Have you seen my White Jacket?

I  am writing in the wrong blog again. 

I don't care.

They are my blogs and I will write wherever I please. So there. 

(I used to fancy me a Norwegian once who would say "So that!" ..I really did enjoy watching him misappropriate silly English phrases.)

Do any of you know what to do with panic attacks? I have had them since I was a teenager, but always thought it was something else. Inner ear infection, pregnancy, malnourishment, etc. As I got older I started labeling them my intuition...my warning sign that something bad was happening somewhere. And I would also take a pregnancy test just to make sure that it wasn't THAT. 

I have had one ongoing panic attack since Saturday night. I cannot keep food down, my heart races, I am dizzy, nauseous...it's ridiculous! My only reprieves have been when I have finally fallen asleep, or when my dear friend fed me beer until I couldn't feel my heart pounding through my shirt anymore. The worst part is the wrenching in the pit of my belly. Ugh.

I think I am starting to panic about my panicking.

And yes, I already took the pregnancy test. It has been so long that I had to look the results up on the internet to make sure I hadn't read them wrong. It was negative. Don't you worry. 

Now, you tell ME not to worry.

Marbles in my Head, Marbles on the Floor

(image found at sweetalyce.blogspot.com)

Falling in love with you means fulfilling your requirement for complete openness and vulnerability. 

I am so very awkward at that. So clumsy. 100% effort, and no grace. Like learning to dance on roller skates when you don't even know HOW to roller skate. 

You do not require the same openness and vulnerability of yourself. It has the same effect as dumping marbles on my rollerskating rink - I trip, fall down, bust open a knee, a lip, a heart...

Have mercy on me, please. Come pick me up off of the floor just one more time. Put your arms around me and lets do this open and vulnerable dance together. 

I promise I will be worth your effort. 

It's Going to be Okay

It's going to be okay.

Say it really loud. Whisper it. Mutter it under your breath. Say it to someone else. Write it down. Draw it in the air. Yell it as loud as you can in the middle of a dirt road in the middle of the countryside in the middle of the night. Graffiti it on a bridge with neon spray paint. Form the words with macaroni noodles and glue it to a page with Elmer's. Calligraphy it and leave yourself a note under your pillow. Write it in the steam on your mirror after showering. Draw it in the sand on the beach and take a picture of it before the tide washes it away. Write it on someone's driveway with sidewalk chalk.

Write it on your heart.

It's going to be okay.

It really is going to be okay...