This one may never get published. This one may be a draft for it's entire life...only accessible by the one (or four? who knows anymore? I write them down...dumb*ss) who knows my password.


("The one who knows my password" was supposed to reference me...but now it could mean anyone. Great. Whatever.)

Ever been sick of you? Of who you are right now? At this moment?
(This is a rhetorical question, of course. Which question is rhetorical? Oh. All of them.)

Not in a sad, pity, woe is me, forlorn-y way...but ANGRY sick.

Like a For-God-Sake-Shut-UP! kind of angry sick.

WHY have I been feeling sorry for myself and rolling around in some imaginary mire? Good f*cking grief! HOW did I become the quivering, flailing freak anyway?! WHAT happened that made me so falsely brash and adolescent-ly (I realize I am making up words) impudent and grossly self-absorbed? (This is starting to shape up like the Five W's of reporting - only HOW begins with an H...OHMYGOD! SHUT UP!)

Oh, poor confused terri...trying to sort it all out...blah blah blah. Truth is, I f*cked up. This is my doing. I made myself this way. D*mn it.

And now I have made everything so foul and ugly and shameful and disgusting...and it's my mess to throw out and start over.

So start pitchin', sista, and stop the whining. Enough is ENOUGH. No more...

*sigh* I am not yet done with the daunting paperwork...but I don't care. I made tremendous progress, and my office is really clean! All my CD's are put away in alphabetical order, tons of outdated files are deleted from the 'puter, and all the wires and cables are sorted and banded together in some semblance of a straight line. I know...I know. These are all products of the avoidance behavior I embrace in times of stress...whatever. I am getting very close to my intended goal regardless of the road I choose to get there! (Do I sound defensive?)

In my tour of blogs tonight, I found myself weeping. It is fascinating to me how people express themselves in words - I find words to be the most powerful media imaginable.

I faithfully read Gods and Ghosts...Fury intrigues me like no other. She is homeless, an addict and a tremendously intelligent person. But tonight she was speaking directly to someone that she missed desperately. " I don't know why I try so hard to please you when you're not there to hear what I say. Heh, the joke's on me, you're not there. Maybe you never were." Her pain struck me right between the eyes. And she disabled her comment button, but like with Jock, is there really anything of comfort that can be said? It is what it is! Raw pain. Ugh.

My next stop was to a blog that I lurk at randomly ...I never can think of anything witty to say that would warrant me leaving a comment and building that blogger relationship, so I just lurk. Tonight's entry was starkly honest. Although it was common knowledge that he had left his wife, he chose this space in time to share why. He had fallen in love with a beautiful lady that he met on the 'net...spent months and months invested in exploring every detail of each other's lives, and had discovered that they were indeed meant to be together. He described the wonderfulness of meeting in person finally, and the pain of the impending destruction due to the actions he had taken. Divorce being first on his list. I don't know who I cried more for. Him? His wife? I dunno. I think he was very adventurous for acting on something he felt so strongly. But his wife...oh, I can't even imagine what that would feel like. I know that everyone deserves to be happy and that sometimes it just doesn't work out in a marriage. But I want to believe that there is some miracle that can take place - a miracle that makes us feel all of those fluttery, breathless feelings for our spouses again if given a chance.

I also think that I cried out of anger at myself for being jealous that he was more daring than I.

Today is indeed better. It is the weekend I set aside for myself to get all of the random bits that I have been putting off wrapped up and put away. These random bits have been causing me considerable amounts of stress, which everyone knows I can't handle. But, my mindframe seems to be perfect for it today - I must be in task mode. That hasn't happened in quite awhile. I am actually looking forward to diving in and getting it all cleared up. Lest I make these random bits sound inconsequential, let me add that it is all governmental agency related and the ramifications will not only affect me, but others that I am obligated to. I will be ending those obligations as soon as this is all cleared up as I no longer need to take care of others' financial affairs to make ends meet for my family. And I am grateful for that...

Last night we celebrated J's birthday. I am happy to report that I was able to put aside all of my icky feelings for one day and let that man have one perfect, tension-free day and night with the family. Even the MIL was included. He truly did deserve to have a day to celebrate him.

However, it is now the day AFTER...and while I will attempt to remain angelic, I can make no promises. ;)

Okay folks - here we go! The next time you will see me I will have unloaded nine months of agony and severe stress. (geez- it sounds so akin to labor...) Bring it on!

