Detour

You know, I come here a lot. I have more drafts saved than actual entries it seems...

...so many raw little bits of half baked thoughts. Of hopes that are irrational and rationale that is nothing more than just hope.

And I guess that is okay.

Time for me to make this official - to say it out loud so that the universe hears it and starts to help me put things on a good and correct path:

in 71 days I will be single. I will no longer be Mrs. Jerry. I will be divorced. A single, middle-aged mother of three. I have lost the battle to save this marriage.

And that is okay, too.

Please don't ask me why...but as soon as my brain accepted that this time it is for real, and not just another huge attention seeking stunt complete with traditional emotional manipulation for flavor, my whole chemistry changed.

I don't feel flighty anymore...nor do I feel crazy. I don't feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a box. I do feel hopeful, and much lighter...so much lighter. I have no idea what that says about me. Not as a wife, not as a mother, and certainly not as a person. Have I been fighting all this time to be miserable? Pouring good emotion after bad emotion....like trying to restore a home that needs to be condemned and razed.

I am so proud of him. SO proud. He did would I could never do...and he took my wrath, my emotional violence like a champ. He did not waver. Even now, while everything is even and level and in some ways, a bit sweet - he remains resolute. There are times that I panic and think he will change his mind, because then I will be the one who has to make this happen! But so far, so good.

The thing that hurts the most? I know that I have lost all value to him in the present. But I am devastated that I may have destroyed any value I had to him in the past. I just want to be remembered fondly.

Funny...the things that stand out in my mind as the most important...

...that is me...always focusing on the wrong point. Perhaps I am only distracting myself for self preservation's sake.

Let's get this show on the road.

Milestones

I was able to see so many of my old crew the last couple of weeks. Between graduations and bachelorette parties and weddings, I swear, it was like things had never changed. But they have. Two of my friends got married, two graduated, one moved across the country, and three more are getting ready to do the same.

The part that makes me sad? These are the last of my "kids"...I am not raising a new generation of Kenny's Girls. My Mama T status does not extend to the hospital - nor will any of my new staff be growing and launching into varied careers with unlimited status. My new staff is already doing what they will be doing for the rest of their lives. Except for my Starbucks girls, of course - this is the only time you will hear me say, "Thank Gawd for the Coffee Corner!".

Tonight is a meet 'n greet and concert with Flyleaf/Sick Puppy/Resident Hero and Kill Hannah - I am so excited! I am going to try and get the OMG camera in...wish me luck. I wish Jessa was here. I have never gone to a Flyleaf show without her.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

Fighting for the Surface

I am drowning.

Not in anything tangible. Not in anything reasonable. Not in anything I can be rescued from. Not in anything I can give a name to. Not in anything I can rail and curse at. Not in anything I can describe and therefore diagnose. Not in anything that my loved ones can shake their heads and say "Ahhh...yes..." to. Not in anything that I saw coming. Not in anything I can see going.

I am just drowning.

Flying Under the Radar

I am a little confused. I spent this weekend with MyGuy - the whole weekend. And nothing bad happened. What an extraordinary experience!

He did such an excellent job being my running buddy. Friday he made me dinner and watched a movie with me because I got home from work too late to do anything else of fun value. Saturday he threw me up on the bike and we went riding all over the countryside - and even to a little get together of my old crew. And then he brought me home and fed me beer. That was nice. Sunday, Mothers Day, was filled with flowers and gifts and family - probably the best Mothers Day that I have ever celebrated.

I think the biggest reason why I am confused is that I had given up on this relationship being fun or fulfilling, and my heart thought it knew what it wanted. Only - I got a taste of the other that I thought I wanted - and it did not bring me the joy or satisfaction that I imagined it would. And it certainly wouldn't bring me the safety (as boring as that is) that I am blessed with.

Which brings about the question: Why can't I make my spirit calm down and enjoy what I have for a more extended bout? Hmmm.

Going to see Rocco De Luca and the Burden tonight at the Ogden - I am so excited! They will be playing with Keane (whom I don't care about) and a local Denver band will be opening. I am pretty sure it will be the Concert Camera that is flying tonight - the Ogden won't let me have fun there with the OMG Camera. And since it is a weeknight, I will NOT be traveling HWY 85 after midnight. Three speeding tickets in one year would definitely do some damage to my ratings.

Have a great day, all!
;)t

C is for Control. Issues.

It was never a serious contemplation on my part, just a family joke. Mom has control issues, hahaha...humor her and she will be fine! Yeah- well I guess the joke is on me - and really not all that funny.

