Part of my misery is my own damn fault. Funny how that works, and even funnier how hard it is to admit it, ah? Anyway!
Three or four years ago when things in my mind were starting to muck up, and things in my household were becoming crystal clear for the dysfunction they were, I filled my life up with people that I only communicated with electronically. At first it was people from my Quit.net, and then it started to include people I met blogging, and then after my divorce it became people I met on dating sites who although I didn't get to date them (D asked for exclusivity immediately -flattering, but detrimental to the cause of seeing what all is out there...), I still had much communication through email and/or texting.
That all came to a grinding halt in the early fall when D expressed his displeasure with all of my random iPeople. So I cut off communication with them all. All of my flirty friends that made me laugh and giggle and blush, all of my intuitive friends that gave me great advice and stayed ever available for my sporadic need for repartee, even my concert buddy who still to this day does not know why he went to so many concerts by himself this year - I stopped "talking" to them all. And focused all of my attention on my relationship with D.
And there is where at least two of my four wheels start to come off the track. It seems that I am a high contact person who has an incredible need for near-constant socialization. Can one man - one amazing man, albeit - carry that humongous burden? Could he ever hope to get lucky at the art of keeping me even-keeled? No. No. He hasn't a snowball's chance in hell of meeting those particular needs of mine.
And so. Is it really fair? Is it fair that I put so much pressure on him to do the impossible? Would it be a blessing of immeasurable value and an enormous relief to have that responsibility and source of brain damage, that everpresent millstone around his neck removed?
Why, yes. I do believe I agree with you. I think I am reopening the terriberrisuperinformationhighway. I need those connections. They are a lifeline of sorts. And I miss them terribly.
There. You had no idea I was such an excellent giver and problem solver, did you? :)