Houston, we have a...ummm...an issue.

Honestly, I just want to be healthy. I want to be sane and to have productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. Plus I want a soul mate and for someone to think that I am amazing. I also want a new Ford Edge. Used will be fine, also. Plus a gift certificate to a particular Castle Rock Boutique where there is the CUTEST little black dress that screaaams my name. 


Never mind my wish list - let's go back to being healthy and having productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings. 


I have been struggling with whether or not I am doing the right thing by going back to D and performing all of the gf/office manager duties and thrills with only the office manager title. 


My gut (and my dad. and my mom.) says no.


So I decided to go look for a label to put on this little dance I am doing. I, of course, Googled my symptoms. Google is frightfully wonderful.


 It labeled me within three seconds: Codependent Relationship Addict. 


(Omfg)


Now, don't worry, I know that it's easy to diagnose and to assume all of the symptoms of whatever you are reading about - such as what second year med students experience. Or what I went through during Psych 101 when I wondered if I, too, was schizophrenic. ( I'm not. Neither am I.)


I am bringing one professional's symptom list to the board, and we can go through them together.


They are as follows:

• Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (ummm...no. Not so much. I tried dating this summer, and if you remember, that didn't turn out well for me. For evidence I submit that I am blogging on a Saturday night whilst D is in KS.)

• An inability or difficulty in being alone  (But I am getting better...)

• Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable (I dunno if I do this or not. I know that the last three men who intrigued me were all off limits to me, and D does indeed seem to be emotionally unavailable. So yes?) 

• Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner (Not on purpose. I am not the one instigating now that I am not the GF...but I don't say no before I become the overly eager partner in crime)

• Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions (guilty)

• Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship (Ohhhh yeah. Blown off lotsa friends, family - even a ten year class reunion - just to be with him)

• When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone (yes)

• Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem". (Well, I tried to avoid him for awhile...that didn't turn out well. However, I don't think this applies.)

• An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others  (If we are deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship, than yes, I guess so - but I do have very clear boundaries of what I will tolerate. And this relationship is not abusive. Just painful.) 

• Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others (Yes, this seems to be tied in with the previous statement)

• Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love (I don't equate sex with love, but I sure do feel loved when the romance is intense!)

• Attempting to meld identity with partner - making their world yours (yes...yes.*sigh*)

• Being satisfied with goals that partner has reached, foregoing or abandoning own. (For pete's sake - this one startled me. Yes.)

My score is 9/12. Those aren't great odds.

I wonder why Drinking one more beer to quiet the head so you will stop obsessing about why he isn't texting you back isn't on the list.

Blustering

Johnny's Farm
Originally uploaded by tielji

I am hoping that since I used the "Blog It" feature on my Flickr Share button, the picture will turn out clean and sharp. A few times I have been disappointed with the end quality. I am crossing my fingers...

So. What's been going on with you? How was your Thanksgiving? Are you getting ready for the Big Show AKA Christmas?

Things here are odd. I don't know what to call my relationship status, I am still unemployed, and my head is still a bit too noisy for my comfort.

But all in all, I am still a very blessed girl.

I am dreading Christmas, though, and that makes me sad. Dec 27 seems to be a much more preferred day - the pressure of providing a memorable Christmas with all of it's trappings is over, but the excitement of celebrating NYE is still in the anticipatory stage.

*Noisy Head Alert* I hope that I won't be spending NYE alone this year.

Or if I DO end up spending it alone, that I have a nice supply of cabernet, cheese and crackers.
:)

Idealism down, Idealism down

I really should have a breathalyzer for my blog. I should have to prove that I am in my right head and of sound mind before I can operate the key board.

That last post? Criminy. Yes, those things are true. Should I have made them a permanent fixture of my blogging record? No. Was there fallout across the board - from friends, family and even people I have never met (but hoped to meet in the future!)? Yes, oh yes there was.

It is what it is.

I am indeed safely ensconced in D's arms this week - fully vulnerable and emotionally naked.