It all started becoming glaringly apparent last night at my daughter's award ceremony. A fantastic accomplishment on her part for sure, but for some reason I could not get into the happy, proud mommy mood. The child's phone was blinging with text messages even after I told her to turn it off, and when she was speaking to her friends and their parents her voice was two pitches higher than normal and two levels louder, and her diction sounded something very akin to baby talk - something that occurs when she spends too much time with other giggly teenage girls. Not only that, but she had settled the top half of her torso back so that it looked like she was leading her whole body with her pelvis - I know it is because she is a foot taller than her friends, but it drives me nuts, and normally she is proud to be as tall as she is. Needless to say, I came off mean, frumpy and grumpy as I tried to modify all of these things at once. Mean mommy.

Then there was my husband who was driving me NUTS! As we stood in line for afterprogramcookies he lost his mind and said to me,"If you love me you will just grab me one." WHAT?! If I love you? For some reason that really struck me as odd and manipulative. And then he did this move that raises my blood pressure - this move consists of him turning his head to the side and winking at me while baring his teeth in what is supposed to be a coercive smile while he gives me a sarcastic thumbs up. When he does that I want to smack him. Hard. Right in the head. And then rip that thumb off.

It ruined my whole night. I could not enjoy either one of them because their actions were so irritating and I couldn't make them STOP! I did, however, enjoy my boys - I can still control them it seems.

I am off to find out what psychological indicators belong to the mean, controlling mommy. When I look at this logically I understand that I will be perfectly happy when my happiness is not affected by other people's actions.

Or hand motions.

Growing Pains

my friend cpababe from the Q and I


I am not a fan of growing. I am not a fan of change. I would prefer that everything remain the same once I get all of the details nailed down just where I want them. I arrange everything to suit me - really, I do. It is the most selfish thing ever. And then people move around. Situations are fluid. Things change. Time marches on. UGH.

Although I am always on the lookout for painful change and it doesn't (always) take me by surprise, it doesn't hurt any less when it comes around.

Don't get me wrong - there are changes that are miraculous and life altering in a good way! Even those good ones I seem to resist. That would be a great behavior to disect and diagnose, don't you think?

I am setting some goals today. I am taking some time to identify those things in my life that I want to expound upon and nurture. I am setting up some sort of a road map.

...and I will have to provide alternative routes for these times when everything goes differently than how I expect.

Because, yes, you know you were thinking it - change is inevitable.

The Last Party

You all know my little running buddy - the girl who goes to shows and on road trips and random shopping forays with me just because I needed to get out of the house, who gets piercings and tatoos (okay - she didn't get a tatoo) with me just because I was feeling antsy, who can drink me under the table but takes turns with me so that one of us is always sober and able to take care of the other? Yeah, well, that girl is having a milestone today.

She is graduating from college. She is amazing. I can hardly remember what it felt like to have my whole adult life ahead of me...and here she goes into it with everything already set. Schools brawling over her to come teach there, contracts and incentive packages, the passion to make it all worth something in the end - and her general fantastic self, to boot. I am very proud.

And a little sad. She is growing up, and I am regressing - and I think we just passed each other.

I love you, Nela Girl. Congratulations!!!

Small Child Chattering

Concert season is winding up again...not that there weren't any great ones this winter. One really fun one was Agent Sparks/Halifax/Hoobastank. (the pic is Halifax - I love that picture!) Nights like that - the friendship, the atmosphere, the ambiance and crazy circumstances - are difficult to top or even come close to recreating. But I am going to give it my very best shot in the next couple of months! HA!

As I was going through my email this morning, I was listening to my children interact with each other. "I love my teacher," the middlest son tells the youngest. "Your teacher is a camel," the youngest tells the middlest. Which makes the middlest cry. And then come running to me. "IS your teacher a camel?" I ask the child. "No...." he sobs. "Then don't WORRY about what your brother says!" I wisely intone. And then shoot the youngest a dirty look while adding, "Don't call your brother's teacher a camel."

Nobody told me I would be saying things like this when I was 37. I think I should have had some sort of warning. Or training. Or pharmaceuticals.

Have a great day all!
;)t

Roller Coasters Also Go Up

Good Tuesday Morning, all! 'Tis gonna be a great day...I can feel it.

Which is a strange and unfamiliar feeling. My last few months have consisted of doom and gloom and blackness. Why is that, do you think? I wonder if I am just predisposed to going through periods of darkness...and I am wondering if maybe EVERYone does the same thing, and it is just fine? Wouldn't that be crazy? To go through my entire life trying to stop a cycle that is the norm, thinking that there must be something terribly wrong with me?

