Like a tornado, I can rip through your life. Or not.
Houston, we have a...ummm...an issue.
Honestly, I just want to be healthy. I want to be sane and to have productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. Plus I want a soul mate and for someone to think that I am amazing. I also want a new Ford Edge. Used will be fine, also. Plus a gift certificate to a particular Castle Rock Boutique where there is the CUTEST little black dress that screaaams my name.
Never mind my wish list - let's go back to being healthy and having productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings.
I have been struggling with whether or not I am doing the right thing by going back to D and performing all of the gf/office manager duties and thrills with only the office manager title.
My gut (and my dad. and my mom.) says no.
So I decided to go look for a label to put on this little dance I am doing. I, of course, Googled my symptoms. Google is frightfully wonderful.
It labeled me within three seconds: Codependent Relationship Addict.
Now, don't worry, I know that it's easy to diagnose and to assume all of the symptoms of whatever you are reading about - such as what second year med students experience. Or what I went through during Psych 101 when I wondered if I, too, was schizophrenic. ( I'm not. Neither am I.)
I am bringing one professional's symptom list to the board, and we can go through them together.
They are as follows:
Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (ummm...no. Not so much. I tried dating this summer, and if you remember, that didn't turn out well for me. For evidence I submit that I am blogging on a Saturday night whilst D is in KS.)
An inability or difficulty in being alone (But I am getting better...)
Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable (I dunno if I do this or not. I know that the last three men who intrigued me were all off limits to me, and D does indeed seem to be emotionally unavailable. So yes?)
Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner(Not on purpose. I am not the one instigating now that I am not the GF...but I don't say no before I become the overly eager partner in crime)
Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions (guilty)
Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship (Ohhhh yeah. Blown off lotsa friends, family - even a ten year class reunion - just to be with him)
When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone (yes)
Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem".(Well, I tried to avoid him for awhile...that didn't turn out well. However, I don't think this applies.)
An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others(If we are deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship, than yes, I guess so - but I do have very clear boundaries of what I will tolerate. And this relationship is not abusive. Just painful.)
Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others(Yes, this seems to be tied in with the previous statement)
Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love (I don't equate sex with love, but I sure do feel loved when the romance is intense!)
Attempting to meld identity with partner - making their world yours (yes...yes.*sigh*)
Being satisfied with goals that partner has reached, foregoing or abandoning own. (For pete's sake - this one startled me. Yes.)
My score is 9/12. Those aren't great odds.
I wonder why Drinking one more beer to quiet the head so you will stop obsessing about why he isn't texting you back isn't on the list.