Trails of Bread Crumbs

I am steeped in others' blogs right now. I think I have read about 22 from beginning to end. Some of them are really long, too!

Some of them are inspiring and educational- but then I go and ruin the feelings that they leave me with by reading tomes of sadness and heartbreak and depression and overindulgence - everything that I am trying to escape.

To be honest though, it is nice to identify with other souls. I just don't think it is always very healthy.  With some, it feels like wallowing.

I am going to put the internet on hold tonight and tomorrow - the only things that will be read by me are going to be books that I can hold in my hand. Physical books without links for me to follow like a lost Gretel headed straight for the Witch's Oven.

I am clearly on the wrong trail.

Blue and other variations

I finally opened up my blinds. Good thing, too. It is beautiful outside!

The fall colors, the blue sky (I should find a descriptive word for the color other than blue - but I don't want to), the way the sunshine is slanting this time of year - it really shouldn't be missed.

This time of year is when the majority of my biggest events happened. I was married, my grandmother AND great grandmother died, my mother moved far, far away,  we lost a child, I was divorced, all three of my accidents were in October, and I met D. Not a very good month for me, I guess. Ha!

But it's gonna be okay.

As soon as I crawled out of bed for the first time in two days and opened up the blinds, I became very aware of some of the answers as to why things are the way they are.

And once you know why things are going wrong, you have a chance to right yourself.  

I don't have any goals, or real dreams. I just take every day as it comes. Mourning those days that don't turn out to be spectacular and being a kid in a candy store when they do. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing - but it sure doesn't give you an anchor to reality when you need one.

I need an anchor. Right now.

I want next October to be the one where I look back and say " Hey - look what I accomplished this year! Isn't that awesome?".

(Does anyone else struggle with this, or is it unique to just me?)

Perfect

Well, I guess I did ask the Universe to help me get my mind off of Darin and our break-up and all of the subsequent events.

I was laid off today. Maybe I was fired. I am not sure. I prefer laid off.

Two times in one year?

Ugh.

And yes, I did txt Darin to tell him...he called immediately...but had nothing to say that made anything better or worse, and to tell you the truth, I am okay with that.

He is all of a sudden the least of my problems.

Just like I asked for things to be.

Little girls, Little girls

My daughter is a senior this year. I am not sure what to do with that. It's a fact that my head refuses to recognize because in my eyes - she is still my baby!

So beautiful. So smart. So amazing. I am proud beyond measure.

She doesn't like me to speak of it, but it was just two and a half years ago that she was txting her dad from Disneyland, telling him that she was going to f'n kill me. ( I actually forgot about this - she reminded me, all the while asking me to forget about it. Crazy kid.)

Her heart is so very pure...so kind. God blessed/cursed her with a ministry to strays. Not animals - people. Stray people flock to her just to be near.

I know exactly how they feel.

Get your daytimer, Annie

It's my first day of truly being by myself. I had to stop from begging my ex to let me have the kids just a bit longer...just until I can get on my feet. But I am afraid that I don't know when that is coming!

Plus, I didn't want him to feel smug about me being alone and in pain. Thank God for pride.

Am on the job hunt now that I am no longer employed by the boyfriend. I just could not stand a minute more of watching his emails roll in - some from other women, some advice from friends on how to handle his new singlehood...gah! Why he left his email attached to our work accounts is beyond me -unless it was to get back at me for breaking us up in the first place.

I also could not handle seeing the posts that she was leaving on his Facebook. I never wrote on his wall because I didn't want to embarrass him, yet here she was blathering on about listening to the music he sent her. Music I bought for him, by the way. She posted on what was our three year anniversary. And I lost my sh*t.

I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, my computer, and every friend that we had in common on FB - including our children - removed. I closed down my blog, eradicated email accounts that we held jointly, and then wrote my resignation letter. (I later had to trash that version...)

I have never felt so immature and desperate and icky and gross and yucky in my life. I felt like Glenn Close setting out to boil the bunny.

I have yet to have any contact with him...and I am worried what state he will catch me in. Will I be reasonable and mature? Or will I be three and tantum filled? Will I rage and cry and beg and sob?

I think he should have to make an appointment to talk to me from here on out.

How about next 5th thursday of the 5th quarter?

Now What?

Some of you don't know this, but I also write Reversible Errors. Not that it should matter to you....but it might explain the gap in my entries here in QxQ. ( I just totally made up that abbreviation - I LOVE IT!)

I am hiding for a few days. Licking my wounds. Trying to make sense of everything in my world. Deciding how I want to show up and who I want to be. No easy task...and I am already a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight I am going to concentrate on asking how OTHER people are. A friend of mine suggested it as a helpful way to get over myself.

I really need to get over myself.

How are you?

OMG WTF?

...and I am done with it. I think I overdosed on my own drama and made myself sick.


Nobody is worth that.


I don't want to think about it, talk about it, or cry about it anymore.


Let's go have a drink.

I Understand

I say "I understand" or "I get that" a lot. I try to make sure I know where the other person is coming from.


But I really get it this time.


Now I understand why people take too many pills, or leave the car running in the garage, or slit their wrists when they are in emotonial pain.


It's to make it just stop...stop for just one second even...


I understand. I can't take even one second more. Please make it stop.