Wooohooo!;)

I seem to be self-destructing. I get to a level of self-assuredness, a place of knowing that I will be okay...and then I go and f*ck it up. Mainly it's by abusing my body. I will drink too much, refuse to do the regiment I set out for myself (prepared the day before even!), put myself in dangerous situations, and act on impulses that I have no idea as to where they come from. I am a grown woman! Mind boggling, it is...

So many emotions today - so little desire to reconcile them. Is it desire? Or is it resources that I am lacking? Or are these emotions even reconcileable? I dunno.

Tomorrow is gonna be better. This much I know.

School Supply Shopping - an honored tradition every fall. This year, I have three children in school. (Have you seen the current lists?! They are extensive and excessive! I really do understand now the Supply Drives that they hold for the children who have no family resources to provide these things.) I am sad to report that School Supplies still hold the same vanity point previously set when I was in school. The children are very quick to point out which items are not appropriate to their level of personal cool-ness. And, thanks to well placed advertising (that they are bombarded with all summer long) they know exactly which items will catapult them into classroom infamy. I think that I held a middle ground on which items I acceded to, and which ones I nixed. So I am, in their minds, sort of concerned about their reputations. (Good grief! If they only knew!)

Because I want to be cool with my peers as well, I spoiled myself with a new stack of 100 CD-R's and multicolored Sharpies to decorate them with. I wanted to get the purple camo messenger bag, but my inner-mommy reminded me that I have three black ones from previous years that I never use. Ugh. My inner-mommy can be so lame sometimes...;)

Do any of you darling bloggers know why in the world I cannot upload pics anymore? My settings are all correct, I swear. Help...!


Oh sure. Now it works. Here is the manager of the Loyal Family band at the Aggie Theatre. I just wanted to rub his head - and then I took a picture so that I would remember it in the morning. Thank god for camera's...so much of my life would be a blank with out one! ;)

So, the Terri&Niel duo hit another concert on Sunday. Well...kind of a concert. Warped Tour is supposed to be the height of the summer up-and-coming band showcases. Of course I wanted to be there! Plus, 30 STM was playing...couldn't miss it. No sir.

Let me tell you what we found: a reaaaaaaly hot parking lot. With lots of stages and booths and trash galore. And rotten adolescents (some brought by their mommies! Ha!) running amok. The entry guard made us toss our carefully planned water bottles full of Raspberry Rum, and even one open bottle of water, (alcohol abuse!!) so I couldn't even anesthetize myself enough to block out the children. (I use wine at home for that purpose.) The highlight was finding some young bands who really wanted us to check out their music, asking us to listen through headphones and watching our faces for reactions.

Sidenote: One young man was so eager and his music was truly good, and I was thrilled that we had taken a chance on buying his wares. His eagerness to please wore on me when he announced "Yeah, mom's always like us." And then that child smiled and nodded to Niel in quite the conspiratory fashion - he apparently thought she was my beautiful daughter. Talk about a fall down to Earth. After a quick adding, we discovered she could indeed be my offspring! Hmmm. I should be so lucky! ;) Anyway...I digress.





We mapped out the bands we wanted to listen to: Aiden (good), Greeley Estates (omg - the screaming woven throughout the lyrics about killed me!), Less Than Jake(never made it, but I have always liked them), and 30 STM. All of that planning and waiting for the appropriate stage times and wading through rivers of trash and sledge put quite an edge on my expectations of the bands and their audiences. I was truly sad when we left the one stage that made us the happiest (Joan Jett and the Blackhearts) to get in line for 30 STM. Although we could still hear her, I wish we would have stayed to see her in action. That girl still has all of the prowess she employed in the '80's. Unbelievable. 30 STM? Yeah. People pressed in like sardines. On the pavement. In 104 degree heat. Not to mention the crowd busters who would lock their arms and start plowing through the crowd to get closer to the stage. Believe it or not - I have learned nothing from my YeahYeahYeah concert experience. I almost threw down at least twice...Niel is so darn little and makes a nice target for big dumb*sses who want to get through quickly. Ugh. The mommy in me wanted to teach them some manners, fgs! We ended up exiting that crowd and sitting on a curb out of view of the stage for the remaining two songs...and decided right then and there that we had received quite enough from the skaterpunk/gothwanna-be fourteen year olds. We left. And waded back through the rivers of trash created by these disrespectful Coloradoan teens. To think some of them were brought there by their own parents. For shame.





