*sigh* I am not yet done with the daunting paperwork...but I don't care. I made tremendous progress, and my office is really clean! All my CD's are put away in alphabetical order, tons of outdated files are deleted from the 'puter, and all the wires and cables are sorted and banded together in some semblance of a straight line. I know...I know. These are all products of the avoidance behavior I embrace in times of stress...whatever. I am getting very close to my intended goal regardless of the road I choose to get there! (Do I sound defensive?)
In my tour of blogs tonight, I found myself weeping. It is fascinating to me how people express themselves in words - I find words to be the most powerful media imaginable.
I faithfully read Gods and Ghosts...Fury intrigues me like no other. She is homeless, an addict and a tremendously intelligent person. But tonight she was speaking directly to someone that she missed desperately. " I don't know why I try so hard to please you when you're not there to hear what I say. Heh, the joke's on me, you're not there. Maybe you never were." Her pain struck me right between the eyes. And she disabled her comment button, but like with Jock, is there really anything of comfort that can be said? It is what it is! Raw pain. Ugh.
My next stop was to a blog that I lurk at randomly ...I never can think of anything witty to say that would warrant me leaving a comment and building that blogger relationship, so I just lurk. Tonight's entry was starkly honest. Although it was common knowledge that he had left his wife, he chose this space in time to share why. He had fallen in love with a beautiful lady that he met on the 'net...spent months and months invested in exploring every detail of each other's lives, and had discovered that they were indeed meant to be together. He described the wonderfulness of meeting in person finally, and the pain of the impending destruction due to the actions he had taken. Divorce being first on his list. I don't know who I cried more for. Him? His wife? I dunno. I think he was very adventurous for acting on something he felt so strongly. But his wife...oh, I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I know that everyone deserves to be happy and that sometimes it just doesn't work out in a marriage. But I want to believe that there is some miracle that can take place - a miracle that makes us feel all of those fluttery, breathless feelings for our spouses again if given a chance.
I also think that I cried out of anger at myself for being jealous that he was more daring than I.