Yes, I am home on Saturday Night. (Wanna make something of it?)

I am settled in...dishes are washed and put in the cabinet, carpets are steam cleaned, and the dressers are full of clean clothes. I will get to have the children every other week - starting tomorrow.

I am a bit nervous about this...their routines will be much different. We will need to get up at different times, and take alternate routes to get everyone to school and work on time. Also, I know that my ability to keep a normal schedule is going to be under scrutiny - and I resent that.

I must say, for the most part, Jerry and I have been able to keep it friendly. We have had to attend many functions together, and it has gone well. However - just when I think we could be close friends - he will do something that just makes me despise him all over again. I think god allows him to do that so that I won't forget why this divorce is okay with me.

I love my new house...I don't like the lack of money. It will take a bit to stabilize and change over the different bills to respective names. Until that happens, I will not be living large. I won't even be living medium size. In fact, the two weeks the children are not here I expect to be eating hospital food for every meal. Or Kenny's food. Whatever. Discounted/Free Food is what I am referring to.

I took the camera for a walk today. It was our first date together since it came home. I was so happy on the way back that a couple of stray tears of gratefullness rolled down my face. Those moments are the ones I try to write on my heart.

I do seem to have more good moments like that than bad ones. But the bad moments are very intense. Very black. Very lonely. Very hopeless. I understand these get less and less as time goes by...and I know that I don't want to skip any steps in healing. I will not come back and repeat any of these lessons. I just won't.

...all in all, things are progressing nicely. For now. That is all I can ask for!

I hope things are good for you as well...
;)t

Honey, I gotsta go...

Today is moving day.

Well...really, it is the beginning of moving days.

This will take awhile.

I have never been happier in my life.


AND- my camera is ready to be picked up.


Who knew that what I thought would be the end of my world is only the beginning?

YAY!

In the Rearview Mirror...

(apropos of nothing...Jessa's bachelorette party)

I swear to you that sometimes I do not know what I am feeling until I sift through my words like an archaeologist, looking for little pieces bones. Brings to mind Peter Gabriel's' Digging in the Dirt...
(Digging in the dirt, to find the places I got hurt...)

I was walking away from the computer after my last entry, shaking my head and marveling at how little detail I provided and how emotionless I sounded. But there really were so many emotions about that night!!

Number one: ohhhh ...my camera. My beloved camera. An extension of my heart! I heard the shattering before I could stop my fall. And there was nothing I could do. I got stepped on, too, but I didn't care at that point. I know that nobody died...but still. My camera was in pieces. And so was my mind.

In fact, the state of my camera is a great metaphor for the state of my being...ha!

I had bailed out of work early that night, withdrew funds from my account that I couldn't afford, drove way too fast down to Denver, fought with Jerry on the phone because he didn't want me to go, threw a temper tantrum when I figured out that the Gothic Theatre is NOT on Colfax, and generally bullied my way through the "getting there" experience. You would think that I could listen to the universe's signals to slow down and just let things happen the way they are supposed to...but no. I had to push things through and make it go like I thought it should be.

Although we did make it in time for the Meet & Greet with the bands, and even got to see the acts warm up...I was truly feeling the cost of all of my actions up to that point.

When I did finally get knocked down in the crowd, I actually felt like I deserved it. Not just for that night. But for all of the nights leading up to that. All the adolescent acting out that I was doing and the lives that I was wreaking havoc on.

I felt like I was finally paying a price with something I held dear.

...and because I felt like I deserved to lose something precious, I didn't take my camera to the shop for almost another three weeks.

Self-flogging. Self-loathing.


...you would think with the emotional price I paid and the pain of repentance, that I would change my ways. But, oh no.

The summer was just beginning.

Thunk

Hmmm.

I don't want to talk about my present today. I think I would like to talk about my summer...you missed out on a lot of action while my fingers were on TerriBerriHiatus.

Let's start at the end of June....oh yes, lets! I think I left off at the day of the Flyleaf Concert...which is the last day that I held the OMG camera in my hands.

I got knocked down - the camera is in pieces. And is still in the shop. End of that story.

The show? Ohhh! Sick Puppies is amazing...took my breath away. I have never enjoyed an opening band more than I did them, and thank goodness I did my homework before the show so that I could fully enjoy the fact that they are true to their music no matter where they are performing.

Kill Hannah was also enjoyable, but not as remarkable as their schwag...their t-shirts and merch are really cute.

