A Bit Myopic...

The Banner Bistro Staff

I can't see without my glasses or my contacts. Oh, I am not blind...I just see fuzz around all objects and I definitely can't read anything, including the clock on my husband's side of the bed. (I am not allowed to have a clock on my side of the bed because I hit snooze before I actually wake up. Makes for bad, late days, that habit.)

Yesterday I practiced my normal routine of showering, lotioning and then preparing to put in my contacts. Only - I couldn't find the lens-holding case ANYwhere. I looked on the floor. Behind the toilet. In the bathroom trash. In all the drawers. Under the sink. Branching out into the living room, I looked under the buffet. The china cabinet. The entertainment armoir. The couch and chair. I begged the children to PLEASE tell mommy if they were just playing a joke and they had my contacts secreted away some place. I tried to bribe the cat ( she likes to steal objects and bat them around into irretrievable places, like under the oven...or J's shoes...ewww) to show me where she put them. I searched the kitchen, my bedroom, I even questioned my sanity (Do I now walk in my sleep and steal my own contacts?), I called my husband at work...they were just nowhere. NOwhere! Which meant I had to wear my glasses to work.

My staff is well aware that when I wear my glasses to work it usually means that I have been out all night, and cannot get my eyeball to accept any foreign objects. They also know that their day will be tense as my grouchiness tends to be all-enveloping. I had a difficult time convincing them that my glasses were not an indication of a stressfull day ahead. Especially because I felt very stressed! WHERE were my contacts?!

Drew suggested I had a poltergiest. I decided that if that were indeed the case, after a call to my eye doctor I would also call a realtor. I don't need a playful ghost stealing my sh*t!

Jerry suggested that the cat knocked them into the toilet, and one of the kids flushed them down. I thought that was quite a long shot. Flushing toilets is not one of the kids' strong points.

Anne just nodded and smiled knowingly and said, "By this time tomorrow, you will have found them and all will be well." That gave me the shivers...she seemed so confident. And spooky.

I resumed the hunt when I got home from work, loudly complaining about my family's obvious lack of concern that I COULD NOT FIND MY CONTACTS! Sighing condescendingly, Jerry told me to recount word for word what I had done the night before. (Regarding my lenses, of course...the children were listening...)

• I finished off my glass of wine.
• poured a little more wine.
• Washed my hands.
• Took out my lenses.
• Put them in their holding case.
• Got out my glasses case - removed my glasses.
• Sipped my wine.
  
• Placed glasses on my face, and put contacts...in...my...glasses....case....ohmygawd.

Yep. Since I had never had a reason to put my spectacles away for the day, I never even opened up the case, and of course, when I ran into the bathroom to check, there were my contacts nestled ohsolovingly in the silk lining where my glasses usually rest.

Anne was right, btw... and that is still spooky.

I am having more wine right now - I might have another funny story to tell you tomorrow if all goes according to preset trending.