The risk is huge. I cannot survive another recurrence of the previous months' heartache. I can't. 

But on the other hand, don't we all take huge risks when we are truly involved with someone? How far did I really get playing it safe all of the time? How huge will the payoff be if I am making the right choice? How rewarding will it be to give all of me and not be worried so much about keeping things congruent? 

I think my idealism has taken a fatal hit right in the gut.

Sometimes things don't turn out the way I think they should. Sometimes they turn out so much better.

Trails of Bread Crumbs

I am steeped in others' blogs right now. I think I have read about 22 from beginning to end. Some of them are really long, too!

Some of them are inspiring and educational- but then I go and ruin the feelings that they leave me with by reading tomes of sadness and heartbreak and depression and overindulgence - everything that I am trying to escape.

To be honest though, it is nice to identify with other souls. I just don't think it is always very healthy.  With some, it feels like wallowing.

I am going to put the internet on hold tonight and tomorrow - the only things that will be read by me are going to be books that I can hold in my hand. Physical books without links for me to follow like a lost Gretel headed straight for the Witch's Oven.

I am clearly on the wrong trail.

Blue and other variations

I finally opened up my blinds. Good thing, too. It is beautiful outside!

The fall colors, the blue sky (I should find a descriptive word for the color other than blue - but I don't want to), the way the sunshine is slanting this time of year - it really shouldn't be missed.

This time of year is when the majority of my biggest events happened. I was married, my grandmother AND great grandmother died, my mother moved far, far away,  we lost a child, I was divorced, all three of my accidents were in October, and I met D. Not a very good month for me, I guess. Ha!

But it's gonna be okay.

As soon as I crawled out of bed for the first time in two days and opened up the blinds, I became very aware of some of the answers as to why things are the way they are.

And once you know why things are going wrong, you have a chance to right yourself.  

I don't have any goals, or real dreams. I just take every day as it comes. Mourning those days that don't turn out to be spectacular and being a kid in a candy store when they do. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing - but it sure doesn't give you an anchor to reality when you need one.

I need an anchor. Right now.

I want next October to be the one where I look back and say " Hey - look what I accomplished this year! Isn't that awesome?".

(Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it unique to just me?)

Perfect

Well, I guess I did ask the Universe to help me get my mind off of Darin and our break-up and all of the subsequent events.

I was laid off today. Maybe I was fired. I am not sure. I prefer laid off.

Two times in one year?

Ugh.

And yes, I did txt Darin to tell him...he called immediately...but had nothing to say that made anything better or worse, and to tell you the truth, I am okay with that.

He is all of a sudden the least of my problems.

Just like I asked for things to be.

Little girls, Little girls

My daughter is a senior this year. I am not sure what to do with that. It's a fact that my head refuses to recognize because in my eyes - she is still my baby!

So beautiful. So smart. So amazing. I am proud beyond measure.

She doesn't like me to speak of it, but it was just two and a half years ago that she was txting her dad from Disneyland, telling him that she was going to f'n kill me. ( I actually forgot about this - she reminded me, all the while asking me to forget about it. Crazy kid.)

Her heart is so very pure...so kind. God blessed/cursed her with a ministry to strays. Not animals - people. Stray people flock to her just to be near.

I know exactly how they feel.

Get your daytimer, Annie

It's my first day of truly being by myself. I had to stop from begging my ex to let me have the kids just a bit longer...just until I can get on my feet. But I am afraid that I don't know when that is coming!

Plus, I didn't want him to feel smug about me being alone and in pain. Thank God for pride.

Am on the job hunt now that I am no longer employed by the boyfriend. I just could not stand a minute more of watching his emails roll in - some from other women, some advice from friends on how to handle his new singlehood...gah! Why he left his email attached to our work accounts is beyond me -unless it was to get back at me for breaking us up in the first place.

