Undesireable Baggage

Oh. My. God.

What a terrible mess this all is...I have definitely taken my tornado tendencies to new porportions and really jacked my life all up.

Honestly! I am so out of control at this point, I don't know how to get it back under reign.

I need to stop drinking. I need to learn to say no. To soooo many things.

I need some direction and some redemption.

Most of all, I need mercy.

I really am sorry...

Lung Smudgin'

I have pneumonia. I do! I have been sick now for a month...three days of that flat on my back in bed. I don't understand it.

I know that it appears that I have brought an illness upon myself by playing so hard, but I have to tell you that I have ALWAYS played so hard, and have NEVER gotten just plain pancaked like this. It is very frustrating. But whatever.

Someone suggested an indian ceremony complete with smudging to drive the spirits out of my lungs...If I get that desperate I will take video, alright?

Took my oldest daughter to Big Gig this weekend, and OH that was fun! She is fifteen now, and old enough to make my life miserable, but for the most part she chooses to rock out with mom whenever given the chance. I am grateful for the common ground.

I am also thankful that I can take her around my friends and other loved ones and she melds right in. It feels really nice when people ask me to bring her along for outings...just because she is fun and pleasant to be around.

Please remind me of this when she is tormenting me again.

Sneakers

I am a sneaky one.

I don't mean to be deceptive. I only mean to disappear and reinvent.

I don't mean to cut anyone out of my life intentionally. But to take you along only reminds me of the failures I could not rectify.

I don't mean to be shady, or flaky, or unstable. But I cannot sustain the thought processes that I am abandoning.

Thats why I am bowing out...moving on...recreating.

Call it what you want - just don't look back, and don't expect me to look back either.

Full Circle

She's here. Elizabeth is here. And I really like

her. So do my other children.

We all look alike...and have some of the same mannerisms. I think she is taken aback by our interactions though - I think our family might not be as staid as hers.

Oh well.

We gots lotsa love, and that is what counts.

Instant Reincarnation

Dawn and Travis (D's Cousin and Wife), me, and Darin closing down their restaurant/bar in NE one early Sunday morning.

Someone tell me a joke and do it quickly! A good laugh is supposed to be an altitude and attitude adjuster.

Things have gotten too heavy and too complicated and too hard to decipher.

I am going to reboot.

Sing - Along with Simba and Rafiki

How many of you have watched Lion King? How many of you have watched it so many times that you can recite large portions of it without cognizance? How many of you can watch the opening scene without tearing up or developing goose flesh? Yeah...I still get all choked up, even as I recite the script with Pumba. Who knew these characters would leave such an indelible impression on us?

The Circle of Life. What a great theme song. Got it stuck in my head RIGHT NOW.

Guess why?

NOT because I just got done watching The Lion King.

But because Elizabeth is coming to stay with me in two days. The Circle of Life. I gave her to her parents 18 years ago...and now they are giving her back to me.

You would think that this Circle would feel much wider and bigger - 18 years is a long time! It's an entire childhood, even!

But to me? This circle feels like a noose. In my vision for what the day looks like when I finally get to meet my daughter again, I am so much farther ahead than where I am today. I am going to have to concede to reality, though.

My only goal at this point is to make her feel loved and comfortable - and to keep my insecurities in check.

My need to make her proud of me is by far second to her need of me being proud of her.

Vanilla Pudding in the Shade

My boys in my back yard. It backs right into heaven...great for late evening walks!


This weekend I got bored. And boring. Ugh.

I woke up this morning on my red leather art deco couch in a puddle of sunlight to the sound of cartoons. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't watch TV. But I have been doing just that this weekend. And apparently it is sucking the brains right out of me to the point where I can't even make it to bed!

Dielji is at "Fish Camp" this weekend...all weekend. Plus two weekdays. In his absence I could have gone to the lake with friends or gone bar hopping and dancing with other friends, but I decided to start acting like a sane, balanced woman who can be by herself for a couple of days without throwing a breaker. I stayed home.

