More of the Same

Goodness!

It's been awhile. Too long, really. I am always thinking about the words in my head that want to find their way to paper (you know what I mean), but have been too ...I don't know. Stubborn? Prideful? Petulant? Lazy?? However you want to describe it, I have been too much of it to open this blog back up.

But here I am.

Today I said something really awful to a friend. It was the very worst kind of awful - the kind that leaves marks and hangs in the air with all of it's poison relentlessly oozing. Ugh.

I asked him why the terrible people in our world couldn't be the ones offing themselves instead of the talented, beautiful and beloved.

It was supposed to be a harmless musing out loud. It was not harmless.

I am glad that my friend knows my heart and can forgive my outrageousness (that isn't a word, by the way - but it should be).

I'm Leaving

I'm leaving on a jet plane! I am going to NH to see my mom and Bob! 

Truly, it is a magical adventure whenever my mom is part of my plans. She still creates magic for me - I have no idea how. 

I hope to see some ocean, maybe hike a little, maybe eat some really great comfort food and sit by the fire. 

Do you know what I hope for the very most, though? A scare-free plane ride. Both ways. 

                                    The beach not too far away from the Boston International Airport - 2007

Pricey Bargains

Garage sales are so fascinating! It's like gambling (only most of the time it's cheaper) because you could come across a treasure...or not. I am safer than most from the siren call of the garage sale as I never carry cash (which is also a problem).

Today I stumbled across a garage sale in my own neighborhood. Actually, right across the street. Turns out the couple that has been living there for the past 25 years is moving. It seemed like a perfect opportunity to meet them as I had never seen them before. Not once in the last eight years that I have been here.

Anyway, as I moseyed my way through the piles of "stuff" they were hawking, l noticed that they had some interesting goblets here and there. One particular goblet looked like it was silver - tarnished, yes, but silver nonetheless. I brought it down off of it's perch to get a closer look, and quickly returned it as it felt too light to be the quality I hoped it was. And wouldn't you know? It fell off of the shelf and crashed to the ground in two pieces. Guh. The base had snapped right off of the stem.

I have never broken anything at a garage sale before, so I didn't know what protocol was. The neighbor hadn't seen it, and no one was around. So I left.

I went back to my house, got the two quarters that was the asking price, and returned to let the garage seller know what had happened. He didn't seem to care much - as was my anticipation. But if I had not paid for it (although I left it with him to dispose of), I would have been waiting for Karma's swift retribution my whole life. And I wasn't willing to go through that for a fake silver goblet.

Or anything else, really.

Tweet Tweet Tweet

Writing has always been my "thing". My blogging started in '05 with MSN's Spaces ( I was writing at the Tow Away Zone! Clever, huh?) and then migrated to Blogger in '06 when all of my fellow bloggers did. I think Facebook was the death of our blogging. I can't be for sure of that fact, but as evidence, our blogging decreased as our FB'ing increased.

Twitter is another factor responsible for our (collective) decreased writing. I really haven't enjoyed Twitter all that much - that may be because 90% the tweets in my feed were either upsetting to me, offensive or political.  I never saw anything from people I actually knew, and if I did, I had already seen their post on Facebook! I refused to delete anyone because doing that made it seem that I am close-minded, judgmental and not open to anyone else's point of view. Which is exactly the opposite of who I want to be.

But, holy cats! My Twitter feed! It. Was. Infuriating.

So, I decided to take a look at who I was following - and who was following me. I guess I didn't know enough about what a good follower/followee relationship looked like when I started my tweeting...nor was there any rhyme or reason to who was included in my twits. I started hitting the unfollow button. And that brought me so much happiness that I kept hitting the unfollow button until there was nothing left but people I WANTED to follow (and who were following me)! My whole experience with this particular social media has just changed for the better. I know there is a life metaphor in there somewhere about how when we choose our companions well it makes our life happier...when I get it worded better I will be sure to tweet it!

(@terilyn1610) :-)

See You At the Pole

Today was See You at the Pole day for my kids and their high school. Truly, I was impressed that they went - mostly because it entailed getting up and being to school even before the sun came up.

