Eaten Up

ICU, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I am a jealous person by nature. And I came by it honestly.

My mother is jealous of time spent with others (her own words), and it is her clarity on the issue that allows me to understand where my own thoughts torment me.

I am jealous of others' affection. I crave the status of favorite in everyone's heart - no matter the position. Favorite friend, favorite daughter, favorite parent, favorite student, favorite woman in bf's life, favorite employee, ad nauseum. I crave this status as favorite even when I don't deserve it. And even when it wouldn't make sense.

Over time, I have learned to control how I act on these feelings - I am fairly good at using logic to diffuse my bratty, fit-throwing two year old before I cause too much damage.

However, every once in awhile, that poisonous green fog envelops me in a way that I get disoriented. Especially when it comes to my kids.

I want for my children to have the healthiest relationship possible with both of their parents. I still believe that their dad is a fantastic father, and I also feel that we have both chosen romantic partners that care about our children.

But I want to be their FAVORITE.

Willy

Willy Tank, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I am supposed to be studying. I have a huge speech to give tomorrow, and two papers to turn in.

I am rebelling.

I am working on pictures and cleaning out drawers and making myself notes to remember to send birthday and anniversary cards to obscure friends whose special occasion dates I just happen to remember even though I sometimes struggle to recall my own checking account number.

I am setting myself up for disaster and I have no earthly idea why.

Do you know why?

Will you tell me?

Overly Smiley

I have a goal this week. 

I am going to omit emoticons from my texting and emails. 

Not really a big deal to most people, but I have been overusing them to the point of worrying that I am not expressing myself correctly if I do not have a smiley or frown or heart or other punctuated facial expression. I know, right? Here I am, a self-professed lover of words and communication, hooked on smileys for interpretation. I have to get a handle on this. (Imagine a frowny face here.)

Another thing I have given up: Alcohol. 

Boyfriend and I gave up alcohol for Lent. 

Having never observed the Lenten Season before, this was quite the leap of faith (adoration) for me. And guess what? It really isn't that big of a deal! I thought I would be jonesin' and cryin' in my green tea by now, but honestly - it hasn't come up as an issue. Well... except for maybe at the airport in Boston when I REALLY wanted a Blueberry Beer at the Brewery Works. Or when I went out for "drinks" with a girlfriend and ended up drinking a pot of coffee whilst she enjoyed vodka and Redbull. That kinda stank. But not enough to abandon my intentions. (I almost put a smiley here! Dammit!) 

What did you "give up for Lent" - if anything? Do you ever deprive yourself of something just to teach yourself restraint or dedication?

(Insert heart here.)

I can always tell when I think things are "good enough" in my life.

I stop wanting and wishing and grappling and wrangling. I stop creating and fulfilling and ...well, I stop writing.

Not that my writing betters anything - or changes anyone else's reality. The only one who notices when I take a sabbatical is me. It isn't like I am letting anyone down with my silence.

It is, however, my way of communicating with the temper tantrum, fit throwing, attention starving two-year old in my head. Writing is how I "hash it out" with myself. Most people are emotionally mature enough to be introspective without this process - I am not. Often, I will feel upset or on edge...and it takes me a good long time to identify what the cause really is! Sometimes I will erroneously attach my upset to whatever train is passing through the yard in an effort to make sense out of my feelings.

God help the human who is nearby when I am looking for a train to hang my upset on. My cargo is not light.

Sometimes it will take years for me to recognize my inappropriate identification of the issues,  sometimes just days or hours. And sometimes you can't say you are sorry for the damage caused during the processing time involved. Or have already said it too many times to be effective.

So, I write.

And I can feel the bratty two-year old gearing up for a tantrum. Let's hope I can find out what her problem is before it becomes someone else's.

Sunshine-y Moment

Lil H's
Originally uploaded by tielji

There are moments in time where everything lines up just right.

Perfectly.

Beautifully.

Tonight is one of those nights.

