It's my first day of truly being by myself. I had to stop from begging my ex to let me have the kids just a bit longer...just until I can get on my feet. But I am afraid that I don't know when that is coming!
Plus, I didn't want him to feel smug about me being alone and in pain. Thank God for pride.
Am on the job hunt now that I am no longer employed by the boyfriend. I just could not stand a minute more of watching his emails roll in - some from other women, some advice from friends on how to handle his new singlehood...gah! Why he left his email attached to our work accounts is beyond me -unless it was to get back at me for breaking us up in the first place.
I also could not handle seeing the posts that she was leaving on his Facebook. I never wrote on his wall because I didn't want to embarrass him, yet here she was blathering on about listening to the music he sent her. Music I bought for him, by the way. She posted on what was our three year anniversary. And I lost my sh*t.
I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, my computer, and every friend that we had in common on FB - including our children - removed. I closed down my blog, eradicated email accounts that we held jointly, and then wrote my resignation letter. (I later had to trash that version...)
I have never felt so immature and desperate and icky and gross and yucky in my life. I felt like Glenn Close setting out to boil the bunny.
I have yet to have any contact with him...and I am worried what state he will catch me in. Will I be reasonable and mature? Or will I be three and tantum filled? Will I rage and cry and beg and sob?
I think he should have to make an appointment to talk to me from here on out.
How about next 5th thursday of the 5th quarter?
3 comments:
It's hard to find space and perspective in these situations. Sadly I have never been able to do anything but feel bad for a bit. I do think that when you are coming out of intense relationships you need space and peace and I guess I would try and set that up for myself. As to how to handle any near time contacts, I guess I would be distant and exquisitely polite. I wouldn't respond to any bait and would try and treat the person as if I were interacting with them in a very public forum.
UGH. Wasn't life simpler before FB? (I believe there's a way to permanently block a specific person, so that you don't show up on a search).
I, too, would try to have zero contact. You're tough, resilient and beautiful...you will get through this, my friend.
All good advice.
Seeing mail like that must have been torture.
Good luck on the job front.
You will battle through this and you've got half of your life left yet. Why can't what's ahead be at least as good as if not better than what's come before?
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