I floated in my pool, did pilates, laundry and dishes. And watched two movies. I worked out on my elliptical and made a menu for next week so the kids and I can go grocery shopping when I pick them up from their father's house.

That is ALL I have done...and I will tell you this:
I cannot be by myself for a couple of days without throwing a breaker. I get boring and stupid. Next time I am at this crossroads - watch out, world! I am coming to play with YOU!

Niel's Ode to One Year

Look what my Nela girl wrote for my One Year Celebration of No Smoking!

A year can be an eternity
A year can be a flash
New lives have been opened
Old lives have been passed
The journey is marked with pain and tears
But laughter and joy as well
You soldier on with a brave heart and smile
Wondering what time will tell
Love was kissed gently
And painfully let go
Your soul begin its new emergence
To the freedom it should know
A year of independence
A year of screaming out loud
But at the end of all of it -
at the very end of all of it -
it's your year to be most proud.

Niel, you will never know how deeply you touched my heart. I don't think anyone has ever written a poem for me before, and I certainly was not expecting such a beautiful gift on that day. You treated my One Year just like the High Holiday I felt it was. Thank you.


And, Niel?
Look at the flowers Darin sent. Sent them to me at work.

He thought it was important, too. Amazing.







Friends and family alike: Look at how happy and healthy and wonderful my children look One Year after turning their life on it's head by something so silly as quitting smoking! A day that changed EVERYTHING for them. And for me.
I am so glad I made that decision.
It was the right one.

Gettin' Crazy Wid Da Postin'

E, the new Sax player for P-nuckle. Soooo good. We saw them last week at the Oriental with Pepper. Also soooo good.

Two postings. Within twelve hours of each other. What??!

I thought alot about what I wrote last night...it sounded to me like I was relying on someone else to make me feel good about myself. And that is not the case. My only feeling was that I want all of my intense emotions to be reciprocated. (I am a princess, dammit!)

And I don't feel like they are. And that makes me feel like a fool. And more than ANYTHING, I don't want to be a fool. (Clearly princesses are not supposed to feel like fools.)

I don't know whether to jump and run, sit and wait, yell and scream, or smile and ignore.

Again - is this a common feeling?

My tummy hurts.

Grading Metaphorical Dives

Criminy. It is my pattern. It is how I roll.

I get to running so fast, so beautifully, just screeeeeamin' right along - and then I trip. And land flat on my face.

It is getting harder to pick myself up these days...partly because I only have myself to fight, so I can't use my ex as motivation for locomotion. HA! He was really good for that, wasn't he?

Does everyone have to give themselves pep talks? Is this normal? Do YOU have to tell yourself you are alright? That things will work out just the way they are supposed to?

I won't be musing anymore tonight, don't worry.

But I will tell you one thing: there is someone out there who is as big of a fan of me as I have to pretend to be of myself. And he will be so proud of me. And proud to be with me.

...I gotta wipe the mud outa my eyes from my latest digger so I can see him.

OFGS - just spit it out!

I want to talk to you...I do! I want to share with you the insanity that swirls through my head and the waves of emotion that knock me down (good and bad) every single day. I want you to nod your head and make those reassuring sounds that friends make when they understand just.what.you.mean.

I want you to tell me that it is okay to start from scratch every blessed morning on the reinvention of terri. I want to hear that people understand and are not startled (or frustrated. or angry.) at all when I walk in and back out of their lives as if in a revolving door.

But mostly, I want to tell you about a boy. I haven't talked about him yet because I don't want to jinx it. And some days I am not even sure he is real. And some days I can convince myself that he isn't! But then I get to see him again, kiss him again, hear his voice rumble through my body when he holds me tight and speaks the words I need to hear...

Okay. I still can't talk about him. I will though...I promise.

Which way to Santa's House?

