Next Floor Level, Please

Is it the alignment of (or my misalignment with) the stars? Is it my emotional immaturity and baggage that I am left to reconcile in the aftermath of divorce? Is it insecurity about my future?

Criminy. I don't know.

There is something wrong with me. And I don't like it.

I used to be afraid that D would read my blog and find some reason to be upset with me. I used to be very careful to not put into words anything I couldn't back up in real life. I would refrain from sharing any difficult emotions or situation that hadn't already been resolved.

But now I know that I don't need to worry about D reading my blog. Or reading my emails. (Even the ones sent to him from me! HA!) Or listening to my voice messages - or even CD's. (Even SPECIAL CD's like the one I put together like some stupid teenager on our year anniversary!) Nope. Nada. Just won't do it. Wouldn't be prudent. And RETURN an email? Or a text? Whatever. I can go a whole day, sometimes two, without hearing from him. Take right now for instance: the last meaningful conversation we had was last week..before he left for Kansas.

Sometimes I am okay with this uncommunicative state, especially if I have just been in his arms for a weekend or so. I mean, who cares about stupid txt messages and phone calls and emails and cd's and blogs when you are in your man's arms? When I am okay with his radio silence I feel mature and whole and balanced.

But then other times - like right now - when I am floating out and around in this universe, completely by myself, scared and riddled with anxiety, it makes me feel so insignificant. It makes me feel like I have attached myself to someone (again) that does not feel the same way about me. And we all know how I feel about giving out more than I am getting back!

...it makes me feel invisible and lost and very, very alone.

I am literally holding myself down to keep from throwing it all away because I want to have a healthy relationship. And because I am not sure these minor transgressions are a true deal breaker. What if I am just being immature again? Or letting my imagined princess status become a demand? What if I am being a whiney, stereotypical girl? I mean, can I not hold myself together with my own strength? Can I not be by myself for a little while without coming unhinged?

I just don't know.

Right now I need strong arms around me, I need to feel safe and loved and cared for.

I need to matter.

And it is starting to feel dangerous.


Jim said...

Gawd, you are an engaging writer.

I don't know what it is - normally I wouldn't read a personal blog so closely. Maybe it's just because I've quietly followed your life for ... what? ... 2 years or so? And these moments, difficult as it sounds like they are for you, cause a level of expression and turn of phrase to come forth that I find remarkably engaging.

Anyway, if it makes a difference, you're one hell of a writer. I haven't got a clue about your life situation, but lady, you can w r i t e ! :-)

*Becky* said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
*Becky* said...

That was me who deleted her comment because I wanted to add more to it! DUH!

Terri, my sweetest.

(((you))) just (((you)))

He's not speaking our female language. It sounds like you have communicated (perhaps not clearly though) what your female language is. Male language is so very easy to speak. (Sorry males out there but its true *shrugs*). Ours... not so much. D needs to WANT to appease the Terri Berri by speaking her female language. Having your needs met isn't a bad thing my dear. The only thing I suppose I could tell you (because lord knows I'm not the one to talk regarding relationships....) is to be clear as to exactly what your needs are!! ie "It's not okay for me to not hear from you for a day during our away time." Just my thoughts on a stray Tuesday morning.

terri said...

Jim: I love you, too. You know that, right? :)

Thank you for your sweet words.

Bec: I so appreciate your thoughts - and your support. I still remember what you said when I was trying to decide "which direction to go"...I imagine you saw a bit of this coming.

In any case, it will do no harm to let the poor boy in on what is making me so miserable, and how to prevent it in the future. (The majority of the reason still being my head, of course!)

HA! :)