I also could not handle seeing the posts that she was leaving on his Facebook. I never wrote on his wall because I didn't want to embarrass him, yet here she was blathering on about listening to the music he sent her. Music I bought for him, by the way. She posted on what was our three year anniversary. And I lost my sh*t.

I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, my computer, and every friend that we had in common on FB - including our children - removed. I closed down my blog, eradicated email accounts that we held jointly, and then wrote my resignation letter. (I later had to trash that version...)

I have never felt so immature and desperate and icky and gross and yucky in my life. I felt like Glenn Close setting out to boil the bunny.

I have yet to have any contact with him...and I am worried what state he will catch me in. Will I be reasonable and mature? Or will I be three and tantum filled? Will I rage and cry and beg and sob?

I think he should have to make an appointment to talk to me from here on out.

How about next 5th thursday of the 5th quarter?

Now What?

Some of you don't know this, but I also write Reversible Errors. Not that it should matter to you....but it might explain the gap in my entries here in QxQ. ( I just totally made up that abbreviation - I LOVE IT!)

I am hiding for a few days. Licking my wounds. Trying to make sense of everything in my world. Deciding how I want to show up and who I want to be. No easy task...and I am already a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight I am going to concentrate on asking how OTHER people are. A friend of mine suggested it as a helpful way to get over myself.

I really need to get over myself.

How are you?

OMG WTF?

...and I am done with it. I think I overdosed on my own drama and made myself sick.


Nobody is worth that.


I don't want to think about it, talk about it, or cry about it anymore.


Let's go have a drink.

I Understand

I say "I understand" or "I get that" a lot. I try to make sure I know where the other person is coming from.


But I really get it this time.


Now I understand why people take too many pills, or leave the car running in the garage, or slit their wrists when they are in emotonial pain.


It's to make it just stop...stop for just one second even...


I understand. I can't take even one second more. Please make it stop.

Copper and Gray

It is here - finally - the day that I leave to go see my mom in NH!

The last time I went to visit my mom by myself  ('07) ended very painfully...she was so disturbed by my apparent lack of presence in my own life that she felt like she needed to set me straight. It was horrific. For us both. It was doubly painful to be served with divorce papers as soon as I got home. Especially because I didn't feel like I could turn to either of my parents for support because I erroneously felt that I had let them down too much already. 



...so glad to have us all in a different space now. 


It will also be a bit challenging to go knowing that the last time I was there was with Darin - taking someone you love home with you gives everything a different flavor when you return by yourself. 

Perhaps that is why he didn't take me to HIS home but very rarely. Maybe. Who knows? I guess it doesn't matter much anymore, huh? 


Anyway. 

Labor Day Weekend! Wowwww...what a great time! The kids and I went and stayed at a lake house with a large family and all of their friends. There was boating and tubing and fire pits and cajun boils and kegs and bonfires and smores and skinny dipping (not by me or mine!) and dancing and laughing and napping in the sun and golf cart racing and midnight walks on the beach ... I could not have dreamed up a better vacation.  


I spent my time hanging with the "Lost Boys of Summer" (so dubbed by me as they were all in their early to mid thirties but were still partying on their parents dime like they were in high school) and thoroughly enjoyed myself - especially because I was the only girl amongst them. They were, every one of them, a gentleman - and exactly what I needed. I came away feeling so full of life and...well...beautiful! I haven't felt beautiful in a very long time. I hadn't even realized it until the void was filled. Filled without even exchanging a single kiss or touch. Amazing. 

I am so thankful to have been able to experience that time, and also to have had my children present - what great memories for all of us. 

How did YOU spend your weekend?

Hainke Painke

I have started dating again. 

It is strange to date when you still love another. It, in fact, feels like you are cheating. 

It is even stranger to have to tell the one you love that you are going out with another man. 

To his credit, he said he was jealous - which was very confusing to me! I never considered that to be a possibility! Reeling, I made the mistake of responding that I wished it was him and I going instead. It took me a few minutes to realize that I didn't really mean that...

I really have to stop saying those kinds of things.

