2.23.2011



I can always tell when I think things are "good enough" in my life.

I stop wanting and wishing and grappling and wrangling. I stop creating and fulfilling and ...well, I stop writing.

Not that my writing betters anything - or changes anyone else's reality. The only one who notices when I take a sabbatical is me. It isn't like I am letting anyone down with my silence.

It is, however, my way of communicating with the temper tantrum, fit throwing, attention starving two-year old in my head. Writing is how I "hash it out" with myself. Most people are emotionally mature enough to be introspective without this process - I am not. Often, I will feel upset or on edge...and it takes me a good long time to identify what the cause really is! Sometimes I will erroneously attach my upset to whatever train is passing through the yard in an effort to make sense out of my feelings.

God help the human who is nearby when I am looking for a train to hang my upset on. My cargo is not light.

Sometimes it will take years for me to recognize my inappropriate identification of the issues,  sometimes just days or hours. And sometimes you can't say you are sorry for the damage caused during the processing time involved. Or have already said it too many times to be effective.

So, I write.

And I can feel the bratty two-year old gearing up for a tantrum. Let's hope I can find out what her problem is before it becomes someone else's.
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