Well, whatever. I am not going to waste the good part of the roller coaster trying to figure out the bad part.

Tomorrow I celebrate 100 days smokefree. In Q-Speak, this makes me an Elder. I cannot describe how excited I am about this milestone. It is a lot of fun to celebrate these days with my pals from the Qnet- a bunch of us met in Denver on Saturday, went to the Rockies Game and bar hopping afterwards. Kind of makes it hard to celebrate the next milestone even bigger when we have that much fun...but yeah, okay, I will try. :)

Have a great day, all...
;)t

Please pass the soap

terri took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Well, I took it again. And as ever, it has me pegged.

By the way, folks, I am not creating anything on any level of my life. I can't even write checks right now. (that was a joke) Mostly, I am just trying to get through the next few minutes without screwing up myself or anyone else.

9 weeks no smokes - I know, huh? It hasn't been hard, but it has to get better than it is right now.

Spring...come bring those rains that cause everything to grow and turn green...rain on my heart and wash away all of the grey and yucky of the past year. I want to be clean.

I guess that is it in a nutshell. I want to be clean.

These are a few of my favorite things...

(what it looks like when you are in the way on stage)

I felt Spring in the air today, and it made me want to Spring Clean! No, I didn't actually DO anything of that nature, but I did scrub a few things down. And while I did my scrubbing, I got out some of my old stuff...when did Bush become old stuff? Isn't that sad? And then I played some Korn. Who had to be monitored for volume whenever I heard my kids scampering near...

We are trying to do more family things here in the H home...we have gone out for Sunday dinner three Sundays in a row! The best part is: There have been no Cold Wars or Fire of Hell Battles during our outings. It is a small victory to report back to the marriage counselor.

Yeah...still going to the marriage counselor. She likes me. But I think she likes Jerry more. I can't fault her on her good taste, but I would like to have her in MY corner. Now you can see the kind of reasoning that landed me in marriage counseling to begin with.


Just got me some tix for Rocco de Lucca and the Burden on March 17th. I found them just before Christmas and have been wallering in their music ever since. You must go check 'em out.

Then come the Decemberists! Yeah...check them out, too.

LOL

Q is for Quit

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

(my friends Ricky and Jeff from i69 opening for Slaughter)


So forgive me already. I am doing some fancy self-medicating...but I am NOT smoking. Nope. I am 39 days clean according to my "QuitGadget". A real long ways away from the success of my former quit - and I don't care. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I am not killing myself with smokes today. I prefer to do it with wine, apparently. :)

One of the best things about a Quit? Waking up every day thinking "I wonder what magical thing is going to happen to me today?".

Today it was an email from someone named Jeremy who saw some of my work - and wants me to do some for him and his production company. I am honored, and yet a little embarrassed. I still get nervous that I will let someone down once they get past my bravado and facade.

But it was magical, nonetheless.

The Terri's New Groove

So...I turned 37 last Friday. It definitely wasn't a graceful maturation on any level - physically, emotionally, or physically. In fact, I had just gotten used to being 36. I was finally learning to embrace myself and all of the changes that middle age has brought me. But there was NO room for 37.

In order to break my fall a bit, my friends and I made some plans. Some good plans. But you know how it is with plans. Yeah - they fell through at the last minute. So being me, I made more plans...it was my birthday, dammit!

My friends, F.D.P., were playing down at the Rio Grande so a coworker and I decided to go down and check it out. One birthday shot down, one margarita started, chips and salsa being munched, a steady stream of people I know coming in the door...oh how exciting!!

And that is where it all falls apart.

Someone slipped something into my drink.

I have spent the last week trying to figure out what all I did, said, and who I may have fallen into/puked on/cried at...my imagination has run wild. I could have talked to my coworker who took me and brought me home to my bewildered husband, but I have been too ashamed.

I do have record of most of the night on camera. Gawd, I love my camera.

Last night, I finally asked my friend to come look through the pics with me and to help me figure out a time line because I just have to know what happened.

Turns out, although I have no memory of any of it, we actually all had a pretty good time. The only really embarrassing thing I did in public was fall face first into the band...and they love me, so they weren't mad. I spent the rest of the night going from table to table, talking to my friends, taking pics, dancing, and then at some point I told Whitney that I was going to be ill - which I was. In private. And she took me home.