Both of the boys have been active with their youth group, our church and summer church camp for about a year, and all on their own accord! I am so grateful for that. They even have a school bible study that meets at lunch on Tuesdays. Now, I went to Christian schools when I was growing up - I don't think I had near as much God in my life as these boys do. They seem to be comfortable with their spirituality around their peers and adults alike.

But even in their cool Godliness, they are still teenaged boys. As my youngest was leaving for the school this morning I hollered,"Love you! See you at the flagpole!". Horrified, he stopped in his tracks to look back and ask, "Uh, you aren't coming, are you, Mom?"

Haha! I really did think about going after that. In my jammies.

Oily Happenstances

I bought a new car. (See picture- it's cute, right?) I spent many hours searching the internet for this specific car: Chevrolet Sonic RS. The RS part is important because it means I have a turbo, leather and a sunroof. I don't know why those things indicate luxury to me, but they do and I had to have them. So I got them. I also get 35 MPG on the highway - not luxurious, but very practical. 

To date, I have put 30K on my new little car in 10 months - somebody quick figure out my monthly average, but I'll estimate that it's pretty high what with all of the commuting for work and my long-distance relationship. And, oh yeah, the road trip we took to Yellowstone this summer. 

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I were "flying low" down the highway when I heard a terrible thump under the car, and saw something that looked like a rock careening down the lane behind me. Thinking I must have hit a dirt clod or something similar, I didn't take too much notice. Until oil started covering my back window. (Oil? How in the hell would oil get on my back window?) As my oil pressure lamp lit up and the oil pressure alarm sounded off  (like this: DINGDINGGGDING!!!), I wobbled my way off of the highway to a gas station parking lot. Ugh.

The kids and I sat on the curb next to my little car, bewildered and waiting for roadside assistance. Believe it or not, I have never had to use roadside in my life. It's pretty easy, all in all. However, I was so shaky that my sons were dialing dueling phones for me while we arranged for rides, advice, etc. 

The tow truck driver was a young kid, burly and earnest. As he jumped out of the truck, he let out a low whistle at the puddle of oil now staining the parking lot. "Threw a rod", he says, "Wow - that stinks". (What? What? WHAT?? I have thrown a rod in a vehicle before...it was my fault...I was waiting for the Change Your Oil light to come on. It never did come on. It was a 76 Toyota pickup that didn't even have a Check Your Rattling Engine light. I have been very good about oil ever since. I could not have thrown a rod in this little car.)  "Would you mind looking at the hole in the pan, Sir, to see if the hole is coming out or going in? I am sure that I just hit a rock," I said, trembly voice full of panic. Trying to scootch his large frame under my tiny Chevy, he finally located the spot where the oil had been pouring out of. "Huh. This hole is threaded - this is where your oil plug should be!", he nodded wisely to me. 

So - apparently - when you are flying low down the highway, your oil plug can just FALL OUT. This is not something I have ever heard of, and of course was not prepared for. 

Now I am well versed in all things Oil Plug, Oil Light, Overhead Cam, Turbos, dealerships who promise you the moon but give you moonrocks, other dealerships who pick up the slack and restore your faith in some dealerships, and roadside assistance. Go ahead - ask me anything. 

Privacy, Please

Oh! Now, that feels nice. I can say whatever I want to and I don't have to worry that somehow, someway my words will be read by people who will take them the wrong way. And I also don't need to worry that I sound whiney or too happy or too ANYTHING, really.

I really do like to write. Well - mostly, I like to muse. And I like to look back to see what it looked like in my head in the past, if for no other reason but to make sure that I am growing as a human.

Unfortunately, I also like the feedback and the communications with others that an open blog provides. I miss my old bloggy friends. Sarah, Colleen, Jock, Brenda - I miss them. I miss the tremendous influence that they had in my everyday life.

I hope they are all well.

Maybe I should reach out...

Regret and Breadcrumbs

I feel an incredible amount of shame in regards to who I have been. It can be overwhelming. And this blog is a written record of it.

