Never mind my wish list - let's go back to being healthy and having productive, enjoyable relationships with other human beings.
I have been struggling with whether or not I am doing the right thing by going back to D and performing all of the gf/office manager duties and thrills with only the office manager title.
My gut (and my dad. and my mom.) says no.
So I decided to go look for a label to put on this little dance I am doing. I, of course, Googled my symptoms. Google is frightfully wonderful.
It labeled me within three seconds: Codependent Relationship Addict.
(Omfg)
Now, don't worry, I know that it's easy to diagnose and to assume all of the symptoms of whatever you are reading about - such as what second year med students experience. Or what I went through during Psych 101 when I wondered if I, too, was schizophrenic. ( I'm not. Neither am I.)
I am bringing one professional's symptom list to the board, and we can go through them together.
They are as follows:
- Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other (ummm...no. Not so much. I tried dating this summer, and if you remember, that didn't turn out well for me. For evidence I submit that I am blogging on a Saturday night whilst D is in KS.)
- An inability or difficulty in being alone (But I am getting better...)
- Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable (I dunno if I do this or not. I know that the last three men who intrigued me were all off limits to me, and D does indeed seem to be emotionally unavailable. So yes?)
- Using sex, seduction and intrigue to "hook" or hold onto a partner (Not on purpose. I am not the one instigating now that I am not the GF...but I don't say no before I become the overly eager partner in crime)
- Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions (guilty)
- Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship (Ohhhh yeah. Blown off lotsa friends, family - even a ten year class reunion - just to be with him)
- When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone (yes)
- Avoiding sex or relationships for long periods of time to "solve the problem". (Well, I tried to avoid him for awhile...that didn't turn out well. However, I don't think this applies.)
- An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others (If we are deciding that this is an unhealthy relationship, than yes, I guess so - but I do have very clear boundaries of what I will tolerate. And this relationship is not abusive. Just painful.)
- Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others (Yes, this seems to be tied in with the previous statement)
- Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love (I don't equate sex with love, but I sure do feel loved when the romance is intense!)
- Attempting to meld identity with partner - making their world yours (yes...yes.*sigh*)
- Being satisfied with goals that partner has reached, foregoing or abandoning own. (For pete's sake - this one startled me. Yes.)
My score is 9/12. Those aren't great odds.
I wonder why Drinking one more beer to quiet the head so you will stop obsessing about why he isn't texting you back isn't on the list.