(cheers-ing our friend Jojo1962 from Quitnet over the phone)

One of the coolest things about my previous two years was quitting smoking. That in itself is quite the journey and mind trip. Besides better health and smelling sweeter, I also made the very best of internet friends.

The coolest part of internet friends? Meeting them in person and knowing them better than I know some family members.

Holidays are weird for me this year...meaning: I have no idea what I am doing. That was me in the picture up top on Thanksgiving - doing shots with my internet buddy Courtne. In Nebraska. That's right...I drove to NE so that I would not have to be alone.

I am a little worried about where I am going to end up on Christmas! HA! (Lock your doors, friends. )

(State Patrol in NE...not nearly as receptive to having their pic taken. Had to do it INSIDE the car.)

Don't speed in NE.

Have a great day!

It is Finished...

...and besides the excruciating pain that shot through my heart when my ex-husband erroneously stated our date of marriage, and also my middle son's birthday - it was just fine! Fifteen minutes. In and out. Here you are married, and now you aren't! Slick, ah?

The director of my department went with me. She ordered me to find someone to go with me (Yes! Like homework!) and then when I could not round anyone up, she canceled a four hour department seminar so that she herself could go sit in an empty courtroom with Jerry and I and his lawyer and the judge for 15 minutes. And she cried.
And cried.
And sniffled.
It was very sweet.

Sweet but scary because...

When will I cry?

Will I?

Am I dead inside now? Or is there nothing to cry about?

Not that I want to cry. I just want to have assurance that my current emotions are genuine.

My current emotions are... happyrelievedfreeexhiliratedsadlonelyangryecstaticcurious.

...Yeah. :)

Better Left Behind Closed Doors

I am a mess. A freakin' mess.

Friday I will sign papers that end the last 22 years of my life.

I will be a single mother of three children. One of them a teenager.

I have had to start worrying about utilities and credit card bills instead of road trips and drink money. The kind of worry that makes you vomit when you think about amounts due and due dates. Makes me feel like I have wasted the past two decades only to start again at less than ground zero.

WTF?!

Want to know what is the worst part of all of this? Watching my youngest child disintegrate into a rageful puddle of violence and irrational behavior. Right now he is sobbing in his bed because he lost at UNO and I wouldn't let him trounce his older brother into oblivion for winning. He is so angry and thinks the world is against him...I don't want this for my baby.

I didn't want this for any of my children. I want them to be able to to experience normal emotional growth, and deal with normal childhood worries. Not this all pervasive fear and anger.

This is why I don't believe in divorce.

I don't think I believe in marriage now, either.

Sorry, Mom. I will be drinking myself to sleep tonight.

...how proud you must be.

Last Call - and other Bothersome Phrases

(the last enjoyable day of terri and Jerry - and of Nela and Howie too, come to think of it. Hmmm.)

So, the union between T & J has almost wound down to it's final death throes. Please read no disrespect when I say that I always thought this process would kill me, and yet I have found that my experience has been one of the opposite - it has brought me back to life. I hope it has done the same for him. He deserves good things, too.

I have found that almost every one of my core relationships has changed based on my marital status, though. And that really bothers me. It originated with my MOM of all people when I was out in NH this summer. (I know that I haven't written about that particular experience- but someday I will. It is still too hurtful right now to put into actual words...I can't even talk to HER about it. Actually, I can't even talk to HER. I want to. But I can't. I will though.) My dad was next...but he is getting better. Even my old neighbors have no idea what to say to me, and I end up comforting THEM and telling them that everything will be okay! Friends that we have had all along are just so awkward in expressing their emotions...some won't even attempt to speak to either one of us.

I hope I will never do that to a friend. Especially during a process as extremely important as divorce.

On a different and much more interesting note: I am dating. I know I will be tsked and should not even broach this subject for another 11 days. But I can't help it. I am so intrigued by why anyone would ever NOT just date for the rest of their lives! (Security and finances aside, of course.) The one discussion that I am dreading and never thought I would have with anyone? Birth control. Oh my holy hell...how do we expect teenagers to arrange for such things when I, a 37 year old worldly woman, am breaking out in hives just THINKING about having a talk regarding methods, beliefs, STD's, etc...?? Criminy.