My first date (Sunday Man) pulled up in an old beat up jalopy ... with a door that had to be opened from the inside only. He was fun, but not enough for me to overlook his 39 years of backwards upbringing. I requested a return trip home due to an early morning at work. 

My second date (Thursday Man) turned out to be a little easier to manage as I had become smarter over the previous three days and learned to arrange a meeting place. He was a full decade older than me, very nice, handsome for an older man - and totally uninteresting to me. I felt very mean as he hugged me goodbye and asked for a second date. I knew there would not be another. And I did not say so. 

My third date (Friday Man) I also met on location - although on the way there, I was followed by a car that housed a man that vaguely fit my date's description. But not in a good way. I prayed so hard that it was NOT my date - and breathed a sigh of relief when he turned left and I turned right. My date turned out to be pleasant, handsome, well educated, well traveled, interesting - and a long-winded braggart. I truly did not get to say four words in about 3 hours while I listened to scores of anecdotes relating to his travel, his riches, his possessions...and then to top it all off, he took me up on my offer to pay half for our meal! Ha! When he hugged me goodbye, he assured me that he would be in touch. I am not sure I will be reachable...we will see.

My fourth date (Saturday Man) was the one I was really looking forward to. A manicure and pedicure, a new pair of shoes, and a new flush in my cheeks meant that we were to have a great evening! I had talked to him a few times on the phone, and enjoyed his repartee tremendously. The only red flag that I could see was his sudden and deep penetration into my social media life...he knew my personal email addresses, found my facebook page, my blog - it just felt a bit strange. As the time approached for me to leave to meet him in Denver, I received an odd text: " Looking forward to seeing you - don't come too late." To which I queried playfully what exactly too late would be. As texts went back and forth a few more times it became clear that he and I had different ideas of what our date was going to look like, and he was frustrated. And then - he stopped responding all together when I asked if maybe we shouldn't call the whole thing off! Twice I texted, twice I called, and then, remembering what D used to say about giving the non-responding party the benefit of the doubt (noone can be on their phones as much as I need them to be!), I kept our arrangement plans and assured myself that there would be a good explanation.

There wasn't. 

There was, however, an email that arrived on my phone an hour later. The part that stands out the most to me: "I am sorry that you came to Denver - you shouldn't have. If I had wanted you to, I would have called you back."

I am so very blessed that my God looks out for me. I am so grateful that this guy showed his character so early. I had no idea that I was dealing with that kind of personality. 


I did respond, though...just a short note, letting him know that I was glad that it wasn't because something horrible happened and that had kept him from answering his phone. (I honestly thought maybe his ailing dog had suffered an episode, as that is what he had been dealing with all week.)


His response? "Are you being sarcastic? I didn't know that Christian Republicans were smart enough for that?"


After my friends and I laughed at his ridiculousness, I privately took great pleasure in the fact that I held myself back from retorting that maybe we weren't smart enough for sarcasm, but we sure as HELL know that you don't end a statement with a question mark.

D never told me that dating was this...this...weird. I hope it gets better.

Sellur's Market

I have been doing crazy things to my phone lately. It is almost as if it senses my imbalance and translates all of my negative energy into random internal commands. 

For two weeks I tried unsuccessfully to reach my mother. I was so desperate to talk to her, so needy, and so distraught that my poor little phone freaked out. Twice, instead of calling my mom, it called D's mom! Very awkward...especially when sobbing. Three times it disconnected as soon as someone answered on the other end. One time it just refused to dial the number at all. (Are phones allowed to be that disobedient??) Finally, my mom called ME. 

And as soon as I heard her voice the tears started. 

Now, I don't get to talk to my mother a whole lot - I would like to say that we are the kind of family that calls each other once or twice a day or even a week - but the truth is, we aren't. I have gone for months without talking to my mom or dad. (Determined to change that, by the way...) So I am sure that it was a bit bewildering to have me launch into a full blown sob with sniffles and garbled words. Like a trooper, she listened until I was all done, asked a few pertinent questions, and did the only right thing to do in such a situation: she went online and procured a plane ticket for her crazy daughter to come visit her little piece of heaven in NH. 