(Jessa and I at a Flyleaf/Dropping Daylight show - spring 2006)


Flyleaf??? I really enjoyed seeing Lacey and Pat and Sameer...but...oh, I don't know. Maybe I have seen them too many times. Or maybe it was because Jessa wasn't there. Whatever the reason, they did not live up to the standards set previously...by themselves and their opening acts. I hate to say anything bad about them, only because I am so emotionally attached and I would never want them to know that someone is thinking anything but supportive and admiring thoughts.


I took my neighbor boy, Brock, who is about 6'6...and 18, and headed straight for the military. He was a very enjoyable concert buddy - and a great designated driver, too. I would take him with me again anytime, and I certainly hope I get the chance to. He is a great kid.

I ran into so many people at that show (Maria from 30STM Echelon, and Billy from the Hoobastank concert to name a couple) - I had forgotten that other people get as excited about the concert experience as I do. 'Twas nice to share in the adrenaline and enjoyment with people close to my own age...

(Meeting Billy at Hoobastank (Jan 2007) - I liked his shirt. :))


A few days later, I took my babies to the airport and sent them to New Hampshire to stay a month with my mother. And I left directly from there to go to Chicago...

...to be continued.
:)

Wilco - Denver, CO - 9/1

Wilco 020
Originally uploaded by tielji

Yes! You read that right! I went to a Wilco show with my friend Dan. A sold out show, mind you. Now, I attend a lot of sold out shows, but this one was amazing for two reasons.

#1. People were trying to buy tickets on the street for any price. If it wasn't for the fact that I wanted to see why they would do such a thing, I would have sold mine for future rent money. HA!
#2. I have no idea how this happened, but we started three rows of people back... and ended up in the front row. Front freakin' row. Gawd I love the Fillmore...

I kind of do know how it happened: A little blonde thing in the front row had to go potty, so I crowd wrangled for her (not once, but twice) and how did she show her appreciation? By pulling me up to stand beside her. Yay!!

On the other side of me? (not in the front row) A couple who had been married for 17 years. I heard myself mumble that if my husband would have gone to shows with me, we probably would still be together. That was a sad moment.

Behind me? One huge teddy bear of a man who put me in front of him so I could actually see. I didn't notice his smaller-in-stature boyfriend on the other side of him 'til later!

I should add a third reason to why this show was so amazing...

#3. Holy cats, Wilco is soooo amazing! Six guys making every song a huge jam session. A story...poetry in sound...complete with the thrilling of the heart. These guys are true craftsmen, and I get now the huge following.

...the three encores did so much to embed them into my eternal admiration as well. Four songs each encore...who does that anymore??! Loved it.

And oh, it was so nice to have this break from real life.

Today I am packing. Again. And I told my parents. Check and check.

Ironic divorce statement of the day: (by my wonderful, sweet, soon to be ex husband) So...I guess you won't be moving out until you have the money to do it, huh?

I tried to explain the best I could that, really, it is not reasonable to think that you can come home one day and say "I want a divorce" and the other person not only says "okay!" but then finds a place to live for free and extremely conveniently.

I don't think he understood me. We speak different languages now.

Maybe we always did.

Dear Diary...

I am experiencing the oddest of emotions. I don't mind it...except for... it is so difficult to decipher what is reality and what is just feelings.

One thing do know for sure: my life is about to change drastically. All of the emotional upheaval, whether or not I have chosen to fully delve into it and experience it or push it away to deal with at another time, has created some sort of transformation. Had I paid more attention, I would have some sort of idea what I have transformed into!

The overwhelming need to race around, see everyone, be everywhere, don't-miss-a-moment-of-activity has lessened tremendously. I don't feel like I will die if I stand still anymore. But the clean up of the chaos I have wreaked on my world is extensive. I am not talking about this divorce - yes, it is painful, but I think it is so necessary. I shudder to think what state of self destruction I would be in if we were still trying to keep this dead horse running. I am talking about the things and people that I have neglected while running at breakneck speed. So much to clean up. Ugh.


And I am feeling fear again...not sure if that is bad or good. Fear used to rule me. If I had been born in a tribe setting, I would be the one who harassed the local shaman constantly for different incantations or prophecy. Then - something happened, and I no longer felt fear...of any sort. I became bullet proof in my own head. Nothing bad could happen, and I could take any chance I fancied...

...it just occurred to me that what I just described is what 17 year olds feel. Bullet proof...indestructible...like they will live forever. Perhaps I needed to go back to an adolescent state and go through the whole "coming into adulthood" again...this time the right way? Hmmm. Interesting concept. My body even did the whole puberty stint in January. Wow.

And now I am to be separated from my childhood lover, and will have to learn how to have an adult relationship - with another adult. At 37. Just 20 years behind, I am. Ha!

I think my head is going to explode...