right on time

right on time, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

As Easter is rapidly approaching, I have found myself dissecting my faith.

Age and maturity (?) have brought me perspective on which issues really need to be "worked out in fear and trembling", and which ones can be fodder for theological debate but are not worth my time laboring over the validity of.

Going to mass with D has been so good for this heart that KNOWS the liturgy - but after a lifetime of indoctrination, just couldn't open up enough to embrace and believe.

It's so ironic to have been raised in a spirit-filled, nondenominational charismatic church with a rock band for a worship team, three services a week, plus Christian School Monday through Friday - and here in a staid, symbol-laden Mass is where I finally meet my God.

Go figure.

I hope this Easter season has blessed you as much as it has me.

If you remember correctly, BF and I gave up alcohol for Lent. I am telling you right now - I have never been so excited for Easter Sunday in my life! I am planning to have Screwdrivers with my breakfast. Not kidding you. Or maybe Bloody Mary's first thing after midnight.

Come on over. I promise not to try and convert you whilst I pour mixed drinks with reckless abandon.

This Way

This Way, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I have been thinking a lot about friends.

What is your definition of friend? Do you have many friends - or just a couple and the rest are just acquaintances? Do you have lifelong friends - or friends for a season?

I define friend as someone who can have a conversation with me at any given time of the day, on just about any subject. A friend will ask about my kids. A friend nods knowingly, with a half smile and twinkle in their eye when I recount (maybe in repeat) an escapade involving either bf, parents or rugrats. A friend knows when I an about to cry and quickly grabs a tissue or tells a silly joke, causing my tears great confusion - are we crying from laughter or despair? A friend will interject positive reinforcement when it comes to a conversation regarding me that might be going south - even if I am not present. A friend maintains hope that I will achieve what I set out for - even after I have failed to reach those same goals before.

A friend lets me see when they are hurting. A friend tells me about their bogey monster and does not feel like they need to candy coat their fear. A friend lets me hold them in a fierce protective bear hug when they are reeling from one of life's inevitable right hooks. A friend doesn't expect me to have the right words to say - and doesn't feel slighted when I have no words to say at all.
A friend laughs at my attempts to be clever and witty when I try to lighten the moment. A friend appreciates my effort to make them feel loved even when it's done with banana bread that tastes horrible.

A friend doesn't judge my value by what I wear, where I make my money, where I live, what I drive, who I love, where and who I worship, or what color my skin is.

My friends expect the best from me, forgive the worst about me, promote the vision of a perfect me, and appreciate the me that I already am.

And I am grateful to be blessed with more than a few friends - lifelong AND seasonal.

Eaten Up

ICU, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I am a jealous person by nature. And I came by it honestly.

My mother is jealous of time spent with others (her own words), and it is her clarity on the issue that allows me to understand where my own thoughts torment me.

I am jealous of others' affection. I crave the status of favorite in everyone's heart - no matter the position. Favorite friend, favorite daughter, favorite parent, favorite student, favorite woman in bf's life, favorite employee, ad nauseum. I crave this status as favorite even when I don't deserve it. And even when it wouldn't make sense.

Over time, I have learned to control how I act on these feelings - I am fairly good at using logic to diffuse my bratty, fit-throwing two year old before I cause too much damage.

However, every once in awhile, that poisonous green fog envelops me in a way that I get disoriented. Especially when it comes to my kids.

I want for my children to have the healthiest relationship possible with both of their parents. I still believe that their dad is a fantastic father, and I also feel that we have both chosen romantic partners that care about our children.

But I want to be their FAVORITE.

Willy

Willy Tank, a photo by tielji on Flickr.

I am supposed to be studying. I have a huge speech to give tomorrow, and two papers to turn in.

I am rebelling.

I am working on pictures and cleaning out drawers and making myself notes to remember to send birthday and anniversary cards to obscure friends whose special occasion dates I just happen to remember even though I sometimes struggle to recall my own checking account number.

I am setting myself up for disaster and I have no earthly idea why.

Do you know why?

Will you tell me?

Overly Smiley

I have a goal this week. 

I am going to omit emoticons from my texting and emails. 

Not really a big deal to most people, but I have been overusing them to the point of worrying that I am not expressing myself correctly if I do not have a smiley or frown or heart or other punctuated facial expression. I know, right? Here I am, a self-professed lover of words and communication, hooked on smileys for interpretation. I have to get a handle on this. (Imagine a frowny face here.)

Another thing I have given up: Alcohol. 

Boyfriend and I gave up alcohol for Lent. 

Having never observed the Lenten Season before, this was quite the leap of faith (adoration) for me. And guess what? It really isn't that big of a deal! I thought I would be jonesin' and cryin' in my green tea by now, but honestly - it hasn't come up as an issue. Well... except for maybe at the airport in Boston when I REALLY wanted a Blueberry Beer at the Brewery Works. Or when I went out for "drinks" with a girlfriend and ended up drinking a pot of coffee whilst she enjoyed vodka and Redbull. That kinda stank. But not enough to abandon my intentions. (I almost put a smiley here! Dammit!) 

What did you "give up for Lent" - if anything? Do you ever deprive yourself of something just to teach yourself restraint or dedication?

(Insert heart here.)