I wish I would have known that...I wish people didn't put things in other peoples drinks...I wish that I hadn't spent the last week feeling ashamed for something that somebody else did to ME!

We are having a re-birthday weekend this weekend. 37 may have been dreaded, and it may have started out awful...but it is MY 37, and I intend to make it the very best 37 that ever was.

Cobwebs and Dust Bunnies

Please forgive me while I get everything up and running again...I have been away a long time, and things have gotten a little dusty here! Plus I wrecked a few things in my haste to "leave it all behind".

As soon as I get organized and put back together, we will sit down and have a looooong chat. Because I have much to say. Imagine that. :)

And so a new day begins...

I am a firm believer in recreations, revamping, renewing, and a brand new day for everyone. I also believe that when we have fully processed things from our past we should no longer hold those issues close to us - get rid of them. FGS, don't FORGET them, because then we will be forced to repeat the experience.

I loved having you all in my life...you brought me only the greatest of everything. Thank you for your opinions, your advice, and your sharing of common goals and dreams.

I am sure that I will "run into" many of you again another day - but for today, I got's to go!

Much love,

terri

Hooba-who?

So, one of the fantastically fun things I did in my incommunicado state is go to a Hoobastank concert with a coworker.

(this is Halifax in the pic with me...doesn't it look like he is gonna step on my head?)

Agent Sparks played first - a high energy co-ed band, with such great synergy that we were sure the lead singer and guitarist were either married or in love. I offended the drummer by telling him later that he reminded me of Jared Leto. "Because I am short and have dark hair?", he mumbled. Believe me - I understand. At least his band played AND sang all of their own music and did not even once expect the audience to do their vocals for them.

Next up was Halifax - and oh, you must go check them out. I was so proud of the show they put on...it is very difficult to entertain at the Bluebird Theatre on nights that they have the 21 and younger crowd in the balcony. That is their main demographics, fgs! What they end up with is a balcony of crazed fans and then the older crowd up next to the stage. Hence all of the elbow room during the opening band performances. The lead at one point was bemoaning the fact that he could not crowd surf without the minors on the floor to catch him - which I was quick to interject that of course he could jump! I was there to catch him...and while we both knew that I couldn't, he acted like it could be a very real possibility. Then I spent the rest of their set afraid that he was going to jump and I was going to drop him on his head.

(they stood right here while I forced my stupid little concert cam to finally get a shot...)

We had met up with two girls earlier in the night who were Hoobastank guests. They had the swag and the wristbands to prove it. Whitney and I fell right into the lap of good fortune by being nice to them...the rest of the night was a swirl of meeting band members of all three bands and getting VIP passes to hang. Hoobastank put on an amazing show...they hit every single power note, chord and beat - so enjoyable. So much energy and talent. And of course they played the obligatory "The Reason" to the delight of our two new friends. Unfortunately, one of them had gotten so blasted on white zin (who in the h*ll drinks white zin at a show??!!) that I basically carried her like a mannequin for the remainder of the meet and greets backstage. As soon as we talked to everyone we wanted to, I did a very shameful thing. I left drunkard sitting on a chair and out the door we went. I know, I know...you don't have to say a word.

(Hoobastank lead - how can they possibly be so young?)

We continued our night looking for something to eat - after all kitchens in Denver were safely closed of course! Just when we had finally given up, the bodyguard at the last bar/diner we stopped at offered to run and get us food from 7-11. Not only did we dine on the greatest nachos ever known to man, but they also bought our drinks.

( I am not trashed - I just take bad pics sometimes. Really bad.)

The night was perfect...THAT is what a show night is supposed to look like, 30STM!

Time Keeps on Ticking...

Bloggity bloggity blogblogblog...yes, I guess I do need my blog. Sad, isn't it, the ties that bind?:)

I want to start off by saying that, yes, I have been depressed. Not so much that I needed to be admitted anywhere, but enough that it showed up finally in my body. And it is going to be okay - I am going to be a big girl about things and face whatever comes head on.

When my breasts started to grow to monstrous (for me) proportions and then hurt so bad that I couldn't bear to wear anything but tank tops in the 20 degree weather we are having, I started to wonder if there was a problem. Pretty quick on the uptake, huh? When BigJer found a large lump in my left breast, I decided that I had breast cancer. I decided how I would handle chemo and radiation, picked out my fantasy wig, and even had a double mastectomy with total silicone replacements all planned out to a "t". Somewhere along this mind-screw, I decided that I was going to do everything that I have been denying myself but really, really wanted to do before I die.

