Tonight I am reminding myself over and over to breathe. Just breathe, d*mmit! Can it really be that difficult? And yet, I will go several seconds at the long end of an exhale -forgetting to bring the air back in.

This time of the day is the hardest for me...this is the time of day that I always lose my Quit. (But I won't today. Maybe tomorrow...but not today.) The kids and MyGuy have gone to bed, the house is quiet (except for the SkeeterKitty playing catch with a piece to the long-ago-discarded milk lid. Where does she find these things?) and my mind is free to replay all of the day's havoc in slow motion. SloMo just in case I forget to panic sufficiently if it runs through events too fast...

Miss E assures me that the many phone calls, text messages, e-mails and MySpace communications that she gleefully sends will be fine with her parents. Why am I not sure? I had to put my foot down and say no more - no more until I hear from your parents. How odd and mean...Gawd, I hope her parents hurry UP!

MyGuy bought a beautifulhotsexyguygoingthroughmidlifecrisis motorcycle after work today. I made sure to include my name on the title, so that if I ever have to knock it over in some seedy hotel parking lot the insurance will cover the damage or the payoff - either is fine with me.

Another worry about this? He doesn't even have his motorcycle license! He promises me that he will have it before the week is out. D*mn right he will. 'Cause the insurance will not pay for the damage or the payoff when I have to knock over his bike in some seedy hotel parking lot if he is not properly licensed.

OFGS...Enough...Breathe...

I got a massage today. It was so beautiful and wonderful...my therapist believes that a good massage includes never losing contact with the body, even to retrieve more oils. I guess I was more jacked up than I thought, because all I have done since I got home is sleep. Come to think of it...thats what I did when I was there, too. Snoring, drooling, twitching slumber. Which is wonderful...unless your husband wakes you up from that sleep so that you can go downstairs and try to get back to that sleep...aaaargh! We are gonna need to have a talk, I think.

I am now guzzling wine and eating chocolate donuts, trying to decide whether or not to do my pilates tonight or tomorrow. But I have not stolen even one teensy weensy puff from MyGuys smokes...and I am going to celebrate that small accomplishment to the fullest. Lets hope my celebrating makes me tired again.

Here is another pic from the International 3D. OH!~ such fun. ;)

I don't even know where to start. I want to say witty and wonderful things, yet all I am left with is a fog of confusion...

E called me tonight. Out of the blue. Just a little, trembly voice asking for Terri.

Me: this is Terri (in my calmest, most nurturing tone because the other voice was so emotional)

E: umm...Terri? Do you know who this is?

Me: No sweetie, I don't. Are you okay, though?

E: umm...yeah, I am just really nervous. Please don't tell anyone - promise you won't tell anyone I am calling you...

Me: I won't, hon. I promise. I swear. What is it I can help you with tonight, my dear?

And then she told me who she was...the baby girl I gave up for adoption 16 years ago.

Right now, I am so happy and terrified and confused and glad and all sorts of conflicting things. We had a wonderful conversation...but then her parents came home. From the tone of the voices in the background, I am thinking tonight is not a good night in her household right now. They are upset that she called me and there is nothing I can do about that.

I should have told her to call back when her parents knew what she was up to, but how do you suggest such a thing without making a child feel unwanted? I was mesmerized by the sound of her voice, and I wanted moremoremore!

I feel like my entire life changed tonight - on a dime, so to speak.

And I am thrilled and frightened to see what is coming next.

Thought Crimes

Good Lord, I am in TROUBLE!...for something I did not do. But I am taking the heat because there are lots of things I HAVE done that I never got in trouble for...like maxing out my VS card and "borrowing" from savings to pay it back.

MyGuy actually thinks that I was flirting with the Pizza Delivery Boy. Now, he is not a jealous man as a rule, but tonight was different. Poor PDB asked about my car (gas mileage, comfort, affordability - guy questions) and I, being vain about my car, answered every question in animated detail. I think MyGuy misunderstood the exhibited passion and excitement, and thought it was aimed at the Boy instead. Ugh. Needless to say, my pizza didn't go down very well tonight.

The sad part is that MyGuy has lots of legitimate reasons to complain - he just isn't in touch with his feelings enough to put them in words. So his general discomfort comes lashing out at random stupid things like this...

But like I said, I am saying "I am so sorry." And meaning it- but not for tonight...

