8.28.2006

Black Hole Sun, Won't You Come


Tonight I got to talk to TWO of my closest friends in the whole d*mn world. I am funny that way - my dearest friends are people who you can not speak with for days/weeks/months and yet pick up exactly where you left off, and not feel guilty for not communicating enough. I can't do the whole "best friend" thing. Can't even call anyone my "best friend" - it makes me feel obligated and I end up hating them. Not something I like about myself, but it is better to recognize the truth rather than try to change to be someone I am not.

You all know Niel - she's my girl. An old soul who teaches me history and compassion for humanity, yet goes to loudsmashingmoshingfreakshows of concerts with me just 'cause she loves me that much. She doesn't even know the music - just goes because I want to. When she calls to tell me about her day or just to get some Mama T Time she has a way of making me feel like ... like I am needed. Fun. Wise. Loved. Important. Like I still exist...even though I have been gone from my Kenny's Staff for over 8 months now. I am a better wife, mother, friend and employee because I have a Niel in my life.

My other friend Kelli started out as my daycare provider when Taylor was a baby. When Taylor began pre-school, we continued our friendship over the phone. I kid you not, I have seen her maybe 10 times in the last 10 years...and still, I need her so. (Sad part is that she lives 12 miles away...count 'em...12, and I never see her.) Hours upon hours have been spent discussing hopes and dreams and frustrations with husbands (J-Man still calls Kelli when things need translation...she speaks his language and can talk him down from the roof, and likewise, I understand her Guy better than she does.) children, careers, religion, money, past lives and all of their victories and shaming moments, personal and social psychology. We truly have an amazing repertoire - nothing is off limits.

Except me being this crazy.

How can she be older than I am and not understand this ...place...that I am in? How can she not feel the pressure, the growling need, the gnawing to LIVE...to keep moving, to make a difference in our lifetime? What are the words I can use to describe the desperation I feel? She tries to make sense of me, but cannot grasp the concept that I feel like everyone around me is fading away in front of the TV or dying, drowning in their apathy towards life - and taking me with them!

I am at a loss for words. Perhaps it is a word choice itself that is causing the inability to find commiseration.

Or perhaps I am crazy in an original, new and undocumented way.

Nah. ;)

6 comments:

Just Jock said...

You need to come over to the dark side...of crazy. There are a lot of us here. Indigo is the high priestess.

You remember that scene in "Lost Boys" where baby Keifer was encouraging Michael (Jason Patric) to let go and jump into the unknown? That's how I felt...before I embraced crazy. Just hanging around on some precipice...waiting...for what? I had no idea.

You'd be surprsed how empowering "crazy" can be. Of course, my definition of crazy may be different than most, but..."Come on, be one of us."

Niel said...

Oh Mama T...I think that you may need to consider that life is meant for crazy living, and without the confusion and chaos of everyday existance we'd be so bored/boring we'd lose our freakin' minds. I think that somewhere between loving your family and them driving you mad, working as an amazing manager responsible for an entire bistro and later going to hard core rock and/or hippie concerts depending on the night, and being able to befriend anyone in the entire planet while still being plauged by those same "I-need-people-to-like-me-and-need-me" insecurities that we both can't seem to live without, you have failed to see the incredible balance that it all takes when looked at in the bigger scope of things. You are amazing and beautiful and my closet confidant/giggle buddy/band groupie and a true blessing to those of us you grace with your time and wisdom. You're not crazy T...You are just truly ALIVE and living every minute and emotion of it...I love you....

terri said...

Jock: I am coming! (will there be any ceremonies involving blood? I get a bit woooooozie....)
;)t

My Niel: LOL! No wonder I love you so - somehow I have blinded you! Let's just keep it that way...
;)t

Lyssard said...

Maybe if you feel you are that crazy you should take another look at that Bi Polar survey J gave you! Ha! Just kidding! You wouldn't be Mama (Gma) T if you weren't this crazy! :)

terri said...

MissLyss: LOL! Funny thing is - HE took the survey himself, and went to his doctor for medication! Who says mass marketing is overrated? ;)
(gma t my a**!)

Quindigo said...

How very weird - I had a fight with Jock tonight because he called me crazy, like it was a bad thing. Hmmph!

I think your problem is that you have an old, old soul stuck in a hot little body and it causes much confusion. ;)