I planned a road trip. A great big wonderful long road trip. I even cleaned off my credit card. I mapped it out - complete with mileage and google maps. Good thing that I didn't start calling people and letting them know that I was on my way - because I got really sick. Lack of being able to sleep, pain radiating from my gawdawfulhuge breasts, and a temperature flat kicked me on my butt. Although I had an appointment to see my doc at the end of the week for a much needed (ya think?!) check up, I decided to call again to try and schedule an earlier meeting.

Guess what? I am not pregnant. (You all know you were thinking it...and that's okay. So was my doctor.) Know what else? Not really all that crazy either. Turns out I am severely hormonally imbalanced. Yep - going through puberty again in a sense. And you know what else? I have probably been unbalanced for, oh, probably a year and a half now. And my doctor thinks it has been brought about by my stress level. Hmmm.

Puts everything in a neat little box with a ribbon, doesn't it? NOT crazy. Depressed, yes...but with a reason. That is very freeing to me.

So, I put away the credit and gas card, filed away my maps, canceled my imaginary long blonde rock star wig and my imaginary brave smile that I was to wear while battling through chemo. Instead, I will start on progesterone tomorrow. And I will have a mammogram, and perhaps even a nutritional evaluation to make sure that I am doing kind things for me other than racing to and from every show I can get tickets to. And I will cut down on coffee, even if it means that I won't be able to work with the camera until the wee hours of the night.


And I will still do a few things that I want to make sure and get done before I die, because there is no time like the present.

I have missed you! Hope your holiday season was wonderful!
:)t

There she goes...there she goes again...

I have some good news: I am not crazy anymore. Or at least my moments of clarity are lasting much longer.

I have some bad news: I am very depressed. And all of my monkey-like pressing of the levers is not bringing me joy or relief like it used to.

I have this overwhelming urge to dump everything in my life and start all over. A new creation.

I think I will wait this urge out just a bit longer.

Perhaps it is just more crazy in disguise.

Seafoods & Serenades

(my office's inaugural girls' night out)

So, it's Saturday. Saturday. Saturday the 16th. Should I not be jumping up and down with anticipation to go see Dropping Daylight and Monty are I tonight?! Oh yes, I should be. But I am not. They are stuck in Utah...stupid snowstorm. And I am here...stuck in G-Town. The injustice is excruciating. And also? They won't be back this way until February! What?!

Whatever.

Taylor's birthday was awesome - thank you for asking. For some reason she thinks that Red Lobster is a great place to go for a celebration, and it is very difficult to convince her that being in the center of this land mass we call home means that all seafood eaten here must have been frozen at some point. We went to Red Lobster anyway...and had a great time, even with less-than-fresh seafood. It wasn't the service or the atmosphere, and definitely not the food that made it great, rather it was the table next to us.

As we were ordering our dinner Jeremy announced to the server that it was his sister's birthday. Two minutes later, we have a large black man at the head of our table telling us that he has a predicament that he needs our help with. Apparently, he was told by his girlfriend that he could either come sing a song to Taylor or be stuck with the household dishes for one whole week. He begged Taylor to let him serenade her...to which she delightedly agreed. Happy Birthday never sounded sweeter, and the accompanying slight hand movements reminded me of Luther Vandross. So lovely...

When he was done I turned to thank the girlfriend for the wonderful gift, placing my hand on her shoulder to let her know that I was right behind her. The face that turned around to greet mine wore the scariest grin I have ever seen. Teeth missing, blotchy face sores and black spots on her remaining fangs were all I could see of her as I stumbled through my thanks. Wow.

That's when one of her two disheveled children jumped out of his seat to run and put his head between Jer and I's shoulders to add a loud and off key "Chachacha - Charmin ULTRA" to end his future father's song.

If that wasn't enough, the other child wearing pants that had no remaining zipper and a ratty sweatshirt came running alongside the table to say (and I swear to god he said this): "Look what I can do!" and then promptly knocked himself in the forehead with his knee.

I wasn't sure what we were all feeling after their performances. Of course we laughed at their antics...and then we talked about how nice they were for sharing their talents with us. And then we talked about how blessed we are and how it would be so nice to reach out to other families like that one had us. And then we discussed how grateful we are for our health and our nice clothes and great home and awesome family.

They gave a gift to all of us on Taylor's Birthday just by not being afraid to interact with other human beings. By being themselves. By not being ashamed of all of the things working against them...and by celebrating all of the things working for them.

I have so much to learn.