In the Rearview Mirror...

(apropos of nothing...Jessa's bachelorette party)

I swear to you that sometimes I do not know what I am feeling until I sift through my words like an archaeologist, looking for little pieces bones. Brings to mind Peter Gabriel's' Digging in the Dirt...
(Digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt...)

I was walking away from the computer after my last entry, shaking my head and marveling at how little detail I provided and how emotionless I sounded. But there really were so many emotions about that night!!

Number one: ohhhh ...my camera. My beloved camera. An extension of my heart! I heard the shattering before I could stop my fall. And there was nothing I could do. I got stepped on, too, but I didn't care at that point. I know that nobody died...but still. My camera was in pieces. And so was my mind.

In fact, the state of my camera is a great metaphor for the state of my being...ha!

I had bailed out of work early that night, withdrew funds from my account that I couldn't afford, drove way too fast down to Denver, fought with Jerry on the phone because he didn't want me to go, threw a temper tantrum when I figured out that the Gothic Theatre is NOT on Colfax, and generally bullied my way through the "getting there" experience. You would think that I could listen to the universe's signals to slow down and just let things happen the way they are supposed to...but no. I had to push things through and make it go like I thought it should be.

Although we did make it in time for the Meet & Greet with the bands, and even got to see the acts warm up...I was truly feeling the cost of all of my actions up to that point.

When I did finally get knocked down in the crowd, I actually felt like I deserved it. Not just for that night. But for all of the nights leading up to that. All the adolescent acting out that I was doing and the lives that I was wreaking havoc on.

I felt like I was finally paying a price with something I held dear.

...and because I felt like I deserved to lose something precious, I didn't take my camera to the shop for almost another three weeks.

Self-flogging. Self-loathing.

...you would think with the emotional price I paid and the pain of repentance, that I would change my ways. But, oh no.

The summer was just beginning.


Say Anything said...

Don't mind me...I've got A LOT of catching up to do, as well. Terri Berry Hiatus and Indigo AWOL was a terrible combination...

j.elliot said...

one starving musician came by to say. Poor camera...never even had a chance. At least you got your Wilco photos out.


Jim said...

Ohhhh...this is gettin' good...I look forward to the next installment whenever it may be ... what will happen next??????

Marla said...

Well as I leave and breath, it's Ms. Terri!!! I've missed you girly. I've been trying to read some of your new posts to catch up with your new life...you've had many changes since the last time I checked in with you. I know it's all going to be ok for you though :-)