The coolest part of the day? Getting some new CD's. The absolute best part of the day? Hanging with a friend that will try anything - and makes everything fun even in the worst of environments. The lesson learned from the day? I don't like Warped Tour. That knowledge will save me some money next year.

Aaargh! It finally happened...I cleaned house on Friday Night. OMG. Friday Night. I cleaned...I feel sick to my stomach saying that. Friday Night is sacred, isn't it? 'Tis the night you get together with your friends after work for a couple 'o cold ones, then get dropped off at home to change your clothes to meet up with that special someone for a nice dinner, go back home, change your clothes again to go dancing, then cap it off with a nice breakfast at Perkins if the mood does not strike to have breakfast in bed! Isn't that how it goes?

I cleaned house. Ugh.

On a high note, I got to spend some time with some new music. I want to yell to everyone at the top of my lungs: you must go buy you some GhostMachine! (More about that in a minute.) I also listened to Wolfmother which I think is gonna be a constant in my life, and my new Dropping Daylight CD which my middle son now knows every lyric to. And alternately plays the guitar or drums, depending on the availability of a flat surface. He has talent, I am sure of it! *I say as his mother...*

I got myself in alot of hot water this week at work. I know nothing of institutional workings or corporate trappings...I have been employed by locally owned restaurants or businesses for my whole adult life. This being said, I am learning slowly what kind of grease makes the wheels turn in order to get things done the way you want. Connections, baby! Of which I made a wrong one.
All I wanted was a flat screen for my 'puter, and the guy who was installing them in priority order promised that he could get me one ASAP. He made some calls, some lady comes to my desk, deems it incredibly debilitating and ergonomically incorrect, and writes a report stating I need a flatscreen immediately. Cool. Except then the report goes to occupational health - they in turn fire off a letter to my department leader demanding a complete new workstation. At my departments expense. My boss was LIVID! That afternoon was quite rough in my little world, but I accepted responsibility like a champ. Apparently, my capitulation to his workover made him feel bad 'cause when I arrived at work the next morning, on my desk were two new CD's...and a newly installed keyboard tray. No, no flat screen, but the aforementioned GhostMachine is awesome. By the way, the guy that promised me the goods "has been removed from his position" for over three weeks now. He must have made LOTS of vows that he could not keep...and I have in the meantime formed some connections that will not be so detrimental.

I think I had a robot visit me today...79 comments is the report I got, but funny - I only have like 25 posts! Where did the other 50 random bits of nothing that I am afraid is harmful go? Hmm.

Today I remembered something...something I used to live by, but somehow gave up in the last year. I am still in charge of who I want to be and where I want to go . I know it sounds so ... I dunno...pollyann-ish, juvenile, smarmy (there is an adjective I am looking for! What IS it?), but it's still true. This living in the internet world seems to give us a mirror to who people THINK we are, and it is easy to capitulate to that image. But at some point I think its important to buck that trend and continue to alter ourselves in the REAL world. I know I need to make some serious changes, and start dreaming some progressive dreams before those changes just HAPPEN to me, and there is no time left for dreaming.

So just who is it that I want to be? And where is it that I want to go? Hmmm...

I didn't take that picture in the previous post, I swear. I swear on everything that is holy - I got it from an online swimsuit catalogue. I promise.

...a little stuck, am I, in my glass box today. Not communicating well, but I can see everything going on around me. I feel as awkward as the child with her face pressed up against the window...features all warped and smashed, looking at everything that is unaccessible at this point. Tomorrow morning I am hoping to find the lid to my glass box open. I have had enough trying to break out for today.

You are not going to believe what I did today...I took the day off! Yep. Me. And I took my children to the pool. And I wore a bikini. Two amazing things in one day.

Wearing a bikini is frightening to some women, believe it or not. I have issues with my aging body - and although I know it could be so much worse, I (arrogantly) assume that everyone is dissecting my flaws.

As the children were off splashing and going down the slide, I had the opportunity to see one woman laying out in HER bikini, too. She obviously was a regular - not a tan mark on her, but flawlessly bronze. Her top was tied with an organzy ribbon, and the bottom was a small triangle of - a thong?! What? How wonderful to be able to wear a thong to the city pool! Mani/pedi, waxed to the hilt (I am assuming here), flip-flops to match her poolbag, and a cute little visor...not a flaw on her young, pampered body. Good lord, I was drowning in jealousy and admiration. And feeling ohsosorry for myself. Obviously, she had not borne the many children I have, she had not given up her breasts so that her babies would receive the much-touted nutrients, and she did not have to work a day job therefore allowing her ample pool time. Ugh. I could have asphyxiated in my pool of self pity.