Deleting the blog is an obvious option. So is turning the more "odious" posts back in to drafts (which I have done already with some), so that I don't lose the content but am not displaying it for the world to see. And judge. Like I do.

I dunno. We'll see. I kinda like being able to see where I left my breadcrumbs of words so that I can tell which paths I should not traverse again.

I truly have lost touch with a couple of the people I used to be. And that is okay.

A few things.

• At Atlas today we learned that how we perceive Jesus Christ informs how we treat others. I LOVE Him...I just don't trust Him. Wow. Pretty great discovery. 
• Also, why am I making sacrifices for someone who can't remember to call me in the morning? Who has no pictures of me anywhere? Who is fine with me just being his girlfriend? For EIGHT years? Why? What is wrong with me? 
• Sigh.

How you like them apples?

My biggest struggle in trying to live my life as a self-actualized human being/Wonder Woman is knowing what to do with those who don't like me.

Honestly, in 2007 I was pretty sure I had this licked. "I am not everyone's cuppa tea - I get that. And that is okay", I would say. And I would truly be fine with it.

But now - not so much. I have a totally new world of people to interact with, and a totally new set of personalities to adapt to. I walk in on a future relative saying something mean about me and I shrink. I shrivel! I run away. The neighbor is snotty and disdainful one day, but friendly and engaging the next? I spend hours in turmoil trying to figure out how to increase the friendly, engaging minutes while erasing whatever I did to cause the snotty, disdainful ones. I have wasted so much time dissecting interactions between people in my past, my present and my future, all to determine how to make things better. How to make things right for these people who don't seem to like me.

I need to write it on my heart: I am not everyone's cuppa tea. I am me. And I am just fine! I don't like everyone and not everyone has to like me. That is okay.

I hereby resolve to be myself and pretend that I haven't heard or seen anything from anyone that would indicate that they think I am anything less than wonderful. And I will be much happier, I am sure. And if they are much happier as a result, that will just be bonus.

Over the Hills

I am getting old. And not metaphorically. I am aging at an exponential rate that is startling and shaming to me.

I eat so well. I don't drink a whole lot anymore. I use sunscreen and I get 8-9 hours of sleep every single night. I am blessed with very little stress and I have great genes. So WHY?

I am hoping that it is just a perception thing...like body dysmorphic disorder. Or maybe a mirror distortion.

I am not ready to be old. I didn't get being young done yet.

90.

I am doing a 90 day project. Not for business purposes, or to "level up" like so many of my friends are doing these days. I just really like the idea that you can select a certain length of time, set an intention, and grow something new in your life! It has the same appeal to me as the cleansing aspect of abstaining from something for the Lenten season. I am committing to doing a few things health related and a couple of things creativity related for 90 days starting today. ( I don't know why I am being vague - why can't I just tell you what things I will be doing??! Criminy. Seriously, not that big of a deal. Still - not telling.)

 Have any of you done something similar to a 90 Day Challenge/Project? What were your results?

Sewage and Sage Advice

My ex-husband: You had better get a GOOD F******N LAWYER!

My Mom: Well, at least he specified what kind of lawyer to get.

Me: MOM!

My Mom: Ohhh...I bet that kind is more expensive than the other kinds.

Me: Ugh. Mom, I am worried. I feel like I am starting WWIII and my kids are going to suffer greatly because of it. 

My Mom: War is good! Clears the air and good for the economy. 

Me: *speechless*


I love that lady. 

Class Project

Class Project, a photo by Gypsy Scribe on Flickr.

I am converting to Catholicism. For the reals. I am actually IN the process as we speak.

In fact, I am at the part of the process that is the most intense: Lent/Easter and my first Eucharist.

For the past 7 months D and I have been attending class on what it means to become a Catholic, and I have to say it has been surprisingly enjoyable! I love my classmates, and the education is very interesting. One would think that D would be bored as he is what they call a "Cradle Catholic" (born in to the faith), but honestly, I think he has learned just as much as I have about his church.