And yet - it must be done. When the time is right, of course. In 11 days. Or so.
:)t

Yes, I am home on Saturday Night. (Wanna make something of it?)

I am settled in...dishes are washed and put in the cabinet, carpets are steam cleaned, and the dressers are full of clean clothes. I will get to have the children every other week - starting tomorrow.

I am a bit nervous about this...their routines will be much different. We will need to get up at different times, and take alternate routes to get everyone to school and work on time. Also, I know that my ability to keep a normal schedule is going to be under scrutiny - and I resent that.

I must say, for the most part, Jerry and I have been able to keep it friendly. We have had to attend many functions together, and it has gone well. However - just when I think we could be close friends - he will do something that just makes me despise him all over again. I think god allows him to do that so that I won't forget why this divorce is okay with me.

I love my new house...I don't like the lack of money. It will take a bit to stabilize and change over the different bills to respective names. Until that happens, I will not be living large. I won't even be living medium size. In fact, the two weeks the children are not here I expect to be eating hospital food for every meal. Or Kenny's food. Whatever. Discounted/Free Food is what I am referring to.

I took the camera for a walk today. It was our first date together since it came home. I was so happy on the way back that a couple of stray tears of gratefullness rolled down my face. Those moments are the ones I try to write on my heart.

I do seem to have more good moments like that than bad ones. But the bad moments are very intense. Very black. Very lonely. Very hopeless. I understand these get less and less as time goes by...and I know that I don't want to skip any steps in healing. I will not come back and repeat any of these lessons. I just won't.

...all in all, things are progressing nicely. For now. That is all I can ask for!

I hope things are good for you as well...
;)t

Honey, I gotsta go...

Today is moving day.

Well...really, it is the beginning of moving days.

This will take awhile.

I have never been happier in my life.


AND- my camera is ready to be picked up.


Who knew that what I thought would be the end of my world is only the beginning?

YAY!

In the Rearview Mirror...

(apropos of nothing...Jessa's bachelorette party)

I swear to you that sometimes I do not know what I am feeling until I sift through my words like an archaeologist, looking for little pieces bones. Brings to mind Peter Gabriel's' Digging in the Dirt...
(Digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt...)

I was walking away from the computer after my last entry, shaking my head and marveling at how little detail I provided and how emotionless I sounded. But there really were so many emotions about that night!!

Number one: ohhhh ...my camera. My beloved camera. An extension of my heart! I heard the shattering before I could stop my fall. And there was nothing I could do. I got stepped on, too, but I didn't care at that point. I know that nobody died...but still. My camera was in pieces. And so was my mind.

In fact, the state of my camera is a great metaphor for the state of my being...ha!

I had bailed out of work early that night, withdrew funds from my account that I couldn't afford, drove way too fast down to Denver, fought with Jerry on the phone because he didn't want me to go, threw a temper tantrum when I figured out that the Gothic Theatre is NOT on Colfax, and generally bullied my way through the "getting there" experience. You would think that I could listen to the universe's signals to slow down and just let things happen the way they are supposed to...but no. I had to push things through and make it go like I thought it should be.

Although we did make it in time for the Meet & Greet with the bands, and even got to see the acts warm up...I was truly feeling the cost of all of my actions up to that point.

When I did finally get knocked down in the crowd, I actually felt like I deserved it. Not just for that night. But for all of the nights leading up to that. All the adolescent acting out that I was doing and the lives that I was wreaking havoc on.

I felt like I was finally paying a price with something I held dear.

...and because I felt like I deserved to lose something precious, I didn't take my camera to the shop for almost another three weeks.

Self-flogging. Self-loathing.