But then something amazing happened. As I was swirling around the drain of my contempt, a giant thug of a guy walked in. Beautifulperfectgirl's demeanor changed, and I watched as she shrank into a tiny little shell. I do not know what he said to her, but the words must have been harsh. He was not angry, just very authorative...and brief. She packed up her poolbag, and followed him mutely and meekly out of the pool area. And never came back.

What is the lesson I learned here? I would much rather have my slightly flawed and aging body than live with the possibility that someone could make me their possession. I have freedoms not granted to many, many wives. I do and say and go as I please. I can CHOOSE to be a good wife, but it is never demanded.

I felt badly for her...my self-pity became empathy. And my new goal is to work out so freakin' hard that I can wear a thong bikini SOMEWHERE other than my backyard pool. It might just be to the neighbor's backyard pool, but it will be a thong d*mmit!

My mum is the greatest. No, I swear! Having E enter our lives at such a pivotal moment has not shaken her one bit. In this age of MySpace and blogging, my mom calmly sits on the lake in her boat with her laptop reading up on not only MY ramblings, but also the wild life of a 16 yr old girl - and never once judges or critics. I am very proud that E will be able to integrate peacefully into my existing family. It is quite the matriarchy with us - the women determine how things will proceed. E will be accepted with open arms into a family that has loved her from the moment she was born. How lucky are E & I?!

I don't like me today. I am overwhelmed and under-petted. The part of me that needs lotsa interaction with losta people is screaming with neglect, but there is nothing I can do about it on a Saturday morning with work looming in just a few minutes. And I am pretty sure that interaction with lotsa people is not even the solution to how I feel! (What miserable company I would be.)

It isn't something I can fix with a night drinking and dancing in a different town...h*ll, I don't even want to drink (or dance!) in my own house today. It isn't something I can fix by e-mailing, txting, calling, IMing, writing, going to a concert, attending a house party, or even flying back east for some R & R. Can't keep it at bay by reading, making out, floating in the pool, listening to music or by taking a walk. It is what it is, and apparantly I must go through it and not over, under or around it. Ugh. Not a fan of the direct approach, it seems...

Okay. It is really hard to imagine breaking up with the only person you have had "intimate relations" with for the past 16 years...especially when it is still good. Can you stay married just for that? Maybe not only that. It is unbelievable how anger melts and emotions calm after an especially fulfilling encounter. Perhaps it is true that souls meld during the act of sex. My soul wants this marriage to make it! ;)

Whodathunkit?! Apparantly, the general concurence amongst bloggers and 3D people is that men cook better. Fine. They should do just that then...cook away, my love! And also? I think men clean toilets better, too! *running to hand over sponge and ajax*


T and I went for a walk tonight. I am always amazed at what happens in a thirteen year old mind, so I did not take my iPod and I did not do my reallyfastwalkthatshouldmakemythighslean walk. I just listened. She asked me what normal is (aaack!). She told me about her friend that escaped from a horribly abusive father in the Ukraine that is now tracking her down to our town in order to take her and her mom back for a communal punishment. She told me about the reallycutetallboy that she met last week, and she asked me if the boy she wants to kiss still has to talk to Dad first. (The answer is YES!...and I am so glad she still believes that!) She told me that she has a hard time asking for help in math, because she is afraid people will find out that she doesn't know everything. *sigh* And she told me about another acquaintance who shoplifts rampantly AND smokes AND makes out with 20 - something year old men. (What does "make out" mean to a thirteen year old these days? I was afraid she would stop talking to me if I asked too many questions.)

This is the part that kills me, though...she thinks she is a geek. A nerd. Invisible to the kids she wants so much to be like. Aaaargh. I take that so personally! I wanted her to grow up with a sense of self that couldn't be shaken. I am sitting here in the dark wondering if I failed her, or is this what most thirteen year old girls feel?

And so - we are right back to the first question: What is normal?

So, my children think Dad is a better cook than Mom. I don't know what to do with that piece of information. I know that my daughter will always think Dad is better than Mom, 'cause that's just how girls are! And while it stings, I can understand and sometimes even deal with that. Now... aren't my boys supposed to think I hung the moon? I know they think I am pretty cool, and I know they come to me with all their littleboyproblems and littleboyprojects, but how can they possibly agree that Dad cooks better? That blows my mind. I am gonna cook the most awesome dinner tomorrow...and then I will eat it all by myself. Hmmph.