I am going shopping in the morning. ;)

Catching Up

Aahhh...I am a bit out of touch. My schedule has been interrupted by my accomplishment of one goal - integrating myself into every area of my new workplace. It is a fetish of mine, this having to know how to do everyone's position. It has to be an ego thing. I should be ashamed because of just such a possibility, but I am also very excited to weave my way into areas that will produce new connections and opportunities. Okay - lets just be honest and say it like this: The grass is always greener on the other side, and I always want to be doing what someone ELSE is doing instead of what I am obligated to do. The short attention span doesn't help. Neither does the boredome that increases in astounding increments when I accomplish a task. Whatever. Good thing I am paid by the hour and have a very understanding family...my next few days are going to be 13 hour days, and I LOVE IT!

Tonight I got to work with an honest-to-God-mail-order-bride. She is from the Philippines, pregnant, tiny, English poor - and utterly amazing. She has no idea that I know that her homelife is awful - and I am sure she won't tell me (for a very long time) the intricate details of her life. As I followed her tonight from patient to patient and listened to her interactions with wounded, sick and scared people I was taken aback by how just one soul could change the tone in a room. So careful, she, and warm. Warm to those who verbally abused her in their fog of medication and warm to those who responded kindly to her administrations. Complete in herself, she never let a single interaction phase how she approached the next patient. I know that she will never get to see the ripple effect her personality has on their hospital experience. And I am sure that it wouldn't change anything about her if she DID get to see how far her kindness extended.

I asked her permission to follow her again tomorrow night...I want to be a first-hand observer forever to her magic. The manager has much to learn from the employee.

Looking Down My Nose

I am trying so hard not to let the little things get to me. To count my blessings. To look the other way and have grace and mercy towards others who obviously don't get to enjoy the quality of life that I do. Call it a lack of nicotine, call it a bad case of NIMBY, whatever you want to term it is fine with me - but I cannot get past my obvious distress at how the renters across the street are affecting my little quiet and peaceful world. The third family they just finished adding to the house parks their cars under my trees. The parties on the front lawn and in the street last way past my children's bedtime with their car stereo providing the neighborhood with thump-thump pulse. I would enjoy their music much more if I could hear anything else BUT the thump-thump-polka-crap that makes me feel like I am coming out of my skin. ( I am very aware that I am sounding old...)

Please let me say that if I lived downtown - which I would do in a heartbeat - I would not only enjoy this environment, I would revel in it! But I live in a quiet, beautiful green neighborhood with the property taxes and an ancient nieighbor etiquette to prove it. And I have three children who do not need to see a grown man throwing things out his windows and doors while screaming "f*ck you, b*tch!" at the top of his lungs. It isn't good for anyone. (I do, however, agree with his assesment of his lovely wife.)

So. What do I do? They are not improving their act in order to avoid my bitter and seething, boiling dirty looks, so behaviour modification is out. The dog catcher only returns their pit bull to them - even though he has been called out 7 times - so using the pet as leverage is out. They don't seem to care that they have gotten into it at least once with every neighbor we have...and they live on the corner lot! So the socialization/isolation method is not beneficial.

I have two options left. I can go over and treat them like rational human beings that care about their (and our) quality of life. Which they aren't and they DON'T - so that would be an excercise in practicing good character on my part alone. OR - I can call their landlord tomorrow and start waging a continual war on that poor man until he gets something done with this mess he allowed into my little world.

Please form a single line to chastise me...I truly am ashamed of my black heart.

I admit it. I am running away from my past. Not my ENTIRE past...just the last 8 months of my blog. Months of questioning everything about who I am and what I believe and what my purpose is in this world.

This much I know...I am a mother of three and a wife of one. Everything else is still up in the air.

To those of you who I have followed from MSN Spaces to Blogspot, please remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and please don't hate me for coveting your new environment - and for constructing my own new place in a new blogging subdivision. I will be an excellent neighbor, I promise! I will never play my music too loud, nor will I let my children snoop around in your blog. I will always have a comment to lend, and will welcome yours with open arms whenever you just feel like a quick visit. While I mind my own business, I will enjoy watching your families grow and will help you celebrate anything and everything you feel deserves a party. I will grieve with you and think good thoughts for you during the day when things look their bleakest. I will always be your cheerleader and never your critic. Nevereverever.

Although I have already eluded to my confusion of late, I must be honest with you and tell you that I am a bit "tetched" these days. My thoughts are not always clear, I don't have the best rationale, and I tend to ramble. But blogging seems to be one way to sort things out. So sort we will. Oh - and also, I am sometimes immature, and not all that interesting what with all the stories about my children and my music...but again - this is about me getting some semblance of ME back.

...now, if I can just catch a quick glimpse of me, we can be on our way...