...you would think with the emotional price I paid and the pain of repentance, that I would change my ways. But, oh no.

The summer was just beginning.

Thunk

Hmmm.

I don't want to talk about my present today. I think I would like to talk about my summer...you missed out on a lot of action while my fingers were on TerriBerriHiatus.

Let's start at the end of June....oh yes, lets! I think I left off at the day of the Flyleaf Concert...which is the last day that I held the OMG camera in my hands.

I got knocked down - the camera is in pieces. And is still in the shop. End of that story.

The show? Ohhh! Sick Puppies is amazing...took my breath away. I have never enjoyed an opening band more than I did them, and thank goodness I did my homework before the show so that I could fully enjoy the fact that they are true to their music no matter where they are performing.

Kill Hannah was also enjoyable, but not as remarkable as their schwag...their t-shirts and merch are really cute.

(Jessa and I at a Flyleaf/Dropping Daylight show - spring 2006)


Flyleaf??? I really enjoyed seeing Lacey and Pat and Sameer...but...oh, I don't know. Maybe I have seen them too many times. Or maybe it was because Jessa wasn't there. Whatever the reason, they did not live up to the standards set previously...by themselves and their opening acts. I hate to say anything bad about them, only because I am so emotionally attached and I would never want them to know that someone is thinking anything but supportive and admiring thoughts.


I took my neighbor boy, Brock, who is about 6'6...and 18, and headed straight for the military. He was a very enjoyable concert buddy - and a great designated driver, too. I would take him with me again anytime, and I certainly hope I get the chance to. He is a great kid.

I ran into so many people at that show (Maria from 30STM Echelon, and Billy from the Hoobastank concert to name a couple) - I had forgotten that other people get as excited about the concert experience as I do. 'Twas nice to share in the adrenaline and enjoyment with people close to my own age...

(Meeting Billy at Hoobastank (Jan 2007) - I liked his shirt. :))


A few days later, I took my babies to the airport and sent them to New Hampshire to stay a month with my mother. And I left directly from there to go to Chicago...

...to be continued.
:)

Wilco - Denver, CO - 9/1

Wilco 020
Originally uploaded by tielji

Yes! You read that right! I went to a Wilco show with my friend Dan. A sold out show, mind you. Now, I attend a lot of sold out shows, but this one was amazing for two reasons.

#1. People were trying to buy tickets on the street for any price. If it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to see why they would do such a thing, I would have sold mine for future rent money. HA!
#2. I have no idea how this happened, but we started three rows of people back... and ended up in the front row. Front freakin' row. Gawd I love the Fillmore...

I kind of do know how it happened: A little blonde thing in the front row had to go potty, so I crowd wrangled for her (not once, but twice) and how did she show her appreciation? By pulling me up to stand beside her. Yay!!

On the other side of me? (not in the front row) A couple who had been married for 17 years. I heard myself mumble that if my husband would have gone to shows with me, we probably would still be together. That was a sad moment.

Behind me? One huge teddy bear of a man who put me in front of him so I could actually see. I didn't notice his smaller-in-stature boyfriend on the other side of him 'til later!

I should add a third reason to why this show was so amazing...

#3. Holy cats, Wilco is soooo amazing! Six guys making every song a huge jam session. A story...poetry in sound...complete with the thrilling of the heart. These guys are true craftsmen, and I get now the huge following.

...the three encores did so much to embed them into my eternal admiration as well. Four songs each encore...who does that anymore??! Loved it.

And oh, it was so nice to have this break from real life.

Today I am packing. Again. And I told my parents. Check and check.

Ironic divorce statement of the day: (by my wonderful, sweet, soon to be ex husband) So...I guess you won't be moving out until you have the money to do it, huh?

I tried to explain the best I could that, really, it is not reasonable to think that you can come home one day and say "I want a divorce" and the other person not only says "okay!" but then finds a place to live for free and extremely conveniently.

I don't think he understood me. We speak different languages now.

Maybe we always did.