I got to see Niel tonight, and oh, how good it was for my soul. I have a friend that makes me belly laugh while shopping for toothpaste at Target. I have a friend that will listen to the same song over and over (complete with choreography), bellowing the lyrics through the sunroof, and still get chills everytime the opening guitar riff stirs. I have a friend who changes the way I live in any given moment...her very prescence calms and revives me simultaneously. And she is crazy as h*ll. I am blessed.

Have a good road trip with the Howmiester, Niel...and don't let NIN make you speed TOO much!

My vision is starting to clear.

I was so afraid that I was going to be crazy forever...that I would never be able to concentrate or see things wholly. I have never in my life taken such an extended absence from reality, and I am not sure how to keep it from happening again. I wonder what it is called...I wonder if other people go through it. I guess the best way to describe it is to say that it is like living like you are only watching a movie. Nothing has real-life consequences, everything happens in twists and turns, nothing is out of the question and everything is either extremely exciting or extremely bad. It was as if I started a whole different life. I loved the heights and depths of the emotions I experienced - but it took such a toll on my family. I would rather be me. Silly, happy, extroverted, creatively sane, loving me. I can't get back the things I gave up in the past nine months, like my job, but maybe that is okay too. My job brings my family tremendous blessings that they have previously been denied because I insisted on working for love and not money. Now I work only for money - I gotta find some way to weave some love in there I guess.

But I am seeing things correctly again. Unless this is just another cruel twist and I am crazier than before. How can one diagnose such a thing? Hmmm. I guess the proof will be in the pudding. ;)

Ha! I corrected someone the other day (he was being quite snarky to me, so I used English as my weapon of choice) for saying insure when he meant ensure. Now, as I am looking through my past entries I find that I have used elude instead of allude. Karma sucks sometimes.

So...we are going to try counseling. I have always enjoyed talking, so the prospect of having a paid, captive audience is attractive. Unfortunately, Marriage Counsel usually entails both parties be present. I am not so crazy about that.

I know I am being cute-sy about this...in reality, I am only doing this because I think I owe my children every chance they can get at a complete, happy family with two parents. Otherwise, I think I could be perfectly happy just packing it in and walking away. Take notes Gentlemen - the "C" word destroys something in women. It is a killer of feelings.

A friend and I were talking about Sex Dreams tonight. You know the kind - the ones where you dream you have amazing, wild, freaky-as-sh*t sex with the guy/girl that works in the office next to you, or delivers the linens...whatever. I personally get emotionally attached to that person for a period of time. The blushing, the giggling, the doe eyes - every single one of those things contrived from just one really good dream! Of course that attachment only works out satisfactorily if the person is not a complete YUK in real life. I am also always relieved when the feelings finally wear off! Especially the guilty part.

Does this silly schoolgirl feeling happen to everyone? How do men react to the Sex Dream conundrum?

The Human Psyche is so incredible...

Here are my sweet babies...and the other pic is the reason why where I live has a reputation...we fool ourselves by calling it the smell of money. Bah!
I tried desperately to post these with my entry last night, but ended up falling aslep at my desk while waiting for my 'puter - or BlogSpot- to right itself again and allow me to do so. Story of my life. I am asking the Tooth Fairy (who is coming tonight for my middle child) for a NEW life. Or a new 'puter. I already got the new BlogSpot.

Happy, Happy Fourth of July! What an impactful holiday...my kids learned so much. I hope they learned more history and pride than they did the terrible nature of mankind. Ugh.

We started out our day going to the Parade. In our small town, it is a HUGE deal - even covered by Denver's News Channels. So, of course we go. Every year. And every year it is the same fight to find a place to set up our little family in a way that the kids can enjoy the floats and marching bands, and we can enjoy the kids enjoying. The best place (and traditional too!) for all the local children is on the curb while the parents hang back on the grass. However today, as my sweetums looked for a place by the curb to clump, they could find nowhere that an adult would let them stay. One gentleman made them cry...told them to VAMOOSE! He was saving that spot for HIS kids, and they would need to move on. Turns out his kids were adults, too. You should have seen the look on my babies' faces. So betrayed. Who does that? To boot, they only needed half the space he was saving. Do you think he moved his impressively large blanket so that children could even get near the floats? Nope. Jerk. So proud to have him as a fellow citizen.