I am surprised at myself. I did not see conversion to ANYTHING in my future. My faith has been complete since I was a child - not always practiced, but complete nonetheless.

I guess this is what happens when contemplating how to change "my future" in to "our future".

Tire-d of the Same Old Thing

Tire-d of the Same Old Thing, a photo by Gypsy Scribe on Flickr.

Happy New Year!

It has happened again, yes? This annual rolling around of a brand new start.

Did you take advantage of it? Did you need to take advantage of it?

I have been observing lately. I have been particularly drawn to those people who always have something in "the works". Whether it is art, a family activity, a social event, or personal improvement - I am surrounded by people who pack more in a day than I can fit in to a week.

I want to be like them.

I know that some of the people I admire are plagued with demons that I am not equipped to deal with (bipolar, scars from abuse, etc) and others have vices that carry them farther and longer than the average human ... and I don't want to have THAT part of their productive/artistic nature.

Do they always have to go hand-in-hand, though?

On a serious note, I will be sharing my New Years/New Start resolutions with you now:

In the year of 2014, I hereby resolve to buy more art. I also resolve to make some of my own.
I resolve to purchase or borrow more books - and read them sober (that makes a difference, you know). I also will write some words of my own.
I resolve to be recognize and act on my own extraordinariness. I resolve to honor yours.

Happy New Year/New Start to you. Much love!

Rage on Down the Road

Home Slice, a photo by Gypsy Scribe on Flickr.

I have been trying to deal with this road rage issue once and for all. Every time I think I have it licked, I am sent a test from above. And I fail. 

A couple of months ago my test was sent in the form of a driver whose car apparently wasn't equipped with accessible mirrors or blinkers. Or the driver just didn't feel like using them that day. In rush hour traffic. So, of course the car slid right over in front of me where there was no room for another car - without signaling. I know, I know. I should have just let her in, slowed down to adjust for her presence and then focused on happier things. Things like this happen all of the time, right?

But no. I didn't. She not only cut me off, she was also going to go a full 5 miles lower than the speed limit IN the passing lane. (I do hear me sounding like a spoiled brat, believe me.) So...I honked at her. It didn't phase her. I honked again. Nothing. Flashed my lights. She slowed down. Tried to pass her. She sped up. Ugh.

After about 15 miles of this nonsense we finally came to town, and of course I was in the turning lane right behind her. So I decided to follow her. Where to? I dunno. I wasn't going to follow her home. But SHE didn't know that. She started to take turns, and so did I - nothing too alarming, but I was doing some fancy mommy talking to myself ("What are you trying to accomplish? How is this going to end well? Stop this right now!") and finally, FINALLY, I decided to let this slight go. There was no way to win. So, I conceded and drove past her when she made one more left turn. 

And wouldn't you know? She swerved back in to my lane behind me and then was following ME! HA! That was some scary stuff right there. I honestly didn't know what to do. 

I stopped in a gas station parking lot, yanked my car keys, jumped out of the car, and met her face-forward as she came in to the parking lot. I am so glad she didn't have a gun - and whatever look on my face or crazy tough girl posturing I was putting out must have worked. I motioned for her to stop and talk to me (whatever motion that is, I guess) but she just kept on going. Right back out of the parking lot.  Phew.

I was worried, SO worried, that she had called the police or had her family coming after me for backup. But then I realized: She really didn't have a leg to stand on in the end. In the end, she was the hunter and I was the prey. She was following me. I was the pursued, not the pursuer. Right?!

Ugh.

I need a chauffeur. 

Free Five Minute Personalty Test (!)

Free five minute personalty test



I take this every once in awhile - just to see if my personality has improved. I think the answer is no.

 Here are my newest results:

Your Existing Situation "Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met." Your Stress Sources "Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain." Your Restrained Characteristics "Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended." Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being. Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity. "Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation." "Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty." Your Desired Objective "Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging." Your Actual Problem Disappointed because her hopes have not come to pass and she fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. she tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

- See more at: http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,7,2,5,0,6,3,1,4,6,1,7,2,5,0,3,6,4,1&p=full#sthash.9E2krens.dpuf

Boundaries

boundaries, a photo by Gypsy Scribe on Flickr.

