I don't even know where to start. I want to say witty and wonderful things, yet all I am left with is a fog of confusion...

E called me tonight. Out of the blue. Just a little, trembly voice asking for Terri.

Me: this is Terri (in my calmest, most nurturing tone because the other voice was so emotional)

E: umm...Terri? Do you know who this is?

Me: No sweetie, I don't. Are you okay, though?

E: umm...yeah, I am just really nervous. Please don't tell anyone - promise you won't tell anyone I am calling you...

Me: I won't, hon. I promise. I swear. What is it I can help you with tonight, my dear?

And then she told me who she was...the baby girl I gave up for adoption 16 years ago.

Right now, I am so happy and terrified and confused and glad and all sorts of conflicting things. We had a wonderful conversation...but then her parents came home. From the tone of the voices in the background, I am thinking tonight is not a good night in her household right now. They are upset that she called me and there is nothing I can do about that.

I should have told her to call back when her parents knew what she was up to, but how do you suggest such a thing without making a child feel unwanted? I was mesmerized by the sound of her voice, and I wanted moremoremore!

I feel like my entire life changed tonight - on a dime, so to speak.

And I am thrilled and frightened to see what is coming next.


Jeff said...

I can't even begin to imagine! Thrilling, Horrifying, Nail biting, Edge of your seat, Shocking, Fulfilling, Satisfying, Being left empty, Wanting more, Waiting. That's what I would probably think if I were to begin to imagine, and I probably haven't even scratched the surface.

I hope you both find what you need.

Quindigo said...

HOLY TOLEDO! You must feel overwhelmed...will she call back? Does she live near? Have you seen her during the 16 years?

This could be life-changing for both of you - what a wonderful gift that she called!

terri said...

Thanks Jeff and Indi...isn't this just CRAZY?

It is an open adoption. Her family has always sent me pictures and letters, and I actually got to pick them out before E was born. The whole thing has been very structured and organised...I dont think E being so impulsive fit into anyone's vision of the future.
I still have not heard from the parents.