I am a jealous person by nature. And I came by it honestly.
My mother is jealous of time spent with others (her own words), and it is her clarity on the issue that allows me to understand where my own thoughts torment me.
I am jealous of others' affection. I crave the status of favorite in everyone's heart - no matter the position. Favorite friend, favorite daughter, favorite parent, favorite student, favorite woman in bf's life, favorite employee, ad nauseum. I crave this status as favorite even when I don't deserve it. And even when it wouldn't make sense.
Over time, I have learned to control how I act on these feelings - I am fairly good at using logic to diffuse my bratty, fit-throwing two year old before I cause too much damage.
However, every once in awhile, that poisonous green fog envelops me in a way that I get disoriented. Especially when it comes to my kids.
I want for my children to have the healthiest relationship possible with both of their parents. I still believe that their dad is a fantastic father, and I also feel that we have both chosen romantic partners that care about our children.
But I want to be their FAVORITE.
Oh Haiiiii!!
I was so afraid that my blog had disappeared- I mean, I haven't actually logged in for a couple of years, but still, shouldn't it be...
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Okay...I HAD a dream. And it woke me up, too. I woke up shaking with fear that I had finally given in to the dark side of me and was going ...
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Tonight I have to do dishes and laundry. I just know deep down inside that I was meant for SO much more. I was supposed to be a rock star. I...
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So...it's the weekend. I am literally sighing big exhales of relief. Why do some weeks take a month to get through?! I took my hands...
5 comments:
Oh girl... BRAVO. I think many of us have our jealous streaks. They're difficult to look at and admit but they're there nonetheless.
Awareness helps!
In the meanwhile, allow your inner two year old to throw a tantrum in the privacy of your bedroom with no one around. You'll feel better. :)
I understand the feeling, although I think a more Buddhist like detachment might make one happier in the long run.
Love your honesty. Great words and I completely understand. I think we have all been there in one way or another. :)
i just take xanax.
come to think of it, i take xanax for just about everything emotion related these days.
@T - gonna keep working on the awareness. :)
@LOC - that kind of zen has remained elusive as of yet, but I still have hope.
@Jess - whew! I love it when I am not alone. For reals. :)
@CBK - and you never share!
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