Houston, we have a...ummm...an issue.

Honestly, I just want to be healthy. I want to be sane and to have productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. Plus I want a soul mate and for someone to think that I am amazing. I also want a new Ford Edge. Used will be fine, also. Plus a gift certificate to a particular Castle Rock Boutique where there is the CUTEST little black dress that screaaams my name. 


Never mind my wish list - let's go back to being healthy and having productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. 


I have been struggling with whether or not I am doing the right thing by going back to D and performing all of the gf/office manager duties and thrills with only the office manager title. 


My gut (and my dad. and my mom.) says no.


So I decided to go look for a label to put on this little dance I am doing. I, of course, Googled my symptoms. Google is frightfully wonderful.


 It labeled me within three seconds: Codependent Relationship Addict. 


(Omfg)


Now, don't worry, I know that it's easy to diagnose and to assume all of the symptoms of whatever you are reading about - such as what second year med students experience. Or what I went through during Psych 101 when I wondered if I, too, was schizophrenic. ( I'm not. Neither am I.)


I am bringing one professional's symptom list to the board, and we can go through them together.


They are as follows:

• Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (ummm...no. Not so much. I tried dating this summer, and if you remember, that didn't turn out well for me. For evidence I submit that I am blogging on a Saturday night whilst D is in KS.)

• An inability or difficulty in being alone  (But I am getting better...)

• Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable (I dunno if I do this or not. I know that the last three men who intrigued me were all off limits to me, and D does indeed seem to be emotionally unavailable. So yes?) 

• Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner (Not on purpose. I am not the one instigating now that I am not the GF...but I don't say no before I become the overly eager partner in crime)

• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions (guilty)

• Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship (Ohhhh yeah. Blown off lotsa friends, family - even a ten year class reunion - just to be with him)

• When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone (yes)

• Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem". (Well, I tried to avoid him for awhile...that didn't turn out well. However, I don't think this applies.)

• An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others  (If we are deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship, than yes, I guess so - but I do have very clear boundaries of what I will tolerate. And this relationship is not abusive. Just painful.) 

• Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others (Yes, this seems to be tied in with the previous statement)

• Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love (I don't equate sex with love, but I sure do feel loved when the romance is intense!)

• Attempting to meld identity with partner - making their world yours (yes...yes.*sigh*)

• Being satisfied with goals that partner has reached, foregoing or abandoning own. (For pete's sake - this one startled me. Yes.)

My score is 9/12. Those aren't great odds.

I wonder why Drinking one more beer to quiet the head so you will stop obsessing about why he isn't texting you back isn't on the list.