I am going to see my mom in early Sept. YAY! :) 


Let's all say it together one. More. Time -  It's going to be okay. 


...right?

Stupid Girl

That's right. I said it.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, stupid girl.

I didn't make it over the last hurdle without falling flat on my face. The skinned elbows and knees pale in comparison to the gouges I caused on the inside.

You know, I wanted to break up because I didn't want either one of us to settle for less.

Instead, I became worse than less. I became the proverbial "booty call". 

Willingly. Over and over.

I am so ashamed. 

I am not as healthy now as I was even three years ago. 

I am less respectable today than I was three years ago, too.

...stupid girl.

Mercurial

 Do you ever feel like one of those roulette wheels? Like someone just grabbed hold of a peg on your emotions and gave a hard spin?

I went to bed last night in a very resolute mood - a wise, no nonsense, almost hardened spirit in me for sure. I woke up with the desire to bring sacredness in to our home throughout our day. I have since digressed into a bit of chaos and muddled thoughts, tinged with a bit of panic.

I am committed to using the practice of mindfulness to be aware of where I am and how my thought life is affecting my actions and the persona that I am portraying. But, good grief - who knew how much I think?? And who knew how much of those thoughts are just me translating others' actions, writing stories about who they are in relation to me? It is a bit exhausting to say the least!

In other news - I get to have "super week" (dubbed so by my youngest because it is one week plus an extra three days) with my kids. It is also the first week of school. Seeing how I missed it last year because it wasn't MY week, I am thrilled and feeling doubly blessed because it is Taylor's senior year. What a huge milestone.

I am so excited in fact that I am trading my Pool Time for more School Supply and Clothes Shopping. Now, that's a big deal!

Before I go, I want to ask you one thing: How do YOU bring sacredness into your everyday activities? What is one way you perform ritual in honoring yourself and your home?

Emergence

Emergence
Originally uploaded by tielji

What an unusual day. What a fantastical, magical, unusual and wonderful day.

Everything is just as it should be. I am overwhelmed by a profound sense of gratitude. Not sure how long it will last or how the intensity can sustain itself, but ohmygawd, I will take it!

My neighbor next door is a shaman of sorts. Maybe not a shaman - but definitely a strong woman of medicine and spirit. Her knowledge of herbs, meditation, spiritual access, reflexology and physical/emotional relations is astounding. I am in awe of her - and sometimes intimidated.

But not yesterday. Yesterday, my neighbor took me in to her home. She brought me into a room of muted purples and greens with soft music and fabrics and smells and a carefully prepared environment for ministering to my body. My poor, sad, ravaged and heart broken body.

As I climbed under the sheet on the table, feeling uncharacteristically comfortable with being naked, I marveled at the level of vulnerability that I was willing to achieve just to feel anything differently than how I have been feeling.

Before she even laid her hands on me, I started to weep. Silent tears streaming down both sides of my head, dampening the the hair at my temples and the lilac sheet I rested on. Searching for words to explain the tears (in case I needed to explain), I realized that these were not tears of pain or loneliness or heartbreak. These were tears of gratitude. Gratitude for the kindness I was being shown. Gratitude that I was safe and being cared for. Gratitude that I am going to be okay...

She massaged and kneaded and coaxed the muscles in my body for over two hours. Lingering on those places that seemed to want to hold on to hurt. Persistent with those areas that tried to hide the poisons that want to infiltrate the quiet places of the heart and mind.

It was wonderful.

She called me last night to check on me - sometimes breaking all of that loose can cause severe reactions in a person. But it seems that she took the brunt of it, as I had a wonderful and productive evening, and she ended up taking a three hour nap that left her disoriented and shook up upon awakening. Somehow, she took all of my "yuckiness"...

