4.12.2011

Eaten Up

ICU by tielji
ICU, a photo by tielji on Flickr.
I am a jealous person by nature. And I came by it honestly.

My mother is jealous of time spent with others (her own words), and it is her clarity on the issue that allows me to understand where my own thoughts torment me.

I am jealous of others' affection. I crave the status of favorite in everyone's heart - no matter the position. Favorite friend, favorite daughter, favorite parent, favorite student, favorite woman in bf's life, favorite employee, ad nauseum. I crave this status as favorite even when I don't deserve it. And even when it wouldn't make sense.

Over time, I have learned to control how I act on these feelings - I am fairly good at using logic to diffuse my bratty, fit-throwing two year old before I cause too much damage.

However, every once in awhile, that poisonous green fog envelops me in a way that I get disoriented. Especially when it comes to my kids.

I want for my children to have the healthiest relationship possible with both of their parents. I still believe that their dad is a fantastic father, and I also feel that we have both chosen romantic partners that care about our children.

But I want to be their FAVORITE.

5 comments:

T said...

Oh girl... BRAVO. I think many of us have our jealous streaks. They're difficult to look at and admit but they're there nonetheless.

Awareness helps!

In the meanwhile, allow your inner two year old to throw a tantrum in the privacy of your bedroom with no one around. You'll feel better. :)

Laoch of Chicago said...

I understand the feeling, although I think a more Buddhist like detachment might make one happier in the long run.

Jessica Kristie said...

Love your honesty. Great words and I completely understand. I think we have all been there in one way or another. :)

CausedByKarma said...

i just take xanax.

come to think of it, i take xanax for just about everything emotion related these days.

terri said...

@T - gonna keep working on the awareness. :)

@LOC - that kind of zen has remained elusive as of yet, but I still have hope.

@Jess - whew! I love it when I am not alone. For reals. :)

@CBK - and you never share!