Is it the alignment of (or my misalignment with) the stars? Is it my emotional immaturity and baggage that I am left to reconcile in the aftermath of divorce? Is it insecurity about my future?
Criminy. I don't know.
There is something wrong with me. And I don't like it.
I used to be afraid that D would read my blog and find some reason to be upset with me. I used to be very careful to not put into words anything I couldn't back up in real life. I would refrain from sharing any difficult emotions or situation that hadn't already been resolved.
But now I know that I don't need to worry about D reading my blog. Or reading my emails. (Even the ones sent to him from me! HA!) Or listening to my voice messages - or even CD's. (Even SPECIAL CD's like the one I put together like some stupid teenager on our year anniversary!) Nope. Nada. Just won't do it. Wouldn't be prudent. And RETURN an email? Or a text? Whatever. I can go a whole day, sometimes two, without hearing from him. Take right now for instance: the last meaningful conversation we had was last week..before he left for Kansas.
Sometimes I am okay with this uncommunicative state, especially if I have just been in his arms for a weekend or so. I mean, who cares about stupid txt messages and phone calls and emails and cd's and blogs when you are in your man's arms? When I am okay with his radio silence I feel mature and whole and balanced.
But then other times - like right now - when I am floating out and around in this universe, completely by myself, scared and riddled with anxiety, it makes me feel so insignificant. It makes me feel like I have attached myself to someone (again) that does not feel the same way about me. And we all know how I feel about giving out more than I am getting back!
...it makes me feel invisible and lost and very, very alone.
I am literally holding myself down to keep from throwing it all away because I want to have a healthy relationship. And because I am not sure these minor transgressions are a true deal breaker. What if I am just being immature again? Or letting my imagined princess status become a demand? What if I am being a whiney, stereotypical girl? I mean, can I not hold myself together with my own strength? Can I not be by myself for a little while without coming unhinged?
I just don't know.
Right now I need strong arms around me, I need to feel safe and loved and cared for.
I need to matter.
And it is starting to feel dangerous.