I am:

•  politically discouraged. 

• in love with my children. Every one of them. Ridiculously so.

• bored.

• apprehensive.

• disappointed with my level of personal accountability. 

• grateful for a new life  - especially when I see my old life through others' eyes.

• encouraged by the blessings that turn up every day.

• still me.  

All Apologies

cutting edge, a photo by Gypsy Scribe on Flickr.

I have been thinking about apologies lately. Obsessing might be the correct term. Not that I am obsessing over who I owe an apology to - just whether or not I should actually follow through on said apology.

Would it make a difference? Who would it make a difference to? Am I apologizing for my own sake? Or am I saying I am sorry to make someone else feel better? What is my motivation? Do I really owe the apology, or am I reacting to someone else's guilt trip? Am I trying to aleviate my own shame? Do I even need to feel ashamed? Is there more that I should be feeling ashamed about? Am I addressing every wrong that needs addressing? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

See what I mean?

Guh.

A New Kind of Year

Steeled Soul, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

2010 was a tumultuous, sickening, exhilarating, devastating and  an all around eventful year. I was so glad to be entering 2011 with all of the pieces of my life put back where I thought they oughta be. D and I had reconciled - although we still didn't have any idea what to do with this relationship to make and keep it healthy for both of us. My kids were doing well at home and at school - although I was starting to emotionally separate from my daughter in apprehension of her "leaving me" and going to college. My relationships with my mom and dad were both intact and everyone was - for the most part- happy and healthy.  I was at poverty level financially, but felt very wealthy in terms of friends and family. 


Part of any relationship is sharing with the other those things that make one feel special and cared for - and being honest about the things that don't. Being able to say "Hey! This is not okay!" is crucial to the health of a partnership. And I am not good at it. I am good at pouting. I am good at obscure references and the silent treatment. I can drop hints and exaggerated sighs like a B2 Bomber. But the straightforward approach escapes me.

This year, when planning out holiday celebrations with various family factions, it just so happened that D will be spending New Years Eve in Kansas with his family hunting and opening presents. I, on the other hand, am childless and now boyfriend-less on this very special milestone holiday. And while my brain gets the logistics of what our situation is, the little brat inside of me is throwing a temper tantrum because I don't get my way - I don't get to dress up, party, and kiss my boyfriend at midnight. Ugh. Such a terrible plight. 


But really, it's more than that. I don't want to spend any holidays by myself.


I spent the previous week simpering and sighing every time that NYE came up in conversation (something I do before every holiday or special occasion that doesn't pan out my way). I repeated all of my finely honed poor communication skills - with the expected poor results. Finally, in an obviously-channeled-from-a-healthy-person session, I very clearly said: Hey, I have to tell you something. I have a problem. I am not okay with being alone on holidays. And you know what? It was easy! And good! It works! Did D change his plans and ruin his kids' time with their grandparents so that I could have my way on NYE? No. Thank goodness. But we were able to have a conversation about my feelings and expectations.


I was surprised to learn that NYE is not that big of a deal to my boyfriend. I count it as one of my "High Holidays". I reminded him of how special the NYE we spent in Boston was. Of how much fun we had going to see Benjamin Buttons another year - we went to the theatre in one year and came out of the theatre in another year, etc.


Yet, today when I was getting my head and heart right to be okay with being "alone" tonight, it dawned on me: when I was reminding him of the special NYE celebrations we have enjoyed over the past few years, I did not mention last year. Not one word was spoken about the transition from 2010 to 2011, even with all of it's drama and events. You know why?


I can't remember what we did. Or if we were even together. 


I will have two special gifts for myself as we go in to the new year - one is the ability to trust that I can express my wants and needs in a healthy, constructive way. The other will be a newly written reflection of 2011. I don't want to spend anymore time this year dreading things that haven't happened or might not be as bad as I think they will be. I want to celebrate and be grateful for those moments full of joy and contentment.


Happy New Year, my friends. <3