Better Left Behind Closed Doors

I am a mess. A freakin' mess.

Friday I will sign papers that end the last 22 years of my life.

I will be a single mother of three children. One of them a teenager.

I have had to start worrying about utilities and credit card bills instead of road trips and drink money. The kind of worry that makes you vomit when you think about amounts due and due dates. Makes me feel like I have wasted the past two decades only to start again at less than ground zero.


Want to know what is the worst part of all of this? Watching my youngest child disintegrate into a rageful puddle of violence and irrational behavior. Right now he is sobbing in his bed because he lost at UNO and I wouldn't let him trounce his older brother into oblivion for winning. He is so angry and thinks the world is against him...I don't want this for my baby.

I didn't want this for any of my children. I want them to be able to to experience normal emotional growth, and deal with normal childhood worries. Not this all pervasive fear and anger.

This is why I don't believe in divorce.

I don't think I believe in marriage now, either.

Sorry, Mom. I will be drinking myself to sleep tonight.

...how proud you must be.


Jim said...

Better days coming. Better days coming. Better days coming...

Sarah said...

I think it's harder for you to watch your kids in inner turmoil than it is for them to be going through it.

Marriage is overrated, and divorce seems to be a necessary evil for our own sanity.

I remember my friends growing up being pissed at the world, and not knowing why. I at least had something to blame it on (right or wrong)- my parent's divorce.

Your last line killed me. I'm sure she still is proud of her daughter. Look at what a wonderful person, friend, and mother she has raised.

dutch2u said...

I "next blogged" into you today at work (our secret, OK?), and I can relate. There was a time that I thought divorce was only for losers and quitters but that was when I was smug and (somewhat) happily married. As the relationship deteriorated, my feelings changed and I realized that sometimes, it's the only option. Besides, I would have never met Mary (or she, me) and what a loss that would be.
The kids are more reiliant than it seems right now and as much as anything, it's the changes in normalcy they are reacting to. Happiness is contagious, you'll see. I'll check on you from time to time, your friend, John
PS - Good job on the quitting, I remember you smoking your face off at work.

terri said...

Thank you for the daisies, Jim. Your link magic always makes me smile...and you are right...there are better days coming. Hurry on with them, then! :)

Sarah, you are correct that at least we had something to blame our ills on. I wish I could remember what my peers used as their excuse...hmmm. I do like that view of it all, though.

John! Ha! Nextblogging at work?? Funny stuff! And running into me of all people? Even more serendipitous! Thank you for your words. I respect you and Mary tremendously...that gives great weight to your thoughts on this. Please do check in on me. And keep me out of the cooking wine in the kitchen. ;)

Jeff said...

You know, I think that darkness makes us apreciate light all the more! Also, as dark as things can get, and as sure as you can be that the sun will never rise again, it always does anyways. If you are the one focused on the horizon, you will see the light before anyone else!

Say Anything said...

Uh..got an extra beer? :)

I'm sorry, terri - there's truly no shortcut getting through difficult times, especially knowing your children are hurting.

It's kind of like having a band-aid, though: the sooner you rip it off and move on, the better off you'll all be...?

Along the way said...

Oh Terri, I am so sorry that things are so crappy for you right now. I know you are moving in the right direction, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Hang in there.

terri said...

Jeff! How nice to see you! And yes...you are so very right. I will keep an eye on the horizon. :)

Indi - guess what? We can finally do that road trip that hits every bar from coast to coast now...can you find us a designated driver, though?

And, oh yes. The band-aid analogy is very apropos.

I'ma hangin'. Don't you worry one little bit. And thank you so much for being you... :)