bullet proof...indestructible...like they will live forever. Perhaps I needed to go back to an adolescent state and go through the whole "coming into adulthood" again...this time the right way? Hmmm. Interesting concept. My body even did the whole puberty stint in January. Wow.

And now I am to be separated from my childhood lover, and will have to learn how to have an adult relationship - with another adult. At 37. Just 20 years behind, I am. Ha!

I think my head is going to explode...

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