Crash and Burn...

...and she's down, folks.

(Be right back - looking for rock bottom.)

Life's like a ...

...jumprope! Ha. You thought I was gonna pull a gump on ya and say box of chocolates, huh? Well, I didn't. So there.

This more modern phrase of describing life's inherent qualities comes from the new album by Blue October - who Taylor and I had the pleasure of seeing in concert earlier this month. Blue October, not the album. Although, we did buy the album. But not until after the concert.

Anyway! Criminy.

It has been quite the week around here...what with the seven year old and nine year old melting down into puddles of rage and hatred aimed at mommy, and the death of my skeeter cat(who my ex got custody of - before she died, not after), my mind surely has had to work extra hard to think only about myself.

But life is getting smoother. Easier. More full of pleasantries than dark moments.

On the current upswing that I am finally getting to experience (I think my ups and downs might be chartable)I am writing down a few goals that although seem unachievable in my current state, it won't be harmful to believe and make strides towards making them accomplishments.

Pondering #1: Am I experiencing a midlife crisis?

I don't know.

I don't feel like finding a twenty year old to use and abuse for my own sexual gratification (29, maybe...well, anywhere from 29 to 49...but I digress) and I thought that was supposed to be the major indicator of said crisis. I don't feel like a boob job and a convertible will be the answer to my maladies. New car, new job, bigger house, jewelry - none of those things will complete me!

I am attending a convention next weekend - a life coaching seminar, if you will. I am intrigued and excited. I am also skeptical and apprehensive. I am a preacher's daughter, remember? And I have partaken in many a church camp and revival...I know all of the buzz words and the vocal triggers for amping emotions to riotous highs. But I am also of the mind that I will not reject something out of hand just because I have preconceived notions of how it will NOT meet me where I am.

One of my new goals (and something that I already have experienced but have cast by the wayside in the last emotion-ridden year) is to expect and accept those impossible things, those gifts, those miracles that we are all offered but have difficulty accepting.

I am expecting only good things. This will mean constant vigil on my dreary, negative, fear-numbed thought process.

See? I have doubt already that I can maintain that vigil! But I will overcome. Right now.

...all smiles...
;)t

Do Something QUICK! ohwait...nevermind.

Well, crap.

Guess what?

I am not feeling anything. Not hoping, not caring, not loving, not hating, dreading or fearing.

Nothing.

There is no angle in my limited little world that is holding true to form. Rather, every detail is blending...all smooshing together in one muddy swirl.

I think that I am trying so hard to feel something - anything - and only nothing can come from such misguided exertion.

I have been wrestling in this quagmire for quite some time. Years, I think. Causing drama on an ever increasing level to get that sigh of relief from knowing that I am still capable of change in altitude.

Does this have anything to do with D? Or divorce? Or my mum and pop? Or some repressed anger from childhood? Or perhaps an undiagnosed demon? (HA!)

Nope.

It's just me. Me, and my closed up doors and windows with the phone turned off for good measure.

And a tall glass of wine. Not tall in the Starbuck's sense, either.

I am sure to be better soon. It's my pattern.

...night.