Army Crawl

This time of year is always a crap shoot - will I be happy? Sad? Sick? Depressed? Productive? What?? 

I lost my Grandma Louise on Nov 8th and my dad on Nov 10th and my body is still keeping score.  Lord almighty! It's been several years (30 for GL and 9 for my dad) and I still find myself incapacitated even if only briefly. 

I have this vague impression lately that I am army crawling through my days, just trying to get to the next one. There is a version of a  healthy me on the horizon that just keeps floating out of reach - this frail and depleted me hopes that if I just keep reaching, I will be able to obtain what I seek. Guh. 

It's bewildering because my nutrition is good, my sleep is good, my friendships are good. There is some fragility in my relationships with family that needs healed, but it's not untenable - just mildly uncomfortable at times. 

Please, Baby Jesus, let it be a just a phase.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

(Gesu Church in Miami, FL)

One of the things I did this year in furthering my spiritual formation is sign up for Adoration once a week. To put it simply, I go and sit in silence to pray, read or journal in the silence of the Adoration Chapel.  Because there is always supposed to be 2 (or even more!) Adorers present at all times, our Parish has us signed up for shifts. Guess what time my shift is? 

Nope. It's 11pm -12am every Tuesday.  

Tonight will be longer as I am filling in for the person after me. I am really patting myself on the back for this sacrifice, y'all! I think that might negate any extra blessings I might receive in exchange. But, anyway.

My husband has graciously accompanied me for at least the first hour tonight (and every other regularly scheduled Tuesdays!) and while I think that having him here is a distraction to me, I am also inspired by his holy worship. 

There is another person who has the same shift as me, and his snoring has become something I look forward to as it brings some humaness to this spiritual endeavor. I don't think he knows that he snores- he may not even know that I know that he is asleep! 

I am saying a prayer for you, for me, for all of us tonight. Amen.