A few minutes in to the parade, Jer got a call from his mom. She had fallen on her face and needed him to take her to the ER. Now, the 4th is a terrible day for Jer anyway because it is the day he unplugged his father from life support 11 years ago. This event with his mother completely sent him over the edge. He still has no idea how to grieve or even how to express his feelings, so everything comes tumbling out in anger and rage at whoever is closest. Today that was me. Flying ultimatums, threats and sarcasm...it is just too much. I am noticing more and more that I don't feel anything but disgust. And that I welcome him saying that he is going to leave... I am dreadfully ashamed to admit that I feel that way. And I am ashamed that I am already making plans for how I will construct my life when he does leave.

Blech.

We ended the day by going to the fireworks without him, left him home asleep. I truly believe that he went to bed to escape himself. And we had a really good time! Truly a nice ending for the kids and I...

OH! The neighbors! Well, apparantly the City came by and cited them for excessive rubbish and warned them about the excessive dogs and the excessive vehicles (and the parking on the lawn) and the excessive noise. Which they (rightfully) assumed originated with a complaint from us. As I was walking home from work on Monday, I was impressed by how clean and quiet everything was...wondered what it all meant. Until their car pulled around the corner and one of the women who lives there hollers to me, "HAPPY NOW?" I ignored her...but yeah. I am happy. Today they even made me howl with laughter as we could hear their mean, scary pit bull fight with the other dogs. That isn't the part that is funny- that is disturbing to listen to. But then the ragechallengedfreak that likes to yell profanity at all hours of the day and smash things in his tantrums tried to break up the fight. HAHA! The pit bull BIT him! After all the calls to the Animal Control to get this dangerous dog taken care of with no result at all...the biting of his master did him in. The pit bull moved out this afternoon. Life is gonna be real nice in my hood once more.

Perhaps the Mean Guy at the parade will just happen to be looking for a dog in the next couple of days...;)

I got to work with my old crew last night! Oh I know, it was volunteer and it was serving food to people who paid waaaay too much money to eat in a "special" area of the Stampede and NOT with the common folk...but it was with my old crew. Although I have not forgotten how much I miss them, I had forgotten how good it is to be with them.

Some of them I have known since they were 15 years old. Back then they were just starting out as a hostess or dishwasher, little awkward gangly people - and now they are 22 years old! And oh, so talented. One of my girls is moving to Pittsburgh with the chef (ugh...the egomaniacal slug who wouldn't serve the gravy...) , another is going to NY to attend more TV and Movie school (watch for her - she is gonna be HUUUGE!), and another will be a musician come h*ll or high water.

And they still love Mama T.

I wish it was possible to go back in time. It's not true that you can always go home.

P.S. I attended my very first Country&Western concert - Sugarland. I am happy to report that it wasn't bad at all!

Aaaack! One of the referring pages of a visitor of mine came to my blog by googling "pregnant fetish"!

What the h*ll do I do with THAT?!

Sometimes the ole brain is so muddled...

I am frustrated with my inability to make sense of all the happenings to me, around me, and because of me. I am distraught over my drinking too much, saying too much, fearing too much - and my favorite, my penchant for being a reactionary instead of a preventor.

I did, however, finally get to speak with E's parents and our lawyer today. I came away from it trembling and nauseous but only because I was so worked up before the phone conference even began. They are still the wonderful people I selected to raise my daughter 16 years ago, and I hear the tremendous amount of love they hold for her in their manner of oration. I appreciate that so much. They are resigned to the fact that what is done is done in regards to her choice of contacting me, and the future is what must be managed to the best of our abilities. They are committed to letting E be herself, and to make those choices that she feels she must make in regards to maintaining a relationship with me and her birthfather. Additionally, we agreed that our future relationship will be with all three of them, and that I will not be a safe harbour or a confidant when it comes to E making dangerous choices (should she choose to share that information with me). A united front is what we will present...I love that. That is what I would want from any adult my 13 year old should befriend. This must be as stunning and earth shattering to them as it is to us. And yet, their demeanor with me was open, friendly, loving - just as I remember from being a child myself...

E is three years younger than I was when I got pregnant and chose her family for her.

Um...I don't know why I think these things. And is this thought terrifying or ironic?

The muddled, addled brain. Making me crazy, I swear.