Yes, I have bills due. Yes, I have homework due and a quiz to take that I have no chance of passing (stupid college algebra - HATE it!). Yes, I miss my kids. Yes, I still am working life out day-to-day.

But guess what? I will always have a bill or two due...that's the way it is. And I love the fact that I get to do homework! How awesome is it that I am back in school?! And my kids come home on Sunday - lots of mommies don't get to say such a wonderful thing. And working life out in a day-to-day fashion keeps me humble and grateful.

...and now I am going to go crawl into a bed next to my sweetheart - I am a very blessed girl.

Tell me - what was the very best thing about your week? :)

Perspective

Perspective

Originally uploaded by tielji

It's all about perspective.

I know this.

We can each look at the same event and come away with a different life lesson or opinion.

We can change our attitude just by changing how we view our circumstances.

Sometimes, though? Sometimes I can't change my perspective and it takes a drastic measure on the Universe's part to wrench my gaze back to what really matters.

I tend to be a bit obsessive. I lock on to an idea, an exchange with another person, a relationship, or a hurt - mostly on to hurts and worries, and I can't break free. I mull it over fifty different directions, I dig up all of the details for rehashing, I talk about it incessantly, I make plans based on it's importance - and then when my focus changes, I look back and despise myself for my previous conduct. As you can probably guess, I get obsessed about my obsessiveness!

Do you, my dear friends, think that this lack of perspective/obsession problem is a chemical thing? A human condition? A gender issue? A psychotic tendency? An indicator of maturity?

I shall check back incessantly to see your answers.

:)t

Entwined

Entwined
Originally uploaded by tielji

We are strands of barbed wire.

With sharp words that shred and gouge each other, we try to protect our boundaries. We position ourselves for maximum security, minimal intrusion.

Our strength lies in steely resolution. It is maintained through tautness and and a resistance to the elements.

How lonely.

Let's, you and I, align ourselves. Let's entangle in such a way that our barbs don't dig at one another. Let's use our strength and stark beauty to bring peace to our granted parcels of earth, and to establish boundaries where nothing but love may enter.

Let's support each other's purpose.

Let's entwine.

Grilled

Grilled
Originally uploaded by tielji

Happy New Year, Friends. May 2011 bring you much joy, peace and blessings.


Tomorrow my kids go back to school. Tonight - after being on Christmas Vacation for the past...what? Three and a half weeks? ... my youngest son announces at the dinner table that he has 11 pages of homework due in the morning.

Eleven. Pages.

I know what you are thinking - surely since he is only in fourth grade, these are eleven worksheets with minimal effort required, right?

Uh-uh. Nope. Eleven pages of long division/cross-multiplication and graphing - with some word problems interspersed for maximum anxiety.

Because I want to be a good mommy (or at least appear to be a good mommy a few minutes of every day because I am sure that will add up over time to having a few years of appearing to be a good mommy) I sat with him at the kitchen table, with water glasses, a calculator (to check our answers only), and two pencils at the ready.

Things went just fine for the first 4 pages. The kid has long division down. No worries.

The fifth page? Cross-multiplying. The kid does NOT have this down. And the longer I tried to explain why the method he was using was wrong (as evidenced by the very wrong answers he was coming up with!!) the more he insisted that his teacher taught him how to do it just. that. way., and now I was trying to confuse him and get him in trouble with his teacher.

As he ultimately melted down into a puddle of anger, raging about how his teacher must have lied to him if he was wrong because she told him he did it right, *screambawlsniffwhine* I totally got why parents talk about struggling to help their kids with homework. I always thought it was because we just aren't as smart as we once were, and these kids are kicking our arses with the math and sciences they do these days!