I don't know how all of that works, but she assures me that it happened just the way it is supposed to. This is her ministry. This is her gift. To me.

I feel like a brand new person. And I am so VERY grateful. :)

Big Sunglasses and Waterproof Mascara

So. Beginning of August, ah? Wow. Time seems to be speeding up as I get older...seems unfair! The kids are registered for school, my lawn is starting to green up again after the brutal heat of July, and I am doing things during the day other than floating around in the pool for relief. I better pay attention or the next post will be about how I am shoveling snow off of my front porch!

Things are getting easier...better...clearer. I am not struggling to breathe anymore, and honestly, I am saddened to know that some people live with that overdose of adrenaline every day. I can't even imagine. That pit in the belly, that clenching of the guts, that winded feeling from just a thought - what a killer. I read somewhere that our minds grant us the gift of amnesia when our hearts are broken so that we are willing to take a chance on love again in the future, to risk going through all of that dreadfulness.

 I am not there yet.

Just to be very clear - D did nothing to break my heart. There was just something missing inside of him - or a wall that needed some dynamite - and it kept him from being able to create a future with me. He was always a great boyfriend, and he kept me safe from myself when I was so destructive (especially after my divorce), and I am so very grateful to have had him while it was our time. And now it isn't our time anymore.

My next big hurdle will be to figure out how to keep us from landing in bed together - in that tangled, delicious heap of frenzy - every time I see him...

One Week Long

We had some exciting new changes in our house this week. Taylor got her permit & a grown up bank account of her very own. She also is working as a hostess at my place, so I have had the privilege of seeing her many, many times even during the week that they weren't "mine". 

...and it appears that, as of tonight, I will have them ALL of the time. Things broke bad at their dad's house - really bad. His reaction? He packed them up and brought them to my house. And dumped them with all of their belongings on my front lawn. My kids look like little refugees with their confused faces and tear stains down their cheeks.

Fortunately for us all, I was in town. And sober. 

So here we all are - broken and sad and clinging to each other, mourning the way things used to be. 

I know that they need me to be very strong and be their safe place to land (and I will be!), but honestly, I am a wreck. I tried very hard this week to play and keep my mind off of missing D - but there just isn't enough alcohol in the world to make the pain stop. And the only way that I can keep my anxiety level at a manageable state is to call him and hear his voice (I am still working in his office, so there is a reason most of the time), but I can't keep doing that forever.  

I know that broken hearts heal and that we will both be just fine, but my body doesn't seem to understand that. And my brain is making up all sorts of fantastic stories about what he is doing now and who he is doing it with, blahblahblah.  And boy am I creative. Ugh. 


I think the most amazing thing is that I am a completely different person than I was one week and one day ago. 


God, please make week 2 turn me into a princess again, and send some extra magic for my children. 

They are also different people than they were a week ago...

Happiness is a Flotation Device

The Egger Fence
Originally uploaded by tielji

I have had a pool for the kids (I don't know why we call it Mommy's Pool) every summer since 2001. It's a ritual. Gathering up the kids for the Pool Gathering Expedition, hoping we aren't too late in the season to get the one we like the best (the kind that you just put water in and it rises by itself, but it's big enough to float two rafts in at the same time), reminding each other what toys we need to replace from last year, and of course, getting ice cream on the way home - it's the way we signify that summer is here.

The last couple of years were pretty rough on my Pool Time. (That's the time between 11 and 1 when I just float around and around and around on my green raft, doing nothing but listening to the neighborhood and daydreaming.) I was able to fit in a few weekend days...but not more than that. Workworkwork kept getting in the way. The kids enjoyed it, though, because mommy couldn't hog the water and ruin Pool Games.

This year it is a much different scenario. I work when it's NOT Pool Time. I tell you, it makes all the difference in being a Happy Terri...and not. Ha!

The only people not as happy as Happy Terri during Pool Time is, of course, the kids.

But, they are bigger than me this year and for some reason making me share. Boo.