I don't think that is the reason anymore. Well, maybe sometimes. But mostly - I think we don't want to help because it is just one more opportunity to have a power struggle. To have a fight with our loved ones. One more arena where parents get to reap what they sowed when they were being helped by their own parents way back in the day. One more place to battle and say things that we don't necessarily mean (WHY can't you just GET this? If you will just LISTEN to me instead of playing DUMB ....no honey, I don't think you are dumb. That is NOT what I said. No it isn't. NO it ISN'T. Fine! You think you know so much??! Time for you to go to bed! You can take this up with your TEACHER in the MORNING - and then you can tell me TOMORROW NIGHT how smart you are!! ....Love you, honey....sweet dreams....*sniff* ...you okay? I do love you...*sigh*) and one more opportunity to regret another parental transgression.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go work on seven more pages of math homework before I go to bed. Night, all.

:)t

Houston, we have a...ummm...an issue.

Honestly, I just want to be healthy. I want to be sane and to have productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. Plus I want a soul mate and for someone to think that I am amazing. I also want a new Ford Edge. Used will be fine, also. Plus a gift certificate to a particular Castle Rock Boutique where there is the CUTEST little black dress that screaaams my name. 


Never mind my wish list - let's go back to being healthy and having productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. 


I have been struggling with whether or not I am doing the right thing by going back to D and performing all of the gf/office manager duties and thrills with only the office manager title. 


My gut (and my dad. and my mom.) says no.


So I decided to go look for a label to put on this little dance I am doing. I, of course, Googled my symptoms. Google is frightfully wonderful.


 It labeled me within three seconds: Codependent Relationship Addict. 


(Omfg)


Now, don't worry, I know that it's easy to diagnose and to assume all of the symptoms of whatever you are reading about - such as what second year med students experience. Or what I went through during Psych 101 when I wondered if I, too, was schizophrenic. ( I'm not. Neither am I.)


I am bringing one professional's symptom list to the board, and we can go through them together.


They are as follows:

• Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (ummm...no. Not so much. I tried dating this summer, and if you remember, that didn't turn out well for me. For evidence I submit that I am blogging on a Saturday night whilst D is in KS.)

• An inability or difficulty in being alone  (But I am getting better...)

• Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable (I dunno if I do this or not. I know that the last three men who intrigued me were all off limits to me, and D does indeed seem to be emotionally unavailable. So yes?) 

• Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner (Not on purpose. I am not the one instigating now that I am not the GF...but I don't say no before I become the overly eager partner in crime)

• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions (guilty)

• Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship (Ohhhh yeah. Blown off lotsa friends, family - even a ten year class reunion - just to be with him)

• When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone (yes)

• Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem". (Well, I tried to avoid him for awhile...that didn't turn out well. However, I don't think this applies.)

• An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others  (If we are deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship, than yes, I guess so - but I do have very clear boundaries of what I will tolerate. And this relationship is not abusive. Just painful.) 

• Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others (Yes, this seems to be tied in with the previous statement)

• Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love (I don't equate sex with love, but I sure do feel loved when the romance is intense!)

• Attempting to meld identity with partner - making their world yours (yes...yes.*sigh*)

• Being satisfied with goals that partner has reached, foregoing or abandoning own. (For pete's sake - this one startled me. Yes.)

My score is 9/12. Those aren't great odds.

I wonder why Drinking one more beer to quiet the head so you will stop obsessing about why he isn't texting you back isn't on the list.

Blustering

Johnny's Farm
Originally uploaded by tielji

I am hoping that since I used the "Blog It" feature on my Flickr Share button, the picture will turn out clean and sharp. A few times I have been disappointed with the end quality. I am crossing my fingers...

So. What's been going on with you? How was your Thanksgiving? Are you getting ready for the Big Show AKA Christmas?

Things here are odd. I don't know what to call my relationship status, I am still unemployed, and my head is still a bit too noisy for my comfort.

But all in all, I am still a very blessed girl.

I am dreading Christmas, though, and that makes me sad. Dec 27 seems to be a much more preferred day - the pressure of providing a memorable Christmas with all of it's trappings is over, but the excitement of celebrating NYE is still in the anticipatory stage.

*Noisy Head Alert* I hope that I won't be spending NYE alone this year.

Or if I DO end up spending it alone, that I have a nice supply of cabernet, cheese and crackers.
:)

Idealism down, Idealism down

I really should have a breathalyzer for my blog. I should have to prove that I am in my right head and of sound mind before I can operate the key board.

That last post? Criminy. Yes, those things are true. Should I have made them a permanent fixture of my blogging record? No. Was there fallout across the board - from friends, family and even people I have never met (but hoped to meet in the future!)? Yes, oh yes there was.

It is what it is.

I am indeed safely ensconced in D's arms this week - fully vulnerable and emotionally naked.

The risk is huge. I cannot survive another recurrence of the previous months' heartache. I can't. 

But on the other hand, don't we all take huge risks when we are truly involved with someone? How far did I really get playing it safe all of the time? How huge will the payoff be if I am making the right choice? How rewarding will it be to give all of me and not be worried so much about keeping things congruent? 

I think my idealism has taken a fatal hit right in the gut.

Sometimes things don't turn out the way I think they should. Sometimes they turn out so much better.

Trails of Bread Crumbs

I am steeped in others' blogs right now. I think I have read about 22 from beginning to end. Some of them are really long, too!

Some of them are inspiring and educational- but then I go and ruin the feelings that they leave me with by reading tomes of sadness and heartbreak and depression and overindulgence - everything that I am trying to escape.

To be honest though, it is nice to identify with other souls. I just don't think it is always very healthy.  With some, it feels like wallowing.

I am going to put the internet on hold tonight and tomorrow - the only things that will be read by me are going to be books that I can hold in my hand. Physical books without links for me to follow like a lost Gretel headed straight for the Witch's Oven.

I am clearly on the wrong trail.

Blue and other variations

I finally opened up my blinds. Good thing, too. It is beautiful outside!

The fall colors, the blue sky (I should find a descriptive word for the color other than blue - but I don't want to), the way the sunshine is slanting this time of year - it really shouldn't be missed.

This time of year is when the majority of my biggest events happened. I was married, my grandmother AND great grandmother died, my mother moved far, far away,  we lost a child, I was divorced, all three of my accidents were in October, and I met D. Not a very good month for me, I guess. Ha!

But it's gonna be okay.

As soon as I crawled out of bed for the first time in two days and opened up the blinds, I became very aware of some of the answers as to why things are the way they are.

And once you know why things are going wrong, you have a chance to right yourself.  

I don't have any goals, or real dreams. I just take every day as it comes. Mourning those days that don't turn out to be spectacular and being a kid in a candy store when they do. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing - but it sure doesn't give you an anchor to reality when you need one.

I need an anchor. Right now.

I want next October to be the one where I look back and say " Hey - look what I accomplished this year! Isn't that awesome?".

(Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it unique to just me?)

Perfect

Well, I guess I did ask the Universe to help me get my mind off of Darin and our break-up and all of the subsequent events.

I was laid off today. Maybe I was fired. I am not sure. I prefer laid off.

Two times in one year?

Ugh.

And yes, I did txt Darin to tell him...he called immediately...but had nothing to say that made anything better or worse, and to tell you the truth, I am okay with that.

He is all of a sudden the least of my problems.

Just like I asked for things to be.

Little girls, Little girls

My daughter is a senior this year. I am not sure what to do with that. It's a fact that my head refuses to recognize because in my eyes - she is still my baby!

So beautiful. So smart. So amazing. I am proud beyond measure.

She doesn't like me to speak of it, but it was just two and a half years ago that she was txting her dad from Disneyland, telling him that she was going to f'n kill me. ( I actually forgot about this - she reminded me, all the while asking me to forget about it. Crazy kid.)

Her heart is so very pure...so kind. God blessed/cursed her with a ministry to strays. Not animals - people. Stray people flock to her just to be near.

I know exactly how they feel.

Get your daytimer, Annie

It's my first day of truly being by myself. I had to stop from begging my ex to let me have the kids just a bit longer...just until I can get on my feet. But I am afraid that I don't know when that is coming!

Plus, I didn't want him to feel smug about me being alone and in pain. Thank God for pride.

Am on the job hunt now that I am no longer employed by the boyfriend. I just could not stand a minute more of watching his emails roll in - some from other women, some advice from friends on how to handle his new singlehood...gah! Why he left his email attached to our work accounts is beyond me -unless it was to get back at me for breaking us up in the first place.

I also could not handle seeing the posts that she was leaving on his Facebook. I never wrote on his wall because I didn't want to embarrass him, yet here she was blathering on about listening to the music he sent her. Music I bought for him, by the way. She posted on what was our three year anniversary. And I lost my sh*t.

I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, my computer, and every friend that we had in common on FB - including our children - removed. I closed down my blog, eradicated email accounts that we held jointly, and then wrote my resignation letter. (I later had to trash that version...)

I have never felt so immature and desperate and icky and gross and yucky in my life. I felt like Glenn Close setting out to boil the bunny.

I have yet to have any contact with him...and I am worried what state he will catch me in. Will I be reasonable and mature? Or will I be three and tantum filled? Will I rage and cry and beg and sob?

I think he should have to make an appointment to talk to me from here on out.

How about next 5th thursday of the 5th quarter?

Now What?

Some of you don't know this, but I also write Reversible Errors. Not that it should matter to you....but it might explain the gap in my entries here in QxQ. ( I just totally made up that abbreviation - I LOVE IT!)

I am hiding for a few days. Licking my wounds. Trying to make sense of everything in my world. Deciding how I want to show up and who I want to be. No easy task...and I am already a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight I am going to concentrate on asking how OTHER people are. A friend of mine suggested it as a helpful way to get over myself.

I really need to get over myself.

How are you?

OMG WTF?

...and I am done with it. I think I overdosed on my own drama and made myself sick.


Nobody is worth that.


I don't want to think about it, talk about it, or cry about it anymore.


Let's go have a drink.

I Understand

I say "I understand" or "I get that" a lot. I try to make sure I know where the other person is coming from.


But I really get it this time.


Now I understand why people take too many pills, or leave the car running in the garage, or slit their wrists when they are in emotonial pain.


It's to make it just stop...stop for just one second even...


I understand. I can't take even one second more. Please make it stop.

Copper and Gray

It is here - finally - the day that I leave to go see my mom in NH!

The last time I went to visit my mom by myself  ('07) ended very painfully...she was so disturbed by my apparent lack of presence in my own life that she felt like she needed to set me straight. It was horrific. For us both. It was doubly painful to be served with divorce papers as soon as I got home. Especially because I didn't feel like I could turn to either of my parents for support because I erroneously felt that I had let them down too much already. 



...so glad to have us all in a different space now. 


It will also be a bit challenging to go knowing that the last time I was there was with Darin - taking someone you love home with you gives everything a different flavor when you return by yourself. 

Perhaps that is why he didn't take me to HIS home but very rarely. Maybe. Who knows? I guess it doesn't matter much anymore, huh? 


Anyway. 

Labor Day Weekend! Wowwww...what a great time! The kids and I went and stayed at a lake house with a large family and all of their friends. There was boating and tubing and fire pits and cajun boils and kegs and bonfires and smores and skinny dipping (not by me or mine!) and dancing and laughing and napping in the sun and golf cart racing and midnight walks on the beach ... I could not have dreamed up a better vacation.  


I spent my time hanging with the "Lost Boys of Summer" (so dubbed by me as they were all in their early to mid thirties but were still partying on their parents dime like they were in high school) and thoroughly enjoyed myself - especially because I was the only girl amongst them. They were, every one of them, a gentleman - and exactly what I needed. I came away feeling so full of life and...well...beautiful! I haven't felt beautiful in a very long time. I hadn't even realized it until the void was filled. Filled without even exchanging a single kiss or touch. Amazing. 

I am so thankful to have been able to experience that time, and also to have had my children present - what great memories for all of us